SD, I really do deserve 40 lashings for hijacking your thread.
However, since when has a good spank deterred me from doing something I really want to do anyway.
Last night sucked. H initiated; the foreplay was really not much to write home about. He laid there completely silent, stroking me. After about 10 minutes he got frustrated that it was taking me so long. There was absolutely NO signs of desire from his end; just pushing Button A only. I told him that it takes me longer when he does not kiss me, talk to me or otherwise engage me in the process. He is laying there, eyes closed, acting as if it is no more exciting than changing the oil in the car. We both got a little heated--he said that my expectations of him are too much; I said that his technique was not turning me on and just what did he want me to do about that? I pointed out that I have told him many times what I am after as far as desire is concerned and so far there has been no change. He said he was confused on what kinds of things I am talking about. Folks we've had this conversation so many times I could do it by heart. WHY can't he remember it--because the stakes are not high enough yet, that's why. He knows that ultimately I will get cheerful again so there is no real motivation to do something that is out of his comfort zone.
I made the usual suggestions (sometime whisper to me that you are anxious for the kids to go to bed so we can ML) and this was his response: First of all, that will never happen. I will never make sexual comments when my kids are awake; you can give up on that. Secondly, I will never do that because I am not like that. I don't talk like that and you can give up on that, too.
I pointed out to him that if the kids go to bed at 8:30 (recently it's been later because it is so light out, so about 9:00) and HIS bedtime is 9:00 you can see just how much time he allots to thinking about and planning for sex.
So we went back to the desire issue and I said to him that I want to occasionally see HIS desire and have that be what gets me going. Our pattern is that he shows no desire, he strokes me, I get aroused, my arousal turns him on and then we are ready to go. The problem with that? WHAT IS THERE TO GET ME TURNED ON?? I mean, I am physically horny but it sure would be nice to be aroused by my husband. If this is what I can expect and this is the way the pattern works, I sure would love to hear from an LD person so that I can work on accepting it.
I said that during foreplay I wasn't getting any sense of his desire and so it was taking me forever. Then the light bulb went off and I said, "Wait! DID you want to ML tonight?" He replied no he didn't. I was crushed. We had not ML in a week because he hadn't been feeling good and so I ASSumed he was ready for me and wanting me. I started crying over a sweeping feeling of humiliation that came over me. Guys, I really thought he was horny for me or that he was looking forward to feeling better so he could be with me. He wasn't. So that was a partial reason for the lackluster foreplay. He didn't want to be doing it in the first place. Even writing this I have tears in my eyes.
So I asked him to temporarily put a hold on the mercy sex (although I didn't call it that) and only initiate if he was really wanting it. I said that I was aware that it would mean a decline in frequency. He agreed.
Since he shows no desire at all, I never know if he is truly horny or being merciful. One could say that it doesn't matter, but it does. He is obviously feeling resentful for having to 'put out' so he is copping a 'tude about the length of foreplay as well as other things I will not go into.
One final thought: This is one of the areas (and perhaps the most significant) in which it is harder to be the HD wife. I get the impression that most men on this board would be happy with willing and enthusiastic wives; the wives coming out of their shell on a regular basis to show DESIRE would be icing, but not the necessary cake. For us chicks, it is a little different. We have been socialized (for better or worse) to expect that the man will desire us and be the aggressor. I am willing to be the aggressor but I feel very uncomfortable in the role of having to have enough desire for both of us. It feels unnatural to me. I know that you will not be able to relate to this portion of the message but it may explain why I am so hung up on this one issue.
It is a twofold problem, really. Getting an LD man to work on his libido and then teaching?...insisting?...working with them? to act more manly in the sack. Whereas with the LD women, they can still act like WOMEN but just be more enthusiastic and willing and their men are happy as clams.
It just sucks so bad and I am feeling hopeless today. I do not like hearing such definitive statements as "I will never do that; you can give up on it."
Oh, btw, NOP I did not ask that question. I agree it was harsh, I was just feeling sassy when I posted it! I do not talk to H that way, for the record. I am firm but loving to him. After last night, though, I am not feeling so loving and maybe I will ask it anyway.
Dave, feel free to tell me to take a hike and post on my own thread.
