I never heard back from H about BIL's memorial service, so that means I'm not invited this weekend. I don't even know whether it's today or tomorrow. This makes me feel really sad, left out, rejected, etc (although of course, I am relieved not to have to deal with meeting the GF and seeing certain other people, nor the long drive or where to stay in an area that was very important to both H and me). I guess these emotions are just my problem to deal with.
I also have found more grief about my dad coming up. Whether it's triggered by other emotions from this BIL stuff and the fight with H, or whether I've just naturally moved into another stage, I don't know. But it's like I've moved past the shock of his death, and now am starting to deal with the fact that he's never coming back. These really are two different concepts, and I imagine all of you have dealt with death of a loved one know what I mean. And then, of course, there are similarities between that and our Rs. First you have to get over the shock of the bomb, maybe that you are separated and/or they have someone else, and then there is further shock: Are they never coming back? Do we really have to go on with our lives without them?
Well, struggling with all sorts of emotions this weekend. I'm thinking it might be a good idea NOT to see H for a while. In three weeks, it will be my birthday AND -- irony of ironies -- my D papers are due to arrive in the mail on the same day. So I will have my b-day and be divorced on the same day. Yuck. I want to tell H NOT to get my a b-day present, especially when he's all resentful towards me about money (I can tell he still is), but I'm not sure how to bring that up with all he has on his plate. Oh well, maybe that will sort itself out before mid-August.
Maya, NSN, Wonder, GBO, Sun, Ron, Jen, thank you all for coming by. I'm really rathered challenged to stay on top these days. Or rather (Jen), to go with the flow of the river without getting tossed around and pulled under by the rapids. Maya, yes, I most definitely am getting some anger, it just doesn't seem like a good time to share it with him. Or maybe I don't need to share it with him, just be aware of it in myself and it will help me separate. Jen, thanks! I will definitely look for the BLEEP movie!
Hugs to all of you.
PS I am still finding the Journey from Heartbreak to Connection workbook to be really what I need right now.
Hi Azure ~ It sounds like you needed some hugs......
I am so sorry you never heard from H about the memorial service. I know it is so hard to know that he is there aan you are not. For some reason you were not meant to go to that service and you have probably saved yourelf a lot of heartache in the long run.
You bring up an interesting point about the timing of your D papers. I calculated that mine would come around my last bday (March) but things got held up and they came around May instead. It did help that the papers came on a date unrealted to any birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Maybe the same will happen for you??!
Looking back, I have found that the timing for everything...from the sep to the papers to fiding out he was dating to even the house selling...have come at a time when I was ready....Somebody up there is looking out for us!!
Hang in there and do something for YOU this weekend!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Big hugs, and if you need to vent on H , it's OK. Even if he is going through a difficult time, you are allowed to feel whatever you feel toward him.
Look up the movie today, and go this weekend, or better yet, I think a couple of the scientists are going to be at one of the shows, or it may have already happened. Go to the movie, and think of me, especially when she is using the blue eyeliner.
BTW, I used to play trumpet too. jenhoco
Sometimes the lights all shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been. -- Grateful Dead
Azure, thinking of you.....I'm sorry it's hard right now, though I am sensing changes.....you are right that grief (multiple in your case) takes its time and has its passages, and changes you too. Do what you can to stay above water--but it's okay to float downstream a little too.........keep writing, okay? We are here, checking in.
Azure, I do agree that some time apart now might be a good thing. Let time do its healing. Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
Azure, I'm sorry things aren't looking up. Like the others said maybe you need to back away for a while and let him work things out. My choice to give XW space was made for me. It is the only option I have left. It could be months or even years before she contacts me, but I have let it be.
If you decide to go dark at least it is a decision you made and have control over. Let him chase you for a while.
