Quote: How would it work if you opened with, "I need to tell you something. I'm not looking for a response from you. I just need you to hear me, think about it, and respond later."
I've tried that. No dice. The problem is that she never responds later. I've given her a week before bringing it up again. No answer, but I still didn't press her; I let it go for another week. Still nothing. Third week, still nothing. I gave up.
Oh Oh! I have been there! and I found a solution! I would let him know that I wanted to have my say, would answer questions if he had any, but did not expect him to respond at the end... that I wanted him to think about it, and get back to me. But.. I added, so that I don't fret and worry about when you'll get back to me, or whether you've forgotten, I'd like you to tell me now, when I can expect to hear back from you on this. It's important to me, so I'd like you to get back to me before the end of the week/weekend/whatever. But if you'll let me know now, the outside timeframe, then I won't worry or ask you about it inbetween.
Then I'd let him set a day... then usually had to ask about a time. (ie, if he said Saturday, I'd say, okay, I'll be doing x during the day, you'll be doing y during the day, so how about before dinner?)
It seemed to work, at least for us.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
I want us to be closer. And I want us to have a more active sex life
DANGER Will Robinson,
Just like asking your W to change something, using "us" in your request will be a big mistake (i've been there and done that).
Here's how it will (probably) play to an unenthusiastic partner....
L: I want us to be closer. And I want us to have a more active sex life W: I don't
End of convo.
L: I want to feel closer. I feel that more sex will make me feel closer to you W: I still don't want sex. L: You mean you don't want me to feel closer to you? Why?
sizzle...sizzle...it's crucible time.
Don't ever use "us" or "you". Remember, your relationship is not a 3rd entity. You are an individual and so is she. This took me a long time to realize even though it's been said to me in PM numerous times.
Today, while driving around I actually thought about this thread and had realization about this "relationship is not a 3rd entity" thing. It's a big trap that we all play into and shouldn't. I'm now working on the thought processes I need to adopt in order to change my behavior towards W in the correct way. Why? Your perception of the relationship is exactly that..."a perception". Your (and my) W has her "perception" of the R. It's pretty rare to have them be identical. That's why you hear so many people say "my wife thinks things are great while I'm miserable". Oddly, when you stop talking to the R, you might realize that it's *you* struggling with your feelings towards her and that the emotional connection you get from her helps you feel love for her.
I'll meditate on this more and share some ideas later. I'm glad you posted your convo. There are a few too many people on this board who just whine away valuable time that could be otherwise used to have the relationship they have always wanted...either with their W or with someone else.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Lee, Listen to AtlDave. He is absolutely right when he says always talk in terms of what you want etc. It seems to work wheras asking W to change seems never to work. AtlDave (and I) have been there and done that and come out the other side.
Quote AD "Your perception of the relationship is exactly that..."a perception". Your (and my) W has her "perception" of the R. It's pretty rare to have them be identical."
I'm interested by the idea that the R is so completely different from each partner's perspective because I had not thought about it before. In my case from LDW's point of view her R is near perfect. She has a nice house, nice car, well behaved children, friendly hubby, enough money, sex on tap (if she wanted it). The only slight problem is H placing demands but he can be pushed away so no problem. From the HDH point of view - well you all know what it's like.
How very interesting... we are married to each other but we are in completely different relationships. SD
Quote: How very interesting... we are married to each other but we are in completely different relationships.
That's what fusion and lack of intimacy will get you. Recall in one part of PM, when it was discovered that one partner's perception of whether a particular encounter had been intimate could be affected by the other's perception, even after the fact! I.e. he was able (because of fusion) to "ruin" her memory of an event retroactively. Perception is everything, unless, of course, the two are "in synch", and connected, and sharing intimately...
I did not get a chance to talk with the W this weekend because it was so busy with family and the 4th. On saturday we had a family dinner planned with my W family. My W decided to sleep through it instead of going to it. So D and I went to the dinner it was really fun. W family is starting to get annoyed becuase she has been blowing them off every time they do these kind of dinners to sleep. They were very happy that I did come.
On sunday we pretty much just hung out. Went swimming and then went and saw spider man 2 very fun day. That night in the middle of the night I must have iniated and my W was receptive and enjoyed it VERY much. Sunday morning I asked her about it and she said that if you rub it enough then of course she will enjoy it. Im just wonder WTF then. Why is she so stand off-ish when I try to iniate when she is awake. I don't get it.
Monday she got up early after sleeping for 12 hrs. So she was up at like 11 am. By 1 pm she had decided to go take another nap. So D and I went and played at a play ground then took a long walk and pretty much just hung out all day. At 6:30 pm daughter decides she want to talk to W so I told her to go for it. After about 10 mins up there W comes down stairs and angryly<sp>. Askes why I can't keep D down here so that she can sleep some more. I told her that I had dont that for the last 5 hrs. She stormed upstairs and decided to get on the Computer.
Not always. She has a thyroid issue but the DR says that it is ok she is on meds for that. I really think that it has a lot to do with depression. I think when things start to get hard or heavy she decides to stick her head in the sand and go to sleep becuase while she is asleep she doesn't have to deal with anything only blissful sleep.
I'm sure I don't need to tell you that excessive sleeping is a sign of depression. Does your W always sleep that much?
I know that I work a lot and sometimes spend nearly the whole weekend in bed, but that's not a regular thing. It's maybe a couple of times a year, usually after one of our disaster recovery tests when I've slept maybe two or three hours over a two day period. Once in a while is OK, regularly sleeping that much may indicate a problem.
A sign of depression is exactly what I thought when you stated how much she sleeps. I'm sure you've brought this up to her before...what does she state her reason is for sleeping so much?
her reasoning for sleeping some much is that she is tired. That she doesn't get much sleep and she needs it. So there is not much argueing on that point. She has also stated that she is not depressed.
