Quote: I'm hopeful that HP, Annette, SC, Johanna and others will join in with their experiences and outlook on sex.
Hey Mike, good to see you again. I haven't been in this neighborhood lately. I'm not sure I ever went from LD to HD. I suspect I'm a born and bred horn dog <smile>
I started late sexually, due to overwhelming fear of getting pregnant. (well, actual sex/penetration... I was not totally unexperienced.) But I was not LD, just avoiding risk of pregnancy.
Even when I went through bad times with my then-husband, I did not become LD. I might not have particularly wanted him, but I wanted sex. Kinda like you still want to get the oil changed in a vehicle you aren't crazy about? Wow, that sounds bad! Only towards the end of our R did that wear off-- to the point that I almost left in the middle of sex the last time. For me, there seems to be two aspects-- physical pleasure and emotional intimacy. Both have to get to a minimal threshhold for things to work. If one is missing, it's not going to go as well as it should.
First the emotional piece. I don't have to be totally over the top in love and married to the man, but I have to have good and warm feelings towards him. I have to feel "safe" and feel mutual affection. I have never had sex with anyone I did not genuinely care for-- thought I have had some "no strings" sex. If I don't care/like him, even just for the moment, I won't let the physical pleasure work. I block it or avoid it, it seems like too big a risk to let myself go unless there is a level of trust. Best example-- no way will I recieve oral from someone unless I feel really comfortable with them. It's too good, too intensely personal to be that vulnerable with someone who's not "right". And this can be situational for me. I can have moments when someone I care very deeply for, is just in the dog house. So no go. The flip side is that make up sex is incredible for me.
With the emotional threshhold in place, then the physical pleasure goes a long long way.
If the emotional connection is there, simple contact-- like watching a movie with his arm around me, can lead to wanting more. Spontaneous touches, just casual contact then makes me open to/want more. It's probably a brain or heart thing, more than straightforward lust at first.
Really good kissing is a wonderful place to start. And worth doing as a stand alone, not just as a start, BTW. For me, if I'm not totally into it going in... I can get there if someone takes there time. I like plenty of attention to breasts, love kisses on my neck. (this is where the heart/head thing started moving lower, at least for me.) Even though I'm pretty easily aroused, I'd rather have more attention between my legs before penetration most of the time.
And if something I'm doing is "just right" I damned sure want to know... dead silence is unnerving to me. If I'm trying to give pleasure, and I'm succeeding, I want to know. If I'm not, then I want some help doing better.
Not that I'd ever, ever, ever tell my lover any of this without prompting. The first time I was with someone who wanted to accelerate a learning curve on how to please me, he probably thought it was like pulling teeth. I was SO not ready to say in words what I wanted it wasn't even funny. It took a while to get me even partially there, able to communicate what I needed or wanted. Which reminds me, sometimes you just gotta take your time. The worst thing is when you feel like he's rushing through XY and Z but really he's just ready. Slow down, get process fixated instead of results fixated. The first time someone arranged pillows and made it clear he was planning to spend quite a bit of time with his head between my legs-- then did so, it was incredible and quite a breakthrough. It took all the pressure off me, and I could enjoy myself more than ever before. Men can put a lot of pressure on W to have orgasms, and pressure almost always ensures it won't happen.
I would have to speculate that even a LD person, who had a long leisurely sesson of mind blowing pleasure-- focusing on pleasure, sharing, sensations without any pressure to "perform" and have orgasms.... would have to be really open to a repeat. I almost suspect that LD women are not really having orgasms... either faking it, or maybe they think those little tingles are all they are? Just a thought, who knows?
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
