Wildman, I did NOT mean to imply that desire is a non-issue for the fellas. At all.
I was just saying that I don't think that any HD man would make his wife becoming sexually aggressive as big of an issue as an HD would. Or that it would matter to him as much. After all, he has been socialized to be the aggressor and the thought of a shy and demure wife is basically okay with him. (note I said "okay" and not preferable)
I'm sorry but a shy and demure man does nothing for me. It is something that I am having a very hard time coming to grips with.
HP, you provided a good example of the difference between "able" and "willing":
Quote: I made the usual suggestions (sometime whisper to me that you are anxious for the kids to go to bed so we can ML) and this was his response: First of all, that will never happen. I will never make sexual comments when my kids are awake; you can give up on that. Secondly, I will never do that because I am not like that. I don't talk like that and you can give up on that, too.
Mr. HP is simply unwilling to work on this. It's not an ability issue. An ability issue would be like, "I can't do the Trojan Horse position because my knees give out before the second phase of anterior pelvic flexion." So he can't do the Trojan Horse, and he never will be able to do it. But here, you are asking him to whisper something to you. WTF is wrong about whispering something to you when the kids are awake? Is it a sin? Thou shalt not express horniness when thy child is awake? Set reasonable goals for your spouses---whisper to me, try to show some enthusiasm, be courteous, listen to me. And expect them to meet those goals.
Sorry you are hurting so bad, HP. All this, and having to deal with an alien in your body, too. Hugs to you.
Not to make excuses for my long and rambling and sometimes incoherent posts, but I have a 4yo and a 2yo literally hanging on me all the time and sometimes I can't collect a thought to save my life. I do my best but I know that I can be confusing at times!
Hairy, Thanks for the thoughts. As usual, you brought a smile to my face.
I told him that it takes me longer when he does not kiss me, talk to me or otherwise engage me in the process. He is laying there, eyes closed, acting as if it is no more exciting than changing the oil in the car.
Honey, I have discovered that I need an aggressive initiation to turn me on; the lovey-dovey stuff does not do it for me( and forget about the lame-o stuff). I have brought this up to H not by saying "this isn't working for me", but instead said to him that at 40, I need something different for my body to get going. There are no more lame attempts on his part because he now knows that I NEED something more. Remember, you have taught him that you will respond to the unenthusiastic initiations, so why should he bother? I have put initiation into his hands, with him knowing that the frequency is a minimum of twice a week ( we seem to be staying at the miminum but I am not complaining). I gave him a couple of suggestions( holding my wrists down, pinching my nipples hard, etc) and told him to surprise me. Once I get going, he seems to get going, and the actual LM reconnects us in a more loving way. My point is that I had some success by being firm about what I want and what I won't accept, and he doesn't feel overwhelmed because he is controlling the frequency( a frequency that seems reasonable to him and I am beginning to trust him here). He was able to respond to my more aggressive desires ( which normally would turn him off because I am his wife) by my making it an age related thing. J
HP--- I just wanted to add that I know you are being firm in what you want and what you won't accept, but I took it a step further...I made it about what I need at this point of my life and that the other stuff doesn't seem to work for this old lady ( wink). J
HP and Journey, We HD guys love you two to inspire us to work harder.
I would love it if my spouse was responsive to touches, caresses, suggestive whispers, a blatent fondle in the X-rated zones, etc. However after numerous sharp elbows in the ribs and sharp verbal "Don't do that's" one gets the message that behavior is verboten.
Last year I tried an experiment where I didn't approach her for a hug and waited to see when she would hug me and went 6 weeks without a hug, much less sex.
So, not that it's not hard, but patience and keep rewarding him for good behavior will move things forward.
Scott
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
J, I'm sure something like this would work with H also. He would react positively to a physical problem out of my hands..whereas he sees this as me being overly demanding. (atldave, before you jump my crap, let me say that I am not mind reading here, he told me this last night)
He said that if I am the one who wants more sex than he does (and we both agree this is true) then I have to accept that his style will continue to be lame. (or demure, which is a nicer way of saying that)
I know a lot of things were said in the heat of the moment and may not have been how he intended them to sound but in the cold light of day, he's not coming off too hot, is he!
Despite all that I have said, the conversation didn't go horribly. I just lost it when he said he had no desire for me that night. I really thought he did and was being shy. He wants so desperately for me to believe him when he says he desires me, but I'm not seeing the actions to back up those words.
What IS desire to LD people anyway? And I'm not being flip one bit. What does it feel like? If it is not the same as how I perceive it, then what is he saying that he feels??
I'm trying to understand what he is telling me but it is hard somedays.
Btw, I am 33 so do you think he would buy the "old lady" stuff??
HP said: -------------- Btw, I am 33 so do you think he would buy the "old lady" stuff? --------------
Honey, when I was 33, my wife was desperately trying to tell me what was important to her. I would do all kinds of things to make it less important. Get angry, argue that she was wrong, argue that she was overreacting, etc...
I was absolutely convinced that what I was doing, working and career, was more important than anything else, After all, I was doing this for US, right?
ANNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKK -- WRONG --
Knowing your age now, changes my advice. So, here we go, you folks can flame me if you like :-)
Do two things. Make damn sure that you don't nag him, because that is an excuse for him to ignore you. You have to get his attention, period. Write a very short list of your needs. Do not tell him what to do. Ask him to acknowledge the list or even repeat it back to you.
Next, MAKE A SCHEDULE. He needs to understand that your needs are a part of his JOB. If that means that he gets to bed 45 minutes later every night, then so be it. That is just a part of what he has to do.
Here is the part you are really not going to like. At this point in hi life, he is unlikely to give you exactly what you think you need. Find a middle ground and then stick with it. It will take a while for your needs to soak in, but stand your ground in a workable place for BOTH of you until it does.
From what you have written of your hubby, he is very focused on what HE thinks is important. Instead of changing him, you have to figure out how to get your items on his list.
Sorry I don't have time to edit this post, way too much going on.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
