Quote: there seems to be two aspects-- physical pleasure and emotional intimacy.
You hit the nail on the head with that!
Quote: I have to feel "safe" and feel mutual affection.
I truly believe this is what I was lacking in both of my first marriages...although I might have to add respect in with the mutual affection. I didn't have that...so I didn't feel "safe".
Gelass, thanks for adding this, I can't believe I left it out. I can't like someone I don't respect. Trust and respect go hand in hand for me, when it comes to men. For me, the trust probably has to do with whether I can expose my tender parts, like my heart.. without unacceptable risk. But respect tells whether I even want them around. In my younger days, if I did not respect a man, I might toy with them for a while anyway... but they were not gonna be around for very long at all. Once I did the post mortem on my marriage, I realize that once I lost my trust and respect for my wasband, it was over. I should have left, because it was over and could never be salvaged, ever. Maybe I was right or noble to try to stay and hope it could be better, but it wasn't smart.
Quote: I'm not totally into it going in... I can get there if someone takes there time.
This is very important to remember...I know there are many of you out there like myself who are sick to death of having to initiate...the fact is though we're going to have to suck it up and "just do it"..are you sick of me saying that yet?
Lots of very high paid sex therapists subscribe to this too. Basically they say, "you're not in the mood? do it anyway. Once you get started, you'll get in the mood". Steve Harley said "just do it".
It does occur to me that maybe when working with a LD, you should focus first on the emotional intimacy part-- I know there is a minimal threshold for me personally, and it's sort of a classic thought that women are like that. A HD woman could have issues with you, and be willing to F (but it won't be really you in her mind, it's just physical) A LD woman probably won't do that-- she needs to take care of that emotional part first to even consider the physical.
I could be way off base here, but figure this is worth mentioning. HDs can be so pro-sex that sometimes it seems like they don't even care who they have sex with.... and most women want it to be personal, about them, not just their parts. Most of you guys truly love your wives, so this is not a problem-- you are taking the time and effort to work on getting your sex lives with your wives better, rather than going elsewhere.
So make sure she knows that you don't just want an orifice, you want her. You're also not just talking about sex/physical release, you want to make love with the woman you married. (This is not instead of doing her/being done or just plain F'ing..... forever. It's where to start, to get her where she needs to be.)
I think it would be worth trying to personalize your desire. And personalize what you like, want. Instead of "I'm so horny"... "I want you so much". If there are real ways you can tell her that it's HER you want, make things specific rather than generic, it can go a long way. The idea of someone wanting you specifically rather than as a set of interchangeable female parts is pretty powerful.
The other thing I remembered I wanted to mention was the idea of confidence for the LD partner. That can be dealt with, and its not that hard. They need some feedback on what they are doing really well, but they also need to learn other ways. It's astonishing how much you can learn about sensual pleasures from reading, or from other people. At some point, I realized that you'd only be as good a lover as your best lover... and that if you were always with the same person, after a while there would not be anything new or exciting. Since I was married and not cheating, I had to figure something out. Turns out there are some really good resources out there, along with some really dumb ones.
In my case it was easy, as I was motivated. If you have a LDW, you might have to be the role model first. You might have to let her know you want to become expert in giving her pleasure... but need her help, feedback. Make a game of it, and don't start out with high stakes stuff, make it non-threatening and easy, short sessions so she doesn't have time to get self-conscious. A few sessions later, bet she'd turn the tables on you.
Anyway I have to get going. Y'all have a good one.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
