I think it’s time to start a new Thread, along with a new attitude, a new way of viewing my circumstances.
My H’s ACTIONS are becoming more positive. And keeping in mind that ACTIONS speak louder than words, I want to start focusing on the ACTIONS, the positives. To keep focusing on the negatives is getting me nowhere, I’m spinning my wheels.
The things I don’t like, the negatives of my H’s actions are the things that drive me crazy AND are the very things that keep those wheels spinning. The things which I have absolutely no control over, and I mean not one iota of control over, are the things that keep me stuck. And it seems like my old behaviors come into play when I start putting myself in H’s journey. The martyr, the poor me, the I’m sorry H that I can’t be who you want me to be on any certain day of the week for you. I’m stronger than I used to be, but it’s still too easy to go there and I need to be stronger. I have to stay off H’s rollercoaster, out of his journey. Let the Lord deal with H.
I DO have control over my thoughts, my words and my actions. I know what I think, my thoughts make so much sense, my actions do speak love so the WORDS need to change. I am going to let go of the fear, I’m going to feel the fear and do it anyways and change my dance, my cycle and the WORDS.
To be very honest words are my biggest obstacle. I tend to think of the perfect response, the words after I’ve said the wrong words or not said anything at all, when the lights are all turned out and everyone's left. So how do I get the words out of my mouth when they are needed the most? My mind goes blank and I’m struck dumb.
When I’m with my friends, my sister people who I am comfortable being "me" with well then words just flow. I have the thoughts and the words and they make sense.
Goals:
1. Find something positive to see in my H each day (well at least those days that I see him)
2. Work on my ways of interacting with H. Block the assaults, not catch the footballs, refuse to be sucked into his drama PERIOD.
3. Work on expressing myself to my H with WORDS. To relax and feel comfortable enough to make those WORDS that make so much sense in my head, come out of my mouth in away that they make sense to my H.
There they are, three goals. I need to break them down into smaller steps. Or if anyone cares to jump in it would be appreciated.
I'm leaving here now to go home and get ready for ou mini-trip tonight and tomorrow.
Listing three daily positives helps me (although I've stopped on my thread) to see progress, to keep a PMA, and feel more at peace.
Quote: To be very honest words are my biggest obstacle. I tend to think of the perfect response, the words after I’ve said the wrong words or not said anything at all, when the lights are all turned out and everyone's left. So how do I get the words out of my mouth when they are needed the most? My mind goes blank and I’m struck dumb.
Same here. I'm with totite, when you figure it out, let me know!!!
Have a wonderful mini-vacation with your H and week off from work next week!!!
I also struggle with the "words" part of things with XH. One thing that I have come to realize that like you, I don't have a problem with the words with other people; so what is the difference with XH?
For me, it is that I have been CONDITIONED to do this. In the past when we would disagree or he would accuse me of something, I was not the person I am today, and just took it. I didn't interact in a positive way with him. I felt attacked and cut down, degraded.
I didn't let him own his feelings. I wasn't strong enough with myself to let it be. I had to defend and try to convince him otherwise. Subconsciously I was learning that interacting with him like that did not work. So in order to avoid that pain I would try to use words in a way that I though he WANTED to hear. Thinking that maybe if I explained in a different way he would suddenly change his thinking and all would be good.
Now, when we interact, that is the learned behavior. I need to work on learning a NEW behavior!
Quote: When I’m with my friends, my sister people who I am comfortable being "me" with well then words just flow. I have the thoughts and the words and they make sense.
Me too! I need to learn that it is ok to be ME around XH and if he has problems with the words then that is his deal. I don't need to defend or try to come up with some other way to say what I really mean that I think will match what he wants/needs to hear.
Quote: 1. Find something positive to see in my H each day (well at least those days that I see him)
Some days you may need to go to a previous day to find the positives. Especialy when he is not there to show you. I think it is important to do every day. Even more so when he is not, as that is the hardest time and those damn negative spinning thoughts creep in.
Quote: 2. Work on my ways of interacting with H. Block the assaults, not catch the footballs, refuse to be sucked into his drama PERIOD.
