Hi yaz, deb, randy, karen, pam, bnb, maya, betsey and nitaf - your feedback and support as always means so much to me.
Well, NG initiated an R conversation this afternoon, wanting to know if I had definitely made up my mind about moving on. My response was that I was looking for constructive discussions with him so we both understand what got us to this point. That I was changing my personal emphasis from 'what will it take to save this relationship' to 'what is good for slowly'. He looked stunned, and somewhat fearful.
I asked that if we do conclude that we need to separate, I would rather we did it on amicable terms, and his immediate response was that he did not even want to think about separating. I am begining to see his fear more clearly, but really feel I need to shock him out of his emotional paralysis.
He has now committed to initiating R talks, and being more open and transparent. He shared some of why he feels compelled to continue conversations with OW, but that late last week he had started talking to OW about winding things up. Seems like he is still stuck on getting her 'permission' to end things
So my friends, we have some more distance to cover before we know if this journey is over. I'm not afraid of the hard work, but I get the impression NG is floundering.
Yes, he will need shoring up, but then am I not making it easy for him to continue down the path of destructive self indulgence? Looking back, I think one of the problems is that I did not recognise his need to be exposed to my pain.
Without over-doing it, I need to keep my hurt fresh in his mind, so that the motivation to NOT be hurtful stays high. He **says** he thought I was handling things OK. Wonder what he thought all those months of tears were about?
Maya and Betsey - Your conversation over at Maya's place has shaken me out of my paralysis - just so much that has happened this week with NG, mostly him taking my concerns about our future viability together seriously. He is opening up, but I now find that because of the lying, my confidence in what he is saying is not quite there.
NG too is an ardent conflict avoider too, and much of his fear in discussing R issues with me comes down to being afraid of being challenged, something OW I gather never did, and I guess, therefore, some of her attraction.
Quote: My boss has a saying that really applies here: It's not WHO you are--it's HOW you are WHO you are.
This really hit home. I know I've let go of the crazymaking thing, well, mostly I've let go. But there are other areas that clearly need work, NG is still not comfortable sharing his feelings
I know that dilemma well. And only you will be able to determine whether or not what he can give you is enough for you in the long run.
I hope he sees the benefit of opening up to you. It creates intimacy and fosters better communication and understanding between spouses. I wish I understood why more people are unwilling to let their defenses down to do this? Hey, I know I'm guilty of erecting walls, but nothing would help me knock them down more than a healthy dose of honesty.
I just posted up at Maya's place too. There's a reason we're all here...
Big hugs and have a great weekend. My parents are heading your way later today...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thank you for so much support and insight on my thread. I greatly appreciate you. I cannot answer for our H's. I cannot even seem to pose the right questions anymore. But I do believe in living my intentions as clearly as I can.
Somehow I think that the intentions we have are the very root of all communication. I believe that despite the words we say, the underlying feelings and intentions are present in the results we get. Somehow, we may say the right thing but convey less in our unspoken subtle finer communcations.
I cannot WILL this to change. I cannot even identify the ways in which my intentions are not supporting my "stated" outcome. For now, I am looking for ways to clean up the ambiguous messages I seem to be giving.
I believe that I am ambivalent about my db efforts. I think I need to actually believe and SEE the COMPLETE possibility of a fully realized relationship actually being possible. If I see less than... or believe less than that...well...then I suppose, that is what I will communicate.. whether I mean to or not.
Make sense?
Not easy. I will be gone this weekend...but checking in as soon as I get back. For now, I thin that you are really facing this issue of your own path and sorting out your own ambiguities.
I believe it IS possible to place your true hopes and desires in a full reconciliation in your situation, Slowly. I believe it can be done without your feeling like a chump. Take your time. Decide what YOU feel YOU now want in your life. And make it clear to yourself. (that ought to be SOOOOOOOO easy, don't ya think? LOL)
Betsey, maya and everyone else - I continue to marvel at how easy it is to relate to you, people I have never met. And indeed, to draw strength from your musings.
It was an OK weekend, lots of chores around the house got completed. No R talks, but of course, today being Monday, no doubt it will bring its usual fare of dramas. I'm keeping my head down.
I did pose to NG a few days ago if he thought he had the mental strength and emotional stamina to work through the healing that we will need. Especially if he is finding it so difficult to do what in his words is the right thing; to end contact with OW. He is still pondering on my question. Frankly it was a bare faced challenge.
In the meantime, an ex-classmate, who has the same birthday as me, wants to organise a HUGE shared 40th birthday bash, and I'm going for it. Whether or not NG is part of my life still, I figured a celebration is appropriate, I certainly feel like I've earned my stripes
Slowly 
Wonder what he thought all those months of tears were about?
