HornyPot said: --------------- Have you found that the way your wife shows desire towards you has changed and, if so, in what ways specifically?
For instance: Can you give me an example of how Mrs. Nop used to initiate vs. how she does it now?
I am still trying to wrap my mind around what is a reasonable amount of progress and when I should call it a day. I don't want to push to the extent that I freakin ruin everything; on the other hand, I don't want to give up too easily. It is a fine line, as you know. ---------------
Wow, big question.
I think she shows me desire more in a way I understand now, although we still have a ways to go on that front. She will grab me more, kiss me, basically pay attention to me physically. You have to remember though, that she is a true TSSM book example of a car starting after you push it off (for you younguns, before the advent of car electronics and automatic transmissions, you could start a car by pushing it).
Her initiating (which was incredibly rare) was a basic "wanna mess around?". Now that we have a planned time, there is the ritual shower or bath, then the bed is 'readied', any aids or other playtime accoutrements are procured and then nature is allowed into the picture.
So, as I have indicated, desire and passion are there, but somewhat limited by other constraints. Having said that, the positives are that we don't have to worry about initiation. This removes a lot of potential for miscommunication and makes for anticipation of the event - in a positive way.
I have tried to remove as much performance anxiety from our sessions as possible, There are few rules. She must have at least one orgasm most of the time (believe it or not, sometimes she doesn't want one), and the time together is not for discussion of unpleasant issues. We focus on a relaxed time spent together. As she becomes more secure in the knowledge that she is not a 'substandard' sex partner, rather a participant in our lovemaking, she is gradually becoming more self-confident.
From what I have learned, if I could offer any one piece of advice on your lower-drive spouse, it would be to consider what it takes for them to meet you where you are. I am NOT advocating letting them off the hook, rather recognizing and accepting genuine effort from the LD spouse. In my experience, acknowledging hard effort is encouraging to someone with lower drives than we possess.
When I was first learning to fly back in 1976 (good lord, I am getting old....), all I needed to hear after a really botched up landing was, "hang in there, you can do this". If I had heard "you will never be good enough. You just don't have what it takes. You can never please me", I don't think I would have continued the lesson. I think that we can unintentionally say the same things to our spouses, by actions and words.
I am not saying that people trying to recover their relationships should stop making their desires known. For people that are well on the way to recovery, be careful not to be overly aggressive in your zealousness to fix your spouse. You may do more harm than good. Also, be very aware of your own shortcomings and make a very visible effort to correct your contributions to marital chaos.
I don't know if that really answers your question or not. Maybe I should just say; show mercy and grace for your lover.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
