I finally had a talk with the wife

[NotATLDave]

Don't talk top the LD like it's only their problem. Act like you want to team on this project.

Actually, that's a very wrong approach and will lead to an extreme amount confusion and pain. This was how I first approached my W and things got worse. It wasn't until I told her she was "off the hook" and didn't have to work on anything but that *I* wanted to ML twice a week and that she should initiate blah blah blah. The emphasis is on de-coupling yourself from her problem...not trying to help her solve it. ALWAYS SPEAK IN TERMS OF WHAT YOU WANT...NOT WHAT YOU WANT HER TO DO OR BE. This will make your life so much easier because it requires no toil or deep thinking. It's easier said than done and I find myself backsliding occasionally where I want to see her working on herself to fuel some hope. Heck, I made this mistake again last week and it's really easy to do when you are feeling overly anxious.

Lee,
Here's the dynamics of the convo.....

L: I want you change something
W: I don't want to change...YOU change
Convo is basically over.

Here's how it would go when speaking from "your wants" and how it allows you to dig deeper...

L: I want something that only you can give me
W: I don't want to give it
L: Why?
W: (needs to think)

It sets up a much better dialog when you speak from "your wants" because she can't argue with it. Sure, she could say something bitchy like "I don't care" but at least you will (still) have some material to work with. Hang onto yourself, and ask "why don't you care?"...and so on. Don't be afraid to put them on the spot.

What you are going to see is that the sex issue is a catalyst for discovering some real problems in the R. It's never as simple as saying "she's broken".

Her response that you should find sex elsewhere was interesting. I bet she just wanted to shut the convo down but it gives you an opportunity to explore it. Maybe you should ask "what did you mean when you told me I should find sex outside the marriage?" The next question should be... "Would you want to stay married if I did?" If she says "no", then you can string the 2 thoughts together and she's really saying that she doesn't want to be married to you. This would actually be progress in your case because it would lead to more interesting convos. If she says "yes", then you have an opportunity to put her into a crucible regarding a (traditionally) major violation of her own integrity and probably indicates that she has no self-respect. It's not up to you to fix her self-respect issues but you can present more "wants" in a way that will force her to confront herself. I'm just not smart enough to know what that would be or else I would be doing it too.

Just my 2 cents. I wish I could write like Corri.