I also struggle with the "words" part of things with XH. One thing that I have come to realize that like you, I don't have a problem with the words with other people; so what is the difference with XH?
For me, it is that I have been CONDITIONED to do this. In the past when we would disagree or he would accuse me of something, I was not the person I am today, and just took it. I didn't interact in a positive way with him. I felt attacked and cut down, degraded.
I didn't let him own his feelings. I wasn't strong enough with myself to let it be. I had to defend and try to convince him otherwise. Subconsciously I was learning that interacting with him like that did not work. So in order to avoid that pain I would try to use words in a way that I though he WANTED to hear. Thinking that maybe if I explained in a different way he would suddenly change his thinking and all would be good.
Now, when we interact, that is the learned behavior. I need to work on learning a NEW behavior!
Quote: When I’m with my friends, my sister people who I am comfortable being "me" with well then words just flow. I have the thoughts and the words and they make sense.
Me too! I need to learn that it is ok to be ME around XH and if he has problems with the words then that is his deal. I don't need to defend or try to come up with some other way to say what I really mean that I think will match what he wants/needs to hear.
Quote: 1. Find something positive to see in my H each day (well at least those days that I see him)
Some days you may need to go to a previous day to find the positives. Especialy when he is not there to show you. I think it is important to do every day. Even more so when he is not, as that is the hardest time and those damn negative spinning thoughts creep in.
Quote: 2. Work on my ways of interacting with H. Block the assaults, not catch the footballs, refuse to be sucked into his drama PERIOD.
This also is a biggie for me. What helps me is to just keep going over that I am not responsible for how he feels and I don't have to change that. (can't any ways, so why keep trying!) I am currently reviewing interactions with XH to see where those trigger points are. I do well in conversations to a point. I think that is because I have changed the dynamics of our conversations. I'm no longer playing the game we have spent years developing. So XH keeps on, more of the same, turning up the heat. Instead of walking away, there comes a point that I pick up the sword to do battle and defend my Lair. If I can identify where those are, my feelings around it and make plans to change the behavior, well.....
Quote: 3. Work on expressing myself to my H with WORDS. To relax and feel comfortable enough to make those WORDS that make so much sense in my head, come out of my mouth in away that they make sense to my H.
