Cathy - I totally agree with Minnie. I thinks it's absolutely wonderful that you and your H had a great anniversary. It kind of makes all that hard work worth it doesn't it?
I'm on break right now. Will be on-line tonite.
Hugs, Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
As to be expected, H is on a downswing. Answers his phone "what?" and I said is that anyway to answer your phone? Then asked me what I wanted. I said I just called to see how your day was going. H IS not in a good mood today, says he has too much stress in his life. I told him he needed to get rid of some of it then. Said to me "OW and you are playing me for a fool or mind games" or something like that.
First of all I don't think I'm pressuring H to do anything, nor ask him to do anything (okay going out to dinner, he is my husband so how can he complain about that and we haven't been out in months) or ask H to make any decisions about anything..if any of this makes sense.
S and I are supposed to go with him Friday night and he's back and forth, back and forth, one day he's telling us what we can do while he's fishing and then the next day he's telling us not to come. I said "you don't want me to come, is that what you're saying?" and he wouldn't respond. I said if you don't want me to come then just tell me.
I figure our conversation isn't heading anywhere so I told him I'd let him go and that I'd talk to him later, no sound..I say are you there? H said yeah I'm here" more silence and I say well "bye, hope your day gets better" and hang up.
I guess he needs some space or something, which I can give to him. I'm sure OW is pressuring/bugging him that she hasn't seen him in awhile, at least I ASSume he hasn't seen her, I know he hasn't stayed the night in over two weeks.
This is H's last fishing tournament for the summer, so he will have more time on his hands after this weekend. I guess I'll have to think of ways to fill up the time.
Why is it that when is H is in his mood, when he makes reference to OW, I feel this new lightness, my mood becomes more upbeat and I feel more loving towards H. There is also that anxious feeling, like oh no what's going to happen, will H succomb to OW pressures? Is H getting towards his breaking point? I know/feel he's awakening from his fog, his actions and words of the last month are showing me that, but how will he break free of OW? I also feel our M is where H wants to be and not with OW, that she's more of a burden right now than anything else. H has feelings for her that developed from his R with her, but I think H has it in him to disengage himself from that R at some point. He's going to blow up, which is usually when he makes his deicions, and OW might just be the one to push him to the breaking point. From what I see and feel WE are getting closer, we are moving towards something better, there is a new feel to our sitch, my inituition is telling me this and it's for the better.
Holdingon said the same thing, the swing out, my gosh I'm finally seeing it to and expecting it...is that the same as no expectations?! Maybe it is because there have been times when he hasn't done this and it throws me for a loop. In the past after an inswing, he'd hit the bar and last night he came home after work, in fact that last few times we've had a good weekend together, he has had the outswing, but it didn't involve drinking.
I thought the same thing as Deb but didn't want to say it/believe it.
And you know what....I sorta expected it why my H as well. We had a good am yesterday....well....he didn't show up last night but did this am. Guess what kindda moood he was in? That's right....Grumpy Man Mode!
I'm starting to see it as well.
I'm glad to read that your H hasn't been drinking as much these past few weeks. I wondered if I was just missing it in your posts.
So in reality H was just blowing smoke this morning, trying to blame HIS problems on me, making them about me, but I think he's beginning to realize it's him. Thus, his quietness during our conversation this morning, when I didn't make his problems about me, just said "I'm sorry you feel that way"
You know, Dbing says to validate... and validating is always good, but I really think there is a time when it actually WORKS and a time when it just stops arguments... I guess maybe it WORKS all the time, but doing different things.
For instance, validating with my H now, saying Yes, I realize I did those things and I'm sorry tends to stop arguments. I don't think my H is thinking it is about him at all, but he can't argue with me cause I'm not going there. Does this make any sense? I think some WAS are so out of it, in the tunnel, fed up, whatever that nothing we do tends to make them think.
Cathy... I see your H getting it. And I think this is hard for him. Now is the time to really validate, really give him space when he's a grump, expect him to have down time after moving close, etc. I think you are really seeing results from your DBing. You go girlfriend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I see your H getting it. And I think this is hard for him. Now is the time to really validate, really give him space when he's a grump, expect him to have down time after moving close, etc. I think you are really seeing results from your DBing.
Yes! I think he's getting it and it is hard for him. Especially with OW getting wackier.
