Ok, you say you started out at 365 days a year...my first thought when I read that was...what happened to stop that? She must have enjoyed it to participate so frequently at that time. It makes me think there were underlying reasons...birth of a child, death in the family, did you start working more/less...did she etc. I find it hard to believe that if she was willing to ML with you at the beginning of your marriage every day that she's ND...it may be hidden, but I don't think she's ND. She may even be telling you she doesn't want it/think about it...you know what? My LDH said the same thing to me...come to find out he did want it/did think about it...just never communicated it to me...he had other things on his mind that kept getting in the way...to the point where he got to see ML as an inconvenience. I used to tell my ex the same thing as well...yes, I used to be LD too.
My next comment is this to you....from your posting I get the impression (and I could be way off here, no tonal inflection in the postings ya know)...that you aren't willing to accept anything less than a certain amount (lets say 180 times a year)....for someone who's LD/ND that's a daunting request. The fact is...if you want your LD/ND spouse to increase her desire....you may find you have to suck it up and accept a very low frequency at the beginning (as long as the frequency begins to increase). I know that's difficult...but if you really are dealing with someone who is LD...high expectations like that may be unrealistic at first.
I've been in her shoes...this is the only reason I can be so blunt with you. I have been married to a very abusive person (and please don't take my examples as meaning you are anything like this, or that your situation compares) and to an alcoholic...now I'm married to a wonderful man...who is having some LD difficulties. Anyway...as a result of the first two marriages I had no self-esteem and a horrible body image. If you'd have looked at me you'd have thought I was nuts! I was a knockout (still am :-) ) To everyone else (other than my spouse) I was a very self-confident woman as well...no one and I mean NO ONE would ever have guessed that my self esteem was actually at rock bottom. I hated sex then...I had issues with both spouses and both belittled me in certain ways. So for me sex was awful, it was a duty, and I HATED it!!! I figured if this is what it's like...I want nothing to do with it...ever! At that point I could easily have lived celebate.
What changed that for me? One day I was talking with a friend of mine...girl talk. She was telling me how great sex was with her new guy...like it was the most equisite thing she'd ever come across. It got me to thinking...what am I missing out on? It's never been that way for me...am I just frigid? Up until that point I had been doing things to increase my self esteem...living alone, becoming comfortable with who I am as a person, taking classes for myself in things I was interested in...in general just taking time to grow/mature as a person I guess. Eventually I came across a man (who I dated for quite some time) who was very generous sexually, he showed me (he didn't just tell me) that I was a drop-dead knockout in his eyes and took his time with me sexually speaking. My experiences up until then had been one of a man just trying to satisfy himself with me...not make love to me, if there was an attempt to do anything for me...it was in the form of very brief foreplay. Anyway...this man got me to the point where I could just relax and not be so self concious, I didn't feel stupid in bed or awkward (which I now realize is terribly important)...then WHO HOOO!!! Things became so much better and I actually found myself thinking about ML with him and looking forward to it...and yes, even initiating it, setting up romantic interludes etc.
My point being I guess is this...for me to become HD from being very LD it was a personal decision to become that way. I had to decide that I wanted to change, and wanted to really find out what great sex was and give it a chance. Which (for me) meant giving up my silly expectations of what it should be like...obviously my experience up until that point had warped my perception of what sex should be like. That meant I had to change my way of thinking and acting...and that's not an easy thing to do...but far from impossible if you want to do it.
Now if your LD/ND spouse is simply not willing to make the changes that she would need to make...most importantly just ML with you then unfortunately that's another issue (in my eyes). But my best advice to you...and you may have already tried this is really take your time with her in bed...don't get down to brass tacks quickly....and when you are ML if you have the personal control (and I know it's tough after a long time) stop and do something to please her in the middle of it...that may take her off guard too :-) But really take the time to ML to her, not just have sex with her. As a woman that had the most affect on me.
Just know it can be done...if she wants to do it, and you are patient enough to let her go through the process she needs to go through. Expecting her to ML once a week may not be realistic (we're all individual)...it may have to be once every two or three weeks...but you may find it increase if you both take on the "Just Do It" attitude...coupled with patience.
Best of luck :-)
Anita - Hopeful her experience as an LD will enable her to help her LDH.
