Sorry I wasn't around to help with your anger too but my kids all have swimming lessons every morning. I am at the pool from 9:15 - 11:15.
We have softball on Monday and Tuesday evenings but that is almost done. The year end tournament in next weekend.
I love your list of positives. And remember, you don't know for sure if H ended up at OW's. And if he did, I am sure she guilted or coaxed or drank him into it - maybe all three.
Not that that is any excuse, but she is losing her battle and is probably pulling out all stops right about now. As you said, he hasn't been there for 3 weeks.
In fact, if he brings her up during one of his finer moments, I'd mention that to him. "You went without seeing her for 3 weeks and we had some great family times while during that time - let's continue to build our future as a family"
You amaze me with your patience and resolve. You deserve happiness and resolution. Your positives indicate to me that while the journey is slow, the outcome will be positive!
I'll keep praying for you Cathy!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Called H on the way to my meeting to check-in regarding swimming lessons…couldn’t get through right away as we were both calling each other at the same time. He said he was on the lake fishing, had been since 10 am rained out at work in the am and was just heading into to the boat ramp and then on his way to pick up S. Normal conversation. Later I found a co-worker was fishing with him.
My meeting didn’t go as long as planned last night, so I went shopping. Bought S4 a new lamp for his room, with deer on it, and few bear figurines.
Came home, looked like H had been searching for something as S4’s clothes were out of his drawers and on the floor and I knew right away he had been looking for S4’s swimming stuff and it was on the floor in the kitchen as I had started to tell him on the phone.
H and S got home from swimming lessons, H is his “I wasn’t home the night before mode” which means not wanting to talk to me, but eventually he did. AT one point he was in the bedroom packing his bag and I asked him if he was leaving? He just looked at me and then S came in the room. (he was getting it ready to go fishing this weekend). I went in where H was a little later, S was in his room and H said to me “does it matter if I’m here or not” I ignored him thinking does it matter what I say?
Later after S went to bed I went in by H who laying in bed and he once again asked me if it mattered or not if he was there. I said well I really don’t have any control over that since when you decide you’re not going to be here you don’t tell me anyway. So what can I do. And I always tell you my feelings and then you don’t believe me.
Shut the lights off, laying in bed. H says “one of you (OW or me) is going to have to decide for me” Like one of us has a hold on him that he can’t break whenever he wants to. I wanted to say I’m not holding you back you can leave whenever, but didn’t I just seem to be repeating myself over and over. I then told him when I spoke with him on the phone the other day I could tell he was down about something. H said he hated his job, he hated his life and it was too complicated. Mentioned he was selling his boat in a month.
H then said something about me saying that saying that our live's are predestined, that we are here to learn. I said you have to find your happiness H. So he did listen to that and at least had him thinking.
I then answered his question about whether it mattered or not whether he was there or not and said that it did. Know what his answer was “no it doesn’t”!! EXACTLY what I knew it would be, H keeps asking me the same questions over and over. Is he searching for a different answer?
H hasn’t been sleeping well, I must have dozed off and then moved because H asked ME if I couldn’t sleep and then the next thing I know he’s moving or by me and we…
This seems like a pattern also, that after he’s spent the night with OW he wants to with me. I’ve never asked, but feel that maybe OW and H don’t when he stays there. If they do is it weird that he would want to with me right after her? Like I said I don’t ask and try not to think too much about it either. Maybe they don’t even sleep in the same bed, he once made the comment that he sleeps in the basement at house and at OW’s. This was when H was sleeping in our lower level so it was awhile ago and who knows.
Right before we’re falling asleep I say good night to H and he whispers it lovingly back (at least that's how it sounded to me) and I then told H that I had a great time last weekend. (I know, but better late then never).
So here I am at work thinking “now what?” Do I do anything, do I just keep doing what I’ve been doing, back off more? I do think he’s really starting to question why he’s not happy, so maybe I just need to let him hit rock bottom, let the OW pressure him till he blows.
