If you have realized that you are 50% of the problem, have you eliminated your problematic behaviors now? If you have, have you allowed enough time for your W to realize it is a permanent change? This is something my W is struggling with. I keep having to combat things from the past with her. She is not ready to realize that I have changed and that its time to move forward. It is difficult.
The sex and milk shake thing is rediculous. She is using sex as a weapon. It sounds like she does not value sex like you do. She probably sees sex as a "thing" and not a "connection." I salute your reserve for not taking up the milk shake routine.
Have you tried to walk in your W's shoes and see things from her perspective? I try to do this, but just can't seem to get a clear picture. This is because something in me must resolve conflict. I cannot live with on going conflict. Therefore, if I was turned off from sex with my spouse because they did things I did not like or made me uncomfortable, but I knew sex was one of their most important emotional needs, I would feel miserable not participating. I would also be concerned about them remaining faithful. I wonder if this is part of my old mistrust issues creeping back in? Or is it right to feel this way and realize that a marital commitment is between two people for eachother and NOT the individualistic benefit for one at the expense of the other. However, I think my W's problem is that she does not worry about me going elsewhere because she completely trusts me and knows I won't. I am starting to interpret this as being taken for granted.
