H says hes so sorry for calling OW, knows it was wrong but wanted to find out about the company picnic. Company picnic was Saturday and I know it was really bothersome to H that he wasnt going. Earlier in our reconciliation it was a point of argument as I told him that unless I went with him I would have a problem if he went without me. He didnt want me to go because it is too soon since ending it with OW and it would be uncomfortable. I agree with that but there is no way he was going with out me. Anyway I know that his not being there was a problem for him so I am not surprised at all he called OW. Monday morning H emails me and says he is sorry for the pain he has caused me but as a result of our setback he realizes that any little hiccup I am never going to forgive him. He says I love you so much and I probably will regret this for the rest of my life but I think it is best I leave. I replied that I agree but went on to say I didnt think it was fair he thinks calling the OW is a hiccup. The bottom line is since he moved back home he has broken promises to me more than once about contacting OW and I dont know if he can keep any future promises. The only way I can know is to continue to check up on him and I am so tired of doing that. I went on to tell him that I love him but my heart is too broken. He emails me back saying he loves me so much he doesnt know if he can do this (leave) and he cant stop crying. He also said he agreed it wasnt a hiccup it was a mistake and he is sorry. My last email to him was that it is difficult for me too. How come we both love each other, want the same thing but cant get there. Why is this happening. After that we saw each other at home for lunch and last night was a quiet night. We slept in same bed together and he ML to me last night and I initiated this am. No more discussion on his leaving or no more R talk. Its like we have decided to continue to continue to try but havnt said it out loud. Quite frankly I am so sick of talking about it. The book I am reading "NOT JUST FRIENDS" which by the way is an excellant booking regarding Infidelity. Anyway this book says if you decide to make a go of the marriage you should give it at least 3 months before making any decisions. SO I am thinking that 3 months began when H came back home July 1st. I am going to stop checking his phone etc etc. unless I see some real evidence of infidelity. Now it appears its just phone calls as he has been with me all the time except for Work. I have zero control of what happens in his office. But the bottom line is he did move back home, he did go on a two week vacation and OW knows that. I just wish he could get her out of his system completely. I also wish I didnt feel like I am the one that always gives in. I do think he is truly sorry for what he did and I do beleive he loves me very much and wants to make it work. I dont beleive he can keep the promise of not contacting her outside of the office so I am not going to ask for that right now. How does that approach sound to anyone? Am I being a fool?