I was helping H put his boat away last night, he spent about two hours washing it, he said to me out of the blue "we're moving after I get back from my hunting trip" (which is September). I just said "where" H said I don't care we're moving. I said out of state, then asked him why. H said "I'll tell you later" as he's looking around and shaking his head. Then he just said "I'm just going to leave" not come back from my hunting trip and H repeated I'm leaving you, I said you already did
I asked again what happened as I wanted to know and he said something like "remember when you were pregnant" meaning before we got married and more or less why we got married. And I said "she's pregnant?" and H said no, she's threatening to get pregnant...I said "well you have to sleep with her first don't you?" and left it at that, I mean come on.
The thing is it REALLY didn't bother me, didn't surprise me, made me want to say to H "yep, textbook OW" And, as my good friend Holdingon pointed out to me, a good reason for H to not want to have a lot to do with OW moving forward and that OW IS slowing hanging herself.
We had a great evening last night, H was in a good mood, relaxed and comfortable being at home kind of mood. I think he feels safe there and is beginning to think of our house as is home once again. H does outswing, but seems to be swinging back in a little quicker these days.
More space, more patience, that I can do.
Quote: You go girlfriend.
Right back at you (we did more than just snuggle last night ) Cathy
So how was the weekend? What a weird conversation with your H while putting away the boat.
He tells you "we" are moving - but which "we"? Does he want to put some distance between him and OW?
And it really sounds like the OW is hanging herself - threatening to get pregnant is not a way to endear yourself to a guy.
I truly think that she is in the final stages of pushing him away. He may still talk to her but it really seems like his "face time" with her is fading fast.
You are really amazing and continue to amaze me with your strength. I hope that S4 and you (and H) had a great weekend.
Fill us in - I hope the weekend was good and that is why you haven't been around!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
First and foremost, WE is me, S and H. Then he had second thoughts and said "I'm moving" he did it again yesterday. We cleaned out the garage and he said something about we're moving anyway. Then said I'm moving and I said we're going with, I'm going with, you can't go without us and he said "I'M moving" which are just words.
We went out in the boat yesterday late afternoon and he said something about moving to Tennessee and I said that would be okay with me, I have a very good friend there who's H is like my H, has a lot of his own interests. I then said something about working and H said "I'm not working" I'm fishing, I said well Tennessee is okay with me. I wasn't looking at him, but out of the corner of my eye thoguht I saw him look at me in amazement.
Our weekend was great, H fished, caught his limit, placed in the tourament, I was so happy for him. We hung around H for awhile Saturday after he was done fishing, S4 was being needy, at one point H told S4 to get away from him, so I took S4 and went to the car. I did this for H, it wasn't very nice of H, at least I didn't think, but realized that H just wanted to be there and talk to his fishing friends and not have to have S4 bugging him. S4 was being a pest, which he can be but then he is 4. At first I did take it personally "fine we'll just go over there and sit by ourselves" or maybe it was a pity party coming, but got over it fast. Put myself in H's shoes and wanted him to enjoy himself. A couple of H's work buddies even came which I think made H happy, too.
Saturday night around 8:30ish the room in our motel rings. I said "who would be calling here?" thinking it might be S20 and so H says "answer it" which I did and it was a hang up...hmmmm wonder who it was...
We got home about midmorning yesterday, worked on the garage, H got S4's fishing pole ready so that H could take him fishing. First we were going, then we weren't going, then we were going, then we weren't and finally, we went
We get out in the boat, H's cell phone is ringing, he grabs it looks a the number, throws it back in the dashdrawer. I'm just ASSuming it was you know who. Not to long after asked me what time it was, in looking back I think H was trying to put off as long as he could going to see OW.
We get back, get the boat in the garage, H comes in says to me "I have to leave for awhile" and I didn't say anything. Says to me at one point "do you know what my life's been like the last two years" and I say "I can only imagine" and then H heads out the door, I said "good luck" why did I say that anyway? Don't know why but it's what I said. H was going to see OW.
H is gone for a few hours, left at 7 back by 10, gets back, I'm in bed, the lights are off, H gets ready for bed, turning lights on in the bedroom, doing this doing that, comes to bed and goes to sleep. I didn't say a word to him.
Got up early this morning, same time H did and asked him if he slept well and he said no.
So what was up last night, I have no idea what was said or what happened. I never know to ask or not.
Got to not focus on the negatives--last night--but accentuate ALL the positives, all the steps closer.
One huge positive H came back last night, didn't take anything with him when he left to to OW. So we are making progress, little by little. This is just going to take awhile isn't it?!
Then asked me what I wanted. I said I just called to see how your day was going. H IS not in a good mood today, says he has too much stress in his life. I told him he needed to get rid of some of it then. Said to me "OW and you are playing me for a fool or mind games" or something like that.
Right back at you (we did more than just snuggle last night 
) 
