Sorry I haven't checked in for a while. You're no fool. I think you're on the right track.
Not talking about the problem isn't necessarily a bad thing. Your H clearly wants to stay, he's just mucking things up trying to please everyone. It's good that he apologizes when he does, but don't pressure him too much.
I would keep encouraging the friendship you have, without a lot of problem discussion. Keep building the good will between the two of you by being upbeat and acting as if you're expecting things to work out beautifully. The OW is beneath you're notice, it's his problem to deal with as he's promised you. You take the high road and let her do the whining. It sounds as if H already finds you the more attractive person to be with - push that angle to the max.
H knows exactly how you feel about OW, that you love him, and that you want it to work out. Leave the heavy discussions for now and treat him like you did when you were first together. You're not giving in - you're doing exactly what you want to do - showing your H you want him and want to save your M. He will start to reciprocate.
You're absolutely right about no more checking on H and trying to control his actions. Even though it hurts, you just have to act as if you're happy no matter what you think he may be doing. Don't forget too, that a lot of our assumptions turn out to be wrong.
One thing I did when my H seemed to be down or conflicted was to leave the room, always in a very friendly manner. But it was too much for me to be in the same room when he was like that, and it wasn't good for our interaction.
Hang in there. You have a lot of positives going for you.
