You all are so good. Thanks for all the affirmation. I know, H2H, I'm sorry. I feel like I have really dropped the rope in a lot of ways, and that combined with all the madness, and H not talking to me for almost a week, there just really hasn't been a whole lot to report on.
Although -- I have thought back on some of the things he said in our conversation that were good. For one thing -- and it may not seem like much to an outsider -- he asked about the dog, and said, "I've been thinking about her lately." [He loves the dog, but he hasn't asked about her in a long time, and he complained a couple of times while we were together that I gave her more attention than him. I don't think that's true, but still. Anyway, he knows asking about her is a route to my heart, not that that is WHY he was asking.] He also said that he put my sympathy card about BIL next to a big, smiling picture of BIL, and that one of the quotes particularly he had read over and over. Thirdly, when thanking me profusely for the birthday card (I sent separate cards for sympathy and birthday b/c I thought he would appreciate that) and the present, he said, "I've gotten tons of sympathy cards, but my birthday was kind of overlooked, so I really appreciate it." (Thanks, LL book, for making me see how important Gifts are to him).
And finally, he implied that it was good to talk to me because we have both been through tragic events, it's like it's understood that we don't have to talk about those events every moment, that it's ok to laugh or have fun or be irreverent, because one needs a break from the sadness. He said a lot of people don't know what to say to him, and also sometimes he really needs to NOT talk about it. I think we were pretty in-sync about that, so we alternated between serious talk about our losses, and silly, upbeat stuff.
[But it still kind of kills me when he talks about how we each deserve a break from all the sadness of the past year, which is certainly true, although so much of my sadness was triggered by his actions. But I just validate :-), because if I pretend he wasn't the cause of a lot of my pain, then we are just two people who can relate to each other's experience. ]
Quote: he said, "I've gotten tons of sympathy cards, but my birthday was kind of overlooked, so I really appreciate it." (Thanks, LL book, for making me see how important Gifts are to him).
And finally, he implied that it was good to talk to me because we have both been through tragic events, it's like it's understood that we don't have to talk about those events every moment, that it's ok to laugh or have fun or be irreverent, because one needs a break from the sadness. He said a lot of people don't know what to say to him, and also sometimes he really needs to NOT talk about it. I think we were pretty in-sync about that, so we alternated between serious talk about our losses, and silly, upbeat stuff.
You and H have a bond that no one else seems to be able to duplicate for him right now. He has a need - to get a break from all the sadness right now - and you seem to be the only one to be able to give him that b/c you know what it feels like to need that break. I can see why you say it is difficult and it kills you to talk about some of this stuff.
I do see this as a positive interaction between you two.
Still thinking about you. Hang in there, dear Azure.
NSN My current thread LUVR ... Listen, Understand, Validate, and Respond
Quote: It was good. I felt pretty close to him, but in a different way than before. I didn't feel all desperate for his approval. I felt like he was a friend where we had both been through some serious sh*t, and we could understand each other. I'm glad we talked.
I am so glad you got to talk and that it was so positive.
I just wrote something similar on my thread....you put it much more eloquently....it is good to NOT be desperate for their approval!
I like that you are validating when he talks about the sadness of the past year.
I think I see a friendship in your future. You should feel so good about all the work you have done to get to this point!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: a good friendship is sometimes the medicine needed to repair the R.
I 100% agree with Nitaf here. This is the entirety of the approach I am taking with my W. I want to become her freind again, and in many ways we are. Except for a slip up last night, the last few days have been really nice. She smiles when we are together, she looks at me - she hasnt looked at me or in my eyes since the sep. It has felt good. I am remembering all that I love about her, and maby she is remembering some of what she loves about me. She always talks about my eyes being what made her fall in love, so I am glad she is looking at them again!
Keep going Azure
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Thanks, Maya! I didn't really think about that, thanks for pointing it out.
X, Nitaf, thanks for dropping by. Xalelle, that was a wonderful story about your W smiling at you.
Hi all, Just before I left work to meet GBO on Friday, H emailed me and said, “I know this is late notice, but do you want to go on a walk or a hike tomorrow (Saturday) afternoon?" I quickly (since I was leaving) emailed back and said, “Sure, that would be cool.” Then I went off to my excellent dinner with GBO (pumpkin curry and coconut rice – yum!). I was so glad to spend some of her precious last few hours with her, and see her sweet kids again. GBO, I hope you and kids have a fabulous time and much deserved respite and fun!
Yesterday H swung by around 2 pm. We never did go on the hike, we just hung out in my living room and talked about all kinds of stuff (no R stuff), his brother, my dad, books, sociology, office gossip, etc. I said at one point that I wanted to see Spiderman – he said, “I’ll see that with you. How about Wednesday?” So unless otherwise notified, that’s the plan. He stayed for a couple of hours, I really think he wanted someone to talk to with whom he felt comfortable. (Although I must admit that it crossed my mind before he came over, ‘maybe he wants to call off the D,’ I didn’t spend that much time thinking about that. I really have significantly dropped the rope. Maybe that’s why we’re able to hang out).
Quote: ‘maybe he wants to call off the D,’ I didn’t spend that much time thinking about that. I really have significantly dropped the rope. Maybe that’s why we’re able to hang out).
I think the WAS has a "sixth sense" about when we have REALLY dropped the rope versus when we are acting "as if"....
As you know, I have not only dropped the rope, I have run away from it! Lo and behold...I think ex and I are starting teeny tiny baby steps towards being friends. I think it will be a LONG process, but I have a feeling my detachment is triggering it!!
You go girl....a "date" to see Spiderman too....
Be happy, but of course, keep expectations low and PMA high!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
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