What is my bad attitude towards women. I love women, I understand more about them now then ever. Can someone enlighten me as to how I have a bad attitude towards women, that may actually help me fix somethings. I may have it and just don't know it.
CeMar, let's start with the fact that you think it's all her fault. From the writings of CeMar:
Quote: My wife is very similar, men are too sex crazed. But for most of us, when we get married, we BOTH have HD, then the wife changes to LD, and then blames the guy. Huh?
Quote: Unfortunately, some women love a man's tool, and others really have little interest in it. Only the ones that LOVE that tool will actually have successful marriages. I have read the book about what men want women to know by B. DeAngilis, and it basically is the instruction manual for women to use. If your wife follows the manual, she will have a very successful marriage. I could give that book to my wife and say, read it and live it and we will have an incredible marriage. [The only problem is that she has no hope of ever being able to follow the instructions as she can not possibly change enough to do those things.
Quote: It really is quite simple, you just have to love sex and desire sex with your spouse. Unfortunately, almost half of all women are NOT really capable of being like this, and we are the unfortuante guys that married one of these women.
Quote: LD's by there own nature PREFER to be roomates, that is THE WHOLE problem.
Quote: The old Love Languages. People tend to give love in the way they want to recieve love. I have figured out that my love language is physical touch. I do not have a second love language like some do. Unfortuantely, my wifes love language is NOT physical touch. For a ND wife, physical touch is easily the hardest love language to learn if it is not your primary language. Sure, she cooks dinner, does the laundry, etc.., but these are only appreciated by me, they are not LOVE to me. If she wants to express love to me in a meaningful way, it must come through physical touch, which could be affection or sex. Nothing else will make any deposits in the love tank. Now I too must figure out her love language so that I can make deposits in her love tank.
*****You are not just here asking questions about sex. You are also asking how how you two can reconnect as a couple with intimacy, affection, and trust. Sex is part of that package, but not the only thing that you need. If it were, you would never have come here seeking answers, you would have had an affair and had those physical needs met and not thought twice about it.*****
This really caught my attention because really isn't this why we are here? I know if I wanted to have an affair I could.. It's not just about the physical pleasure.. By far.. I know for myself I want to feel wanted and desired by my H... I want to have that emotional bond with him. Yes the ML is the icing on the cake but to be honest it goes much deeper than that. Any of us could take the easy way out and go to someone else to meet our physical needs.. What we are searching and longing for is much more than the act itself... I want everything that comes with a compassionate marriage, along with the ML.
One question I have is when I am an affectionate person and he isn't how do you get passed that? I want so much to to be to caressed and cuddled.. I want him to pat me in the butt not just when he wants to ML. I also want passionate kisses in the middle of the day. I want to feel he values my needs as much as I value his. We have no control over our H so what do we do to get our needs met?
Sorry If I have change the subject.. It just does bring up questions I don't have answers to but I do know this much I am not looking somewhere else to get those needs met.. I want to make things work in my M and that won't happen if I go that route...
I too love affection, LOTS of affection. My wife is very unaffectionate. I have not kissed my wife on the lips in a year. She does not like to kiss me. It is very weird. But how to build a relationship with someone that is not affectionate. Unfortunately, the solution seems to be to tell the LD what needs to change, and then let them deal with it for some time, and if nothing changes, to leave them. The worst part is that we can change ourselves, but our spouse, we have no control over, and they hold the solution if the really try.
I know that this is an awfully late reply, but I just want to say that you're so right. Just do it is predicated on the assumption that the LD partner agrees that there is a D problem and is willing to work on it. My W, like your H, doesn't recognize that there is a problem and has no interest at all in working on it. My response to JDI was meant as an answer to the quality issue.
It's not a late reply at all. I just wanted to caaution folks that what might seem to be a good idea may not be a good idea in all circumstances and to use caution when taking action.
CeMar: My biggest and most prominent and most EFFECTIVE crucible tool was talking.
Being willing to shoot everything out in the open instead of suffering silently was the key for us to start moving ahead.
By this, I mean I didn't just say once or twice or many times "I want more sex" but I said it every single freaking time things started to get stale. Sometimes that meant I was saying something a couple times a week. Every time I sensed that he was trying to ease us back into a more familiar pattern, I had to blow it out in the open again. It was a VERY confrontational time of my life (and some weeks still are, if you want to know the truth) but it was worth it.
I see you struggling with your own crucible because you are not willing to confront your wife.
You want to silently make changes to yourself and hope she will do the same. This has not worked so far and I am surprised that you are still doing it!
You wrote in another thread that you have not kissed your wife on the lips for over a year. Why do you tolerate this?
Why not just say to her: "From now on, we will be kissing in this marriage in a way that husbands and wives do. If you refuse to go along with this, I will take that as a sign of how committed you are to staying married to me for life."
Ok, you might want to phrase it a little gentler, lol (I'm in a mood today) but my point is that YOU GO ALONG WITH ALL THIS and then bitch about it.
You must do something and call her on her destructive behavior before you can expect any change from her. It sucks, but that is the way it is.
