Regarding the expectations you place upon your spouses to change, ie., give you MORE sex:
Quote:
The fact that you do not respect yourself enough to change gives your wife nothing to respect. Yet you demand that she do so.
Your (spouse) was not put on this earth to provide you with sex, even in marriage. That is his/her choice. It is your choice to either accept that or not. Notice I am not at any point proclaiming you have to LIKE your choices.
What I hear (you saying) is that you want to control your (spouses) so you can feel desirable. Feeling desirable comes from the inside, not through an act of comfirmation from your spouse.
Where you say that connection between you and your spouses doesn't exist is actually a falsehood. Truly, you have such a bonded connection, such a fused sense of identity, you cannot allow your spouse freedom to be and act as they are, nor can you find comfort in who you are.
Every action you take is a manuever on your part to get your spouse to change. The fact that they resist change is an act on their part to remain a seperate being or entity. You take an action to get your spouse to act a certain way so you can feel good about yourself. They resist any action at all so they can continue to feel good about their own self.
Under this type of scenario, you reach gridlock, solid, fast and true. It is a natural occurence of a relationship, a plateau if you will, that is an indication that change must take place in order to foster continued growth.
From your own efforts, you understand well that no matter what outward manuever you attempt with your spouse, they hold firm in who they say they are, and what they say they will or will not do.
Neither one of you, to any strong or lasting degree, has even attempted to change your personal or internal attitudes about yourselves.
Who the hell wants to do that? That's hard. It's uncomfortable, it's scary, there are no guarenteed outcomes, we must confront those less than perfect aspects of ourselves, and put forth a continued effort of new ways of being and acting. Yes, it would just be so much simplier if our spouses saw it OUR way, conformed to our wants and needs, and let us stay within our comfort zones. We aren't asking for much, after all... right?
All I can tell you is, if you want to stay within your comfort zone, there isn't going to be much change. You have how many years of marriage behind you now to prove that? It is your choice to change. No one is forcing you.
You keep asking... but, how, how, how do I do that? You shut up, read the PM book and see YOURSELF in its passages, not your spouse, and follow the directions.
There are no promises, no guarantees. If you don't want to at least try, fine. Crack the book and get busy. It's time to grow up and take your own life by the horns.
Corri
For additional input and support of this premise, see the Mojo files.
