Yes...unfortunately she is going to have to decide to make changes...you won't be able to do it for her. You however can help her to discover the problem (I had a very good idea what my LDH's problem was, and it ended up my hunch was correct)...then be supportive and encouraging if she chooses to attempt change. One of the truly difficult things for me was finding the approach with my LDH that worked. Believe me I know how difficult doing that can be as well. I know what it feels like to want your spouse so badly it hurts and you get absolutely nothing in return...but yet you lie next to him/her every night aching to be touched, or to touch them without being rebuffed or feeling that they've given in under duress.
It's not uncommon though IMO that the LD watches the clock...in hopes that things will just get over with. It's horrible too...because you're absolutely correct...it's just the same as mercy sex to me as well. I've battled with that issue in my current R. I'm always the one having to initiate now...and it frustrates me to no end. Now I have to deal with feelings of resentment every time we do have sex...because once again...I had to initiate it, he didn't. And I do agree with you to some point on the "Just do It" approach...I know it may feel like mercy sex...it may even be mercy sex. But in order to get past the lack of desire...your W will have to "just do it" to help her get past the body image/self-conciousness/awkwardness/feelings of stupidity...whatever it is. Can you think of any other situation in your life...where you wanted to change something, about yourself in particular...where you didn't decide to take action and "just do it"?
Unfortunately I've been on both sides of this fence...neither is pleasant...in fact both sides are downright painful...and each side has a very difficult time understanding how the other can possibly be making such a big deal out of this.
