I think it’s time to start a new Thread, along with a new attitude, a new way of viewing my circumstances.
My H’s ACTIONS are becoming more positive. And keeping in mind that ACTIONS speak louder than words, I want to start focusing on the ACTIONS, the positives. To keep focusing on the negatives is getting me nowhere, I’m spinning my wheels.
The things I don’t like, the negatives of my H’s actions are the things that drive me crazy AND are the very things that keep those wheels spinning. The things which I have absolutely no control over, and I mean not one iota of control over, are the things that keep me stuck. And it seems like my old behaviors come into play when I start putting myself in H’s journey. The martyr, the poor me, the I’m sorry H that I can’t be who you want me to be on any certain day of the week for you. I’m stronger than I used to be, but it’s still too easy to go there and I need to be stronger. I have to stay off H’s rollercoaster, out of his journey. Let the Lord deal with H.
I DO have control over my thoughts, my words and my actions. I know what I think, my thoughts make so much sense, my actions do speak love so the WORDS need to change. I am going to let go of the fear, I’m going to feel the fear and do it anyways and change my dance, my cycle and the WORDS.
To be very honest words are my biggest obstacle. I tend to think of the perfect response, the words after I’ve said the wrong words or not said anything at all, when the lights are all turned out and everyone's left. So how do I get the words out of my mouth when they are needed the most? My mind goes blank and I’m struck dumb.
When I’m with my friends, my sister people who I am comfortable being "me" with well then words just flow. I have the thoughts and the words and they make sense.
Goals:
1. Find something positive to see in my H each day (well at least those days that I see him)
2. Work on my ways of interacting with H. Block the assaults, not catch the footballs, refuse to be sucked into his drama PERIOD.
3. Work on expressing myself to my H with WORDS. To relax and feel comfortable enough to make those WORDS that make so much sense in my head, come out of my mouth in away that they make sense to my H.
There they are, three goals. I need to break them down into smaller steps. Or if anyone cares to jump in it would be appreciated.
I'm leaving here now to go home and get ready for ou mini-trip tonight and tomorrow.