I think H is going through a little depression, or maybe it's just more obvious this week. H can't sleep, last night he went to bed early said he didn't sleep well the night before. I asked if it was anxiety again? He said yes. I said try to focus on something else, I know all about anxiety. In thinking about this right now, why I did say focus on something else when I had no idea what his anxiety is from. This morning he was up even earlier and off to work. He took his boat with him as he's leaving right from work to go fishing. I woke up when he left and I started having anxiety thinking he was going to OW's to drop his boat off and then stay there tonight and leave in the morning. And now in the light of day so be it, there's nothing I can do about it anyway.
I called him on my way to work this morning to see if he had lunch, he said yes two bananas and apple, asked him if he wanted a sandwhich and would bring it out. H said no, that's all he wanted, he's trying to get into shape for his hunting trip this fall. My ulterior motive was to see if he had his boat with him at work.
I'm speculating, but it seems that his anxiety attacks are right after he's spent time with OW. Last week he had to run out at 10 pm "to do something" and came back but didn't sleep that night either, anxiety, H was up and off to work at 3 am that morning.
I asked him this morning if he slept when he gets to work that early and he said nope. So he's not getting a whole lot of sleep and I know after awhile that catches up to you and can also affect moods and how you react to things on a day to day basis. When well rested, at least I tend to find, things don't look so bad, I'm calm. If I lack sleep I'm edgy and a little overreactive.
Last night I asked H if he had talked to S20 and he said he tried to call him during the day, but he never called back. H said isn't that nice, you raise a kid and then this, can't even call. In my mind SS20 has been really good about spending time at our house, but H claims it's to see S4. SS IS 20 and keeps his phone off when he works and of course there are going to be times when his social life comes first as it should, he's 20!
Weekend was great! Son asked me when daddy was going to be home from fishing and I said Sunday night and S4 said “that’s alright momma you and me can do stuff together” it was sooo cute. We had a great time!! My H was fishing, didn't hear from him till he got home last night.I didn't call him and he didn't call home. I was at my sister's last night, got in the car had a missed call from H, so he was calling to checkin.
When H isn’t there I do soo well detached living my life, loving my life, then he gets back. I wonder did he stop there on the way home as he mentioned something about some road construction that he wouldn't have seen unless he was coming from her house and then ASKED me the detour route..the only reason he would go this way is to HER house. His boat was also clean..I mean how pathetic that I even notice. He was on the river so I know it gets scummy from the water. Then I have to remind myself there is nothing I can do about it anyway, until he figures things out for himself.
Last night was a normal night, just basic chitchat and goofing around until bed time. It's the adjusting back to H being home that's hard and what do I say, do I say "I missed you" I really did, but the basic response is "yeah right" so I do struggle with our interactions and how much of ME to give to H at this time. If he's seeing OW still, it kind of makes me feel like I am competing with HER, she does nice stuff, I do nice things--like make sure he has some snacks/food for lunch..and then I think why? He's getting all the benefits.
Well enough about that, I'm doing my best to focus on me and son and to be very honest the weekends without H are a nice treat.
I understand your frustration with your H and his "one of you needs to decide". Have you ever said, H, I have decided for you. You need to end your R with ow. Because this is where you need to be.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
A few others have suggested that I point this out or "decide", but not sure if it will matter. I would think H KNOWS this is what he needs to do, or at least I'm getting the feeling that he KNOWS this is what he should do, but can't muster the courage to do it at this point.
I think my H is s-l-o-w-l-y awakening from his MLC fog...time will tell. H isn't drinking like he used to, in fact rarely, so when he visits OW the guilt is there especially since he's sober, and I think HE's even beginning to realize it's a deadend with OW. Just how to end it since OW isn't letting my H go when OW KNOWS H is married. I have added a prayer for OW to find a man who is not already taken to come into her life, praying for the OW to find her own happiness away from my H.
