Since Elle is recommending reading my posts in order to learn how to implement the Corri principles, I am going to post some recent insights on this thread. I have been so successful, I feel compelled to come back here and give advice, even if that means saying the same thing Corri said in her post, but in a different way that might make it click for someone.
Another way to consider your situation, if you are the HD spouse is to realize that your spouse might be more complex than you want to recognize. People often don't want to f**k the same kind of person they want to marry. This is why many of us feel like we are getting mixed messages from our LD spouses. There is a certain truth to the old cliches about "the madonna and the whore" or the woman whose husband gives her everything she might ask for but she finds herself f**king the a**hole tennis pro.
In my situation, it turns out that my H's sexual ideal is a bold, slutty b*tch. Imagine Joan Collins starring in XXX porn and you've got his number. I can easily do slutty and with a few drinks I can even be bold, but being b*tchy is a real stretch for me. By differentiating and putting my marriage on the line, I automatically reaped all the usual benefits of differentiation in that it forces your spouse to face up to the problem and opens up dialogue. I also reaped the benefit of becoming more sexually attractive to my spouse because taking a stand like that made me seem more bold and b*tchy and that is what turns him on.
My H's ideal wife is absolutely not his ideal f**k. He loves me for the nice woman that I am. This is what confused me and maybe what is confusing some of you. Now that we are talking more freely about sex, my H was even able to acknowledge the difficulty of what he was asking of me. He laughed and said "I guess I need you to be a little schizophrenic." I've decided I just have to view acting bold and b*tchy as a sort of foreplay that my H prefers and I need to work on doing if I want to be successful at initiation or seduction. He's really been trying to tell me this in a lot of ways over the years, but I just didn't get it.
Consider any mixed messages you may be receiving from your LD spouses in this light and it might be helpful.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
