I never heard back from H about BIL's memorial service, so that means I'm not invited this weekend. I don't even know whether it's today or tomorrow. This makes me feel really sad, left out, rejected, etc (although of course, I am relieved not to have to deal with meeting the GF and seeing certain other people, nor the long drive or where to stay in an area that was very important to both H and me). I guess these emotions are just my problem to deal with.

I also have found more grief about my dad coming up. Whether it's triggered by other emotions from this BIL stuff and the fight with H, or whether I've just naturally moved into another stage, I don't know. But it's like I've moved past the shock of his death, and now am starting to deal with the fact that he's never coming back. These really are two different concepts, and I imagine all of you have dealt with death of a loved one know what I mean. And then, of course, there are similarities between that and our Rs. First you have to get over the shock of the bomb, maybe that you are separated and/or they have someone else, and then there is further shock: Are they never coming back? Do we really have to go on with our lives without them?

Well, struggling with all sorts of emotions this weekend. I'm thinking it might be a good idea NOT to see H for a while. In three weeks, it will be my birthday AND -- irony of ironies -- my D papers are due to arrive in the mail on the same day. So I will have my b-day and be divorced on the same day. Yuck. I want to tell H NOT to get my a b-day present, especially when he's all resentful towards me about money (I can tell he still is), but I'm not sure how to bring that up with all he has on his plate. Oh well, maybe that will sort itself out before mid-August.

Maya, NSN, Wonder, GBO, Sun, Ron, Jen, thank you all for coming by. I'm really rathered challenged to stay on top these days. Or rather (Jen), to go with the flow of the river without getting tossed around and pulled under by the rapids. Maya, yes, I most definitely am getting some anger, it just doesn't seem like a good time to share it with him. Or maybe I don't need to share it with him, just be aware of it in myself and it will help me separate. Jen, thanks! I will definitely look for the BLEEP movie!

Hugs to all of you.

PS I am still finding the Journey from Heartbreak to Connection workbook to be really what I need right now.