SD diary, Saturday night. Occasionally things happen that make you realise that most of the "improvements" in your situation don't actually exist other than in your own head. Or at least that is how it seems to me today. Last night which was after all a Friday was one of those times. She has been quite sympathetic asking me how I was feeling etc. so I assumed we would have some emotional connection time in bed if nothing else. I cuddled up to her and said that I wasn't feeling up to sex being a bit sore and before I could say anything else she said that she had no intention of doing anything anyway and rolled over to go to sleep. I weakly continued with my plan to offer her a bj which she dismissed so I was back to self-soothing again. One problem is that I am putting a lot of effort in supressing who I am, holding back from saying ILY, hugging, touching, whispering sweet nothings and the HD things you do so that she has more "space" to offer something to me. The trouble is that these offerings are few and far between and I can definitely see them eventually dry up altogether as time goes by. She would have no problems living a completely platonic life. This afternoon we were doing the laundry together because it rained and I brought all the washing in from the line outside. I was doing the ironing and she was sorting stuff so I decided to reveal how I was feeling (very loving) at that moment. I said (and I don't know why I chose these words) "Is it so wrong for me to want you in my arms?". She said blankly, "Yes, we are much too old for that nonsense" and walked out of the room. I was left feeling Fused and cheap. I disclosed my strong feelings at that moment for nothing... SD - Fused, cheap and heading rapidly towards infertility.