I did speak with H this morning and in a very upbeat tone said that "I missed him this weeend" and can anyone guess what he said??? Yep.."yeah right" BUT, I laughingly countered with "ya know you really need to think of something different to say, that's getting old"
Quote: that’s alright momma you and me can do stuff together”
He sounds wonderful!
It sounds as if we both had a good weekend with our kids. My dd wakes up on Sat and says, "Mommy, we should go to dim sum today." We were meeting a friend of mine (and her dd) for breakfast so we did that instead. We hung out most of the weekend and had a good time.
Quote: I'm doing my best to focus on me and son
You are doing a great job Cathy. Stay on this path!
Crazy stuff you're dealing with, girl! I'm glad you DID tell him you missed him. I was about to suggest that REGARDLESS of what you ASSume his response will be (and are correct say, 99% of the time) that's HIS end of the deal. Be real with YOUR emotions and feelings.
You missed him, say so. You want him around, say so. I LOVE that you told him his response was getting old!! So old in fact it needs to be RETIRED!!!
And all this "one of you needs to make a decision for me" bullsh!t...come on! Cath, do you NOT think OW has asked your H to leave you? Maybe a 100 times? Seems to me he's waiting for YOU to get fed up and kick his butt out for good, like that's what he deserves.
The fact that you, as of yet, haven't done so, is throwing him for a loop. He can't load it all on you, poor baby (read sarcasm there!).
So he's coming up this way bear hunting, huh? Does he have good life insurance? JK!!!
You do make me laugh.. and laugh... he was up you way a little less than a year ago and it seems like just yesterday. I remember he dropped his bear meet off on his way home before he went to OW's, left the meat in our freezer. And then had it processed and brought it back to OUR freezer and telling me as he was unloading it that he was there to move the rest of his stuff out!
I don't think OW comes out and tells H to leave me, more like she begs H to move BACK with her, plays the "poor me" part very well. I have a feeling she's getting pretty desparate, too.
And H's life insurance policy....let's just say I'd have a lot more money than OW got from her H's insurance policy and I SURE wouldn't be spending it on another man, ESPECIALLY a man who was married that is for sure.
We all had a great evening last night! S4 had t-ball and pizza afterwards. Came home and I had made some pork for dinner without anything else, H made the comment "another great meal by Cathy" I was fine with what I had and went onto the deck to eat. S was playing ball by himself and wanted me to watch. H prepared his meal along with some green beans and joined me on the deck I said "sorry about the junky meal" I REALLY do have to do better and have signed up for two cooking classes, waiting to hear back if I'm in or not, but I'm excited
We all ended up playing ball with S, S batting, H batting and me shagging balls. H and I played catch for awhile and I did great, still have my arm...a little rusty. I played softball for 20+ years and was thinking I could still play! S4 was pretty impressed kept saying "good catch momma"
Came in the house, S and H took showers and got ready for bed. H was laying in bed and I told S to go in and say good night and I ended up going in and giving H a goodnight kiss, too! I haven't done that in a quite awhile and H was receptive, that man does have soft lips.
Yesterday all my obsessing about weekend stuff was for nothing, well it was a waste of my time. I also found out that OW doesn't live where I thought she lived which was suprising and I don't know why, but I have to now beleive that H wouldn't have time to go see her before work, it would be a little out of his way and the construction signs have been up for a few weeks and H mentioning them the other night means he just noticed them.
I did ask H to golf with me and he said why? I said kind of whiney like "becuase I don't have anyone else to golf with" and H said now you sound like OW. So she must whine to H that she doesn't have any friends, blah, blah...H WILL get sick of that.
I have added a prayer for OW to find a man who is not already taken to come into her life, praying for the OW to find her own happiness away from my H.
I was fine with what I had and went onto the deck to eat. S was playing ball by himself and wanted me to watch. H prepared his meal along with some green beans and joined me on the deck I said "sorry about the junky meal" I REALLY do have to do better and have signed up for two cooking classes, waiting to hear back if I'm in or not, but I'm excited