Going to put some thoughts here that are going through my mind and maybe help me decide how to handle our anniversary.
I'm struggling about our wedding anniversary which is in two days, Monday. Do I even acknowledge it? To my knowledge H hasn't fully committed to our marriage meaning OW is still in the background, at least I ASSume she is. If OW is still in the picture then WHY would I want to celebrate our anniversary? So part of me wants to just ignore it, act like it's any other day and see if H mentions it.
Another part says...We have not had a "date" since, well I can't even remember when, so it's been that long. Do I say something like H since it's our anniversary on Monday I thought maybe you and I could go out to dinner or to a movie or something, just the two of us, a date? And see how he responds.
Even though we were separated we are still married, seven years on Monday, but how do we celebrate? It just feels awkward.
Last year when he was living with OW, I did give him a card, and received nothing from H, no acknowledgement of any kind, which was fine, I really didn't have any expectations, I golfed that day and H and his boys were up north fishing, so H was with our family, not OW on our anniversary last year.
Right now I'd like it all to go away. That I'd like to leave it completely in H's hands, let H take the lead. His mom sent us a card earlier this week and H did see it so I wonder if his moodiness is due to the fact that he knows it's coming up also.
Or do I grab the bull by the horns, make some plans and just go for it!!! Arghhhh....
Bought some great things today, knicknacks for the living room and a suede coat for me!!
Quote: Do I say something like H since it's our anniversary on Monday I thought maybe you and I could go out to dinner or to a movie or something, just the two of us, a date? And see how he responds.
Yes - or even better, just say "H, I got a sitter for Monday night and made some plans for us for dinner". Your H really needs to see that you care and that you put more effort into these plans than you did into the pork chops the other night And even though things aren't great right now, use the evening to reminisce about what HAS been good in your R in the past, and celebrate that. And buy your H something nice that you know he wants. Act As If, okay?
I had a great weekend, just fantastic. It was just S and me. MIL’s b-day was last week and there was a party for her Saturday and swimming at SIL’s pool afterwards. H’s whole family was there, except for H and S20. I had such a nice time and S4 loved the pool! H’s two brothers enjoy our S4, but then one of H’s brothers is a kid himself, as well as S4’s much older cousins. S and I just hung out on Sunday.
I did buy H an anniversary gift, which I’m sure he’ll like. Gifts from me in the past from me have not been very creative, a sweatshirt or shirts, which H likes to point out, so I bought him a t-shirt and a gift card from his local sporting goods store. Taped the gift card, which for me is a very generous amount, to the inside of the box and put the t-shirt on top. When he opens it he’ll see the t-shirt, act like he really likes it and then see the card with my note “sorry to disappoint you this year, but this gift is more than just a t-shirt.
H didn’t get back from fishing till later in the evening. I did call him mid afternoon to see how they are doing fishing and to inquire as to when they’d be back, which wouldn’t be till later. I didn’t work up the courage to ask H to dinner last night, arranged from my SIL to pick up S after work earlier on Sunday, so that part was taken care.
H and S20 stayed at a friends for the weekend, which I knew nothing about. And I’m thinking why doesn’t H tell me this kind of stuff? And, why can’t I ask him anything, question him as to what he ‘s doing? I’m told that you have to just leave an MLC’er alone, not question them on their whereabouts, no pressure, but then how do I find out anything about his life? He has all these friends from work that I know of, yet H doesn’t share his work life with me nor did he before this all happened. I mean HOW do I find this stuff out? Then to have H accuse me of NOT talking to him! Yet H doesn’t TALK to me, doesn’t SHARE with me, so it’s MY fault?! He can use it as an excuse as to why we shouldn’t be together?! “we never talk, it’s always about S4” well when S4 is around he kind of takes up the space.
This morning I called H, to ask him to dinner with me tonight. I heard noise in the background and he’s working, says he’s been starting at 5:30 most of the summer and “why did I think he was getting up so early” and here I’ve been ASSuming everything and anything BUT that he’s working early. I’m not supposed to PRESSURE/ASK an MLC’er anything and then feel so foolish because he has been starting work early and thus the reason he’s been leaving early. H must really think I don’t care about him now.
So I asked him about tonight, he said no, he doesn’t have any money. He said why do you want to go? I said I didn’t know if he remembered or not, but it was our anniversary. Says yeah he remembered, it’s just a piece of paper, we’re married, but not married. You never talk to me. Well today for the first time I realized it’s not me who doesn’t talk it’s H and the walls H has up, that don’t allow me to get close to him. When he left me for OW he says they have “conversations” well I’m wondering what about? The fact that OW didn’t have any kids and was able to go at the drop of a hat, that she drank with H, oh maybe that’s when they talked. I wonder what exactly they did have conversations about, ME and how I awful I was to H, H’s awful life and all the awful wive’s he’s had, OW talked about how sad and lonely she was since her H died, and how my H is soo wonderful and blah, blah, blah.
I remember H coming to our house, oh about two days after H moved in with OW and H sharing with me that OW had called him on his cell phone on the way to our house and said something like “now that I’ve finally got you here don’t tell me you’re leaving” I mean WTF?! She was more than likely trying to persuade H to move in with her since the day OW found out how miserable of a life my H had with ME! Okay I’m done venting. And this was if I’m guessing right, two months after they MET!
Why am I supposed to wait until H is ready to talk, I just REALLY have a hard time talking to my own H, if I feel someone doesn’t want to have a conversation with me or it’s like pulling teeth to talk or if I can’t ask him anything, then what do we talk about.. He is a difficult man to talk to and maybe it’s just me, maybe he doesn’t like to talk to me, doesn’t want to include me in HIS life right now and/or will he ever..
I’m trying to be upbeat all the time and I am finding I’m so much happier when H isn’t around. I’m trying to keep ALL my feelings inside and not share with H either, NOT until H’s is ready to talk to me…which could be never. This “crashing” thing that they do in MLC, well I don’t know if it’s going to happen with my H, he’s more or less quit drinking, well the heaving drinking anyway. He’s still not nice to me or just doesn’t care about my feelings, I don’t know anymore, he could stay like this forever.
H did have a few drinks before he came home from work on Thursday, but did his best to be nice, he really held his tongue and was nice. That’s until S4 started acting up then H blew, was slamming stuff around, yelling at our S4 and I’m thinking why do I want this man in my life?
He’s been home now since Jan. 2, going on 8 months, yet I still don’t know if he’s there for our marriage or not. Don’t if OW is still in the picture or what’s happening with OW either.
So I carry on, day to day, doing the best I can. Getting better at looking to the Lord for my answers.
I feel really good about H's gift, I have no expectation of getting anything at all from H, but that's okay, I'm just happy I can give him something really nice this year.
I just wish H could show a little more enthusiasm about the evening, I know this last year for US hasn't been the best year, but nevertheless we are married and still married, H is at home and I have to beleive it's not just for our S, so why not do something to acknowledge that fact alone! And it will also give H and I some alone time, time to talk, as H claims we never do. I feel like I don't even know my H anymore.
I know that a lot of H's words ARE just words. I really don't think my H knows how to express himself with words that mean something to me, that I can understand. Rather than "stupid" or "dumb" which could mean a number of things when they come out of my H's mouth.
