Called H on the way to my meeting to check-in regarding swimming lessons…couldn’t get through right away as we were both calling each other at the same time. He said he was on the lake fishing, had been since 10 am rained out at work in the am and was just heading into to the boat ramp and then on his way to pick up S. Normal conversation. Later I found a co-worker was fishing with him.
My meeting didn’t go as long as planned last night, so I went shopping. Bought S4 a new lamp for his room, with deer on it, and few bear figurines.
Came home, looked like H had been searching for something as S4’s clothes were out of his drawers and on the floor and I knew right away he had been looking for S4’s swimming stuff and it was on the floor in the kitchen as I had started to tell him on the phone.
H and S got home from swimming lessons, H is his “I wasn’t home the night before mode” which means not wanting to talk to me, but eventually he did. AT one point he was in the bedroom packing his bag and I asked him if he was leaving? He just looked at me and then S came in the room. (he was getting it ready to go fishing this weekend). I went in where H was a little later, S was in his room and H said to me “does it matter if I’m here or not” I ignored him thinking does it matter what I say?
Later after S went to bed I went in by H who laying in bed and he once again asked me if it mattered or not if he was there. I said well I really don’t have any control over that since when you decide you’re not going to be here you don’t tell me anyway. So what can I do. And I always tell you my feelings and then you don’t believe me.
Shut the lights off, laying in bed. H says “one of you (OW or me) is going to have to decide for me” Like one of us has a hold on him that he can’t break whenever he wants to. I wanted to say I’m not holding you back you can leave whenever, but didn’t I just seem to be repeating myself over and over. I then told him when I spoke with him on the phone the other day I could tell he was down about something. H said he hated his job, he hated his life and it was too complicated. Mentioned he was selling his boat in a month.
H then said something about me saying that saying that our live's are predestined, that we are here to learn. I said you have to find your happiness H. So he did listen to that and at least had him thinking.
I then answered his question about whether it mattered or not whether he was there or not and said that it did. Know what his answer was “no it doesn’t”!! EXACTLY what I knew it would be, H keeps asking me the same questions over and over. Is he searching for a different answer?
H hasn’t been sleeping well, I must have dozed off and then moved because H asked ME if I couldn’t sleep and then the next thing I know he’s moving or by me and we…
This seems like a pattern also, that after he’s spent the night with OW he wants to with me. I’ve never asked, but feel that maybe OW and H don’t when he stays there. If they do is it weird that he would want to with me right after her? Like I said I don’t ask and try not to think too much about it either. Maybe they don’t even sleep in the same bed, he once made the comment that he sleeps in the basement at house and at OW’s. This was when H was sleeping in our lower level so it was awhile ago and who knows.
Right before we’re falling asleep I say good night to H and he whispers it lovingly back (at least that's how it sounded to me) and I then told H that I had a great time last weekend. (I know, but better late then never).
So here I am at work thinking “now what?” Do I do anything, do I just keep doing what I’ve been doing, back off more? I do think he’s really starting to question why he’s not happy, so maybe I just need to let him hit rock bottom, let the OW pressure him till he blows.