This also is a biggie for me. What helps me is to just keep going over that I am not responsible for how he feels and I don't have to change that. (can't any ways, so why keep trying!) I am currently reviewing interactions with XH to see where those trigger points are. I do well in conversations to a point. I think that is because I have changed the dynamics of our conversations. I'm no longer playing the game we have spent years developing. So XH keeps on, more of the same, turning up the heat. Instead of walking away, there comes a point that I pick up the sword to do battle and defend my Lair. If I can identify where those are, my feelings around it and make plans to change the behavior, well.....
Quote: 3. Work on expressing myself to my H with WORDS. To relax and feel comfortable enough to make those WORDS that make so much sense in my head, come out of my mouth in away that they make sense to my H.
So #3 is a challenge to lots of us and here I thought I was the only one. I bought the M/V books and will make it my bible so to speak, really absorb and reflect on the information. I’ve already started it and have a few sentences highlighted:
“A man gets close but then inevitably needs to pull away” Haven’t we all seen this happen, even in the best of marriages.
“Men need a kind of love that is trusting accepting, and appreciative.”
“Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding and respectful”
Each of these will be discussed in chapters ahead, I'm really at the beginning of this book.
Quote: I am currently reviewing interactions with XH to see where those triger points are
I love this Water, “reviewing interactions” I have just started doing this mentally, but journally might be better.
Our mini-vacation was great, had a great time, and it was marvelous, simply marvelous. Last summer was great and that was because I made it great. I thought to have another great summer it would mean the days when I was doing MY thing with my friends, with my son. Because of OUR sitch, you know the OW, the hurt, the pain, wanted to think I couldn’t have a great summer while doing things with my H. BUT, decided Friday that I was going to have another great summer and it was going to include all activities with H, too.
I think I’ll list the positives here, there are a few rather than go into the details of the little over 24 hours that we were together. The first focus on me, not because I think I’m this awesome beauty or anything, but because of my H’s reactions to the way I looked.
1. H got home from work, I was dressed in a white spandex tank top with black and white cotton capri’s..well H’s look was “wow” H NOTICING is the positive. I dressed up for H on purpose.
2. We stopped on the way at a sporting goods store. I had to take S to the bathroom, H made his purchases and was waiting by the truck. As S and I were walking out of the store, out of the corner of my eye I could see H watching us the whole time.
(not sure if one and two are really positives, but will post them anyway as I don't really get that many reactions from H on my appearance, at least lately anway)
Other positives are going to sound silly and small, but to me they are important.
--H commented on my nails, they look terrible, but he noticed the one that looked the best. --H commented on a bracelet I was wearing and when did I get it. I gave him this little half smile and said “I’ve had it for awhile” and then H said when did you get it? I said years ago and that was that. A friend gave it me and I wear it a lot in the summer. --This is kind of big H let me drive his boat! Well not very far or anything, but he asked me to start it and to bump it ahead a little bit!! H has never let me touch anything about his boat, let alone sit in the driver’s seat! On our way home I brought it up, S had caught some fish, I caught one bass and then said “and I got to drive daddy’s boat” H had a little half smile on his face at that one. --We stopped at a McD’s on the way home for H to use the bathroom. S was asleep, I was half dozing in the truck and when H got back he had bought us both ice cream cones. I said S is going to be mad, should I put some on his nose so when he wakes up he’ll see we had ice cream.
We got home, got things out of the truck/boat. H decided he was going to head to his fishing spot and stay over. He’s planning on being gone till tomorrow.
What I’m going to post now is BIG, really BIG. H gave S a hug before he left I was in the kitchen also and H initiated a HUG with me!! Woohooo! We hugged I said thanks for taking us this weekend and that I had a great time…H wanted to say “yeah right” but he didn’t he just kind of mumbled something and then head out the door. I was so excited I didn't know what to do with myself after H left..I mean a HUG!
The last time H initiated a hug with me was in September of last year. I hope I don’t have to wait another nine months for the next one.
Our little town is having a parade at noon and then SS is coming over and all three of us are going to see SpiderMan II this afternoon. Probably head to my sister’s later this afternoon.
you read my mind!!