I'm not certain how to answer this because I'm struggling with similar issues and feelings. I have noticed that I don't really think about things like this as long as we are connecting physically. And *that* is probably an indication of something wrong with me but I'm not sure what yet. The thing I keep doing is trying to connect with the things that made me love my W when we first started dating. When dating, she seemed poised to be an awesome partner because she was pushing herself to grow and experience the things that I was sharing. My thrill-seeking nature was attractive to her and she was pushing herself to grow in these areas. At some point, I think she stopped feeling safe with me and no longer wanted to grow towards and retreated to an excessively risk-averse posture.
So the one thing I was enthusiastic about, she stopped doing. She also slowed the sex when we got engaged and stopped when we were married. I ignored her and continued to live my life and she found a comfortable groove in her "safe" world. I am certain that our entire set of problems has to do with trust, risk, control etc. I probably scare her instead of thrill her now.
My realization and insight about this came from looking closely at the SSM as a symptom of a problem. Part of my efforts includes trying to push her in very subtle ways towards "riskier" things. I'm not talking extreme stuff. It's stuff that seems innocuous like going to new restaurants but she's had her heels dug in so deep for so long, that little things like this will begin to loosen things up. Next might be a day trip somewhere. The minute I put a bike in front of her or take her into the mountains, she's going to freeze up with fear. I have encourage her inside of her world first before I try to share my world with her.
The discouraging thing is going to be the fact that she might feel like this marriage is extremely enriching while I end up feeling tired of trying so hard for so long. Sorry, I'm seriously digressing on your thread. I think my point is this...if you feel up to the challenge, you might need to look back to what attracted you to your H in the first place and try to understand what he was attracted to in you. Then look for creative ways to create the essence of that today. It doesn't mean acting like you did back then. It means looking carefully at the core interplay of trust, respect, control, attraction etc. and seeing if things have changed and why. Then using principals of "differentiation" described in Passionate Marriage, you can try to affect change in way that rekindles the passion and interest. This will "allow the relationship to work on you" instead of "you trying to work on the relationship".
smiles, you are in a precarious position. I wish you all the strength in the world because it's not easy and oddly, it's not as simple as talking to your spouse. I'm learning this every day. It's almost as if we have to go into our secret hiding place, formulate ideas, and execute them without their knowledge that we are operating on a plan. Sharing your plans makes otherwise romantic and spontaneous efforts seem clinical. Treat your work on the relationship like you would a stomach virus...far away from anyone whose affection you seek.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
