Thanks for the post guys... My situation is proof that even once H comes homes things are not easier. In fact, I think some things are more difficult. Now that we are together and I am not focused on getting him to rethink our M and life together, I spend more time obsessing over OW and his R with her. I have to stop doing it I know but it is so hard. He continues to work with her which makes it very difficult. Not much we can do about it at this point. He wants to find another job on one hand and on the other he has come so far in his career he hates to give it up. I cant blame him for that. I have no idea what goes on with him and OW at work as far as converstaions, emails etc. I dont think I ever will because H will never talk about it unless the situation was to becomes a problem for him that he cant hide. This weekend was a turbulent one for us. H caught me checking his phone. I know bad bad bad. I know he is not seeing her outside of the office but I do think he continues to talk with her sometimes. No proof just a gut reaction. She cant be calling too much because his phone never rings when he is with me and he is around all the time. I need to stop checking and keep remembering that he is home with me. Anyway H got really upset when he caught me and said he cant beleive how much I dont trust him. Well that lead to a heated argument and not talking all day Sunday. Sunday night I lost it and accused him of not having patience with me and went down the whole road of how I waited 8 months for you while you were out screwing around and I stuck by him and he cant even stick by me for a few weeks etc etc. Ugly scene. Monday morning he emailed me and said I was wrong. I sent him a letter that was a nicer tone and flat out told him I dont trust him and why should I when for months he lied and lied to me. FYI- during the 8 months he moved out and was involved with OW he kept telling me he wanted to work on marriage but wasnt ready to come home.
Anyway the email correspondence continued for the better part of the day and he thinks my reassurance is that he is home and that is where he wants to be and thats all the reassurance I need. Although he didnt say it yesterday he really beleives as long as he is home and committed to the M then phone calls either to or from OW are ok. We will never agree on this . Finally last night he said something to me that I hate to admit makes sense. He said "You keep telling me that it has only been 2 months that I have been home and I need to give you more time to establish trust in me, well remember its only been 2 months for me too". Now I interpret that as its only been 2 months for him to get over feelings for OW. Would you interpet it that way? Hard to swallow but I think thats it. So I need to back off some I quess. Sometimes I wish he just went out and had only PA. The problem here is that this relationship was mainly an emotional affair. I know because the last three months of H living apart he was with me the majority of nights and weekend. So any pyshical contact was limited. In fact towards the end H was looking to have one of our boys stay with him at apartment almost every night. H was alway volunteering to pick S up from work at 10 or 11 PM. So thinking back he was trying to break from PA with OW.
Sorry for the long post but its been a lousy couple of days.
Last night H came home late and we were somewhat back on track. I m not sure we settled anything and not sure there is anything to settle. I think H knows I need more reassurance and now I need to back off on checking phone and obsessing about phone calls with OW. If affair was to start back up again I would know dont you think? H came to bed and hugged me and said " I really do love you". In the middle of the night we ML.
This morning I got up and went about my business. I was not cold or distant but more matter of factly. This works better for H when he thinks I might be having second thoughts about M. I am going to try and live as if things are going to be ok. I did ask H to start reading the book by Shirly Glass- Not just friends in particular the chapter about healing together. I told him it was good reading not only for him to understand what I am going through but also what he is going through. I did validate that his feelings are real and matter as well. So guys keep plugging away. they dont get over OW very quickly especially if its more emotional than pyshical. My situation is going to take longer because they see each other everyday. I just need to keep reminding myself that he comes home to me every night and OW has no part of that.