Hi all, No, Ron, it doesn't have to do with the passing hope that he was coming over to call off the D, I really didn't give that much thought. It has to do with him only being a friend to me so he could reduce his support payments to me -- as in, you seem to be ok, and we're friends, so why the hell am I giving you money? This is one area where I wonder if DBing can backfire -- when they think you haven't really suffered or struggled or "clawed your way away from the rope," (Jenhoco), that maybe they haven't reeeaaaaally yanked the rug out from under your feet and left you not knowing what your future is, that maybe it's "OK" that they lied and deceived and cheated because you seem to be all right and seem to be wanting to have a friendship with them.
I was/am so floored and hurt by H spending a very nice couple of hours with me, and then writing me a resentful, horrid email the next morning, "why exactly am I giving you money?". He still has plenty to live a nice lifestyle, he's the one who chose to move into a very swanky neighborhood in the city.
Maybe there just are some WAs out there who really are only thinking of themselves. H's letter implied no respect for all I have done to try to handle this with grace and to remain friends with him. His second email ended with, "It will be a long time, Azure, before I bother you again." I wrote back, "Good. I'm amazed at your gall in pretending you cared about my friendship."
I spent the whole day crying. I haven't felt this bad about H in a long time. I blocked his emails from receiving them. I don't want to hear from him.
Obviously I will cut him slack for being under a tremendous amount of strain, but every time I've let him back in, he's done something to hurt me or that shows that primarily, he's looking out for Number 1.
OUCH!!!! I'm so sorry, Azure. . . it really is a crummy thing to do!
Can you identify what brought on this bought of spite? What transpired btn. the nice relaxing time & the next day's email?
I do suspect he is acting out of anger & helplessness over his brother's death, but that doesn't allow him to take it out on you.
You have been a model of grace, caring & good friendship. And nothing he says or does can take that away from you. Don't give him the power to pull you down. If you must protect yourself by going to an attorney, do so. Don't hesitate - YOU must look out for #1, which is you...
I hold my breath and walk this fine line every day between being "ok" for db and worrying that my H will then decide to cut support to me. So, I know a bit about the feelings you are having. Aside from the betrayal, it cuts right to one's sense of survival. To have one's emotional life turned topsy-turvy is bad enough but to then have to worry about your basic needs at the same time while someone else blithely steps out into his shiny new world is just a horror.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I do hope that we might get together...stategize, sympathize, exercise, exorcize and/or maybe watch a movie or two!
Azure, I won't make any excuses for what your H did. He sounds like a jerk. If I ever break up, I expect that W will need to be cared for.
What I do want to say is this. You are reacting. And you should. But realize that fact. He is controling you. He knows that. Maybe he gets off on that. I don't know. Maybe he does that to see you react. Then he knows that he is still in control of you. Is that what you want, Azure? Do you want to be that controled person? Predictable? Controlable?
I'm not giving you any help here, unless it is to help you see what is going on.
You are a good person, Azure. I wish you the best.
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
You have been so helpful and supportive of me, and I wish to offer that support back to you!! I think about the people here in my real life. I think about pumpkin curry in SF, and wonder how humid it is in Fla., if NSN is drinking her ensure . I went on the trip down the coast with you (highway 1?)
I would love to read the e-mail in full, if you feel like posting it sometime. Your writing really touched me on the WAS' perception of our being OK. I have taken my recent developments as an opportunity to tell H some of the things I have really done and gone through. I did feel better that I was able to get some of those things off my chest, even though I didn't get the verbal response I would like. It opened a door for me to say, "this is not the path I chose, so what do I do now"? to H.
Your H is in immense pain, and so are you. Please do whatever you can live with. Try to put yourself in a state of mind a year from now, and look back on your actions now, what will you choose to do, or not do? and how will that affect you?
This journey is so much deeper than I thought, and I have a feeling that there are so many more layers, infinite I believe. I love your river analogy. A Taoist thought.. "whether you are fighting the current, or flowing along, you are still going in the direction of the river"
jenhoco
Sometimes the lights all shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been. -- Grateful Dead
. I went on the trip down the coast with you (highway 1?)