Even though you and I are both in a rotten season of our life right now, I am so thankful to see someone that is going through almost the exact same thing and has the exact same feelings that I am having. It helps to validate that I am normal and my fears are normal in this situation.
My H's OW is still his business manager. They have not seen each other since Monday April 5, 2004 when my H broke up with her. They had an EA/PA. However, she is supposed to be in contact with him in regards to the business ONLY. Recently she has started to break the boundaries that were established upon H's and my reconciliation by sending my H innocuous email forwards. Harmless? Probably. At least I want to hope so, but still, she has crossed boundaries, in my opinion.
After the latest one she sent last week, H and I had a discussion. While the discussion would be considered a backslide on my part, my eyes were opened to several things. One, my H still is defending his actions regarding his affair and continues to blame me for it. I, unfortunately, did not validate his feelings about this during our discussion and he became enraged. Not pretty. Two, my H did allow me to see that I was still spending WAY TOO MUCH time obsessing about him and OW still, and I agreed.
My H has done much to make himself accountable to me during our reconciliation and I was over looking that. I have access to his work email to check at my leisure. I have full control of the bank accounts, credit cards, and other bills including his cell phone so that I can question all spending by him. During our discussion he repeatedly asked me what else he could do to prove he wanted to be here with me. I was unable to answer him. (However if anyone can think of anything, I'd like to know!:) )
You and I both have our H's at home, but we both still have these darned OW in our lives. I am thankful that I can commiserate with you because obsessing on my own and making my H continue to feel guilty was not healthy for me or him.
I have read Shirley Glass's book. And I and my counselor agree that ALL communication should cease between the offending parties. Many other authors support this idea also. My H allowed his OW to remain as his business manager because he is afraid of her. She is a vindictive, vengeful woman, or so he says. He told me that she hates me with such a passion due to the lies and general crap her told her during their affair that if she knew he broke up with her to reconcile with me, she would retaliate in an ugly way. He told her he was breaking up with her because he felt it would never work between the two of them anyway whether I was back in the picture or not. She accepted that reasoning for about a month, then got word that he and I were back together. One of her friends called my H to give him a heads up that OW was headed to town to see him, me and our counselor and that she was crazy with hurt and anger. So he got online with her and they had a flame war over IM. She threatened him pretty heavily that she would ruin him financially, ruin him at work, smear his name in our town, and a whole host of other things. He told me during our discussion that all this will come about if she is incited for any reason, and if she wants to send him friendly little email forwards, he is going to let her if it keeps her happy and off our backs. UGH!
So, I can identify with you completely and totally. Just know that you are not alone in this mess. I am right there with you sister.
God Bless, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
