Friends, Squatters & Lurkers--Fishbowl musings

[Underdog]

Ellie,

Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate the thought you put into replying to me.

I was merely relaying advice someone very important gave me. But the fact is, my decision has been made. And unless Jesus Christ himself appears to me and tells me that my path is wrong, I'm at peace with it.

Ellie, I'm a Catholic girl, through and through. I wrestle heavily with consequences for decisions and choices I make. This decision was very difficult for me and it took a great deal of personal soul searching to make it.

I listen to others and their opinions. But what ultimately matters is the fact that I have to live with the person who faces me in the mirror. That woman tells me that clinging to the past and hoping the man I married might change is no longer something that is healthy for me.

I've been at this for nearly 2 years, and no decision from him really IS a decision. I'm entitled to make some decisions for myself now.

I no longer want to devote any time to wondering what else I might have done to save this train wreck of a marriage. Everything I've done here, with all your help and the help of others, has been infinitely worthwhile. I have dignity and confidence in my ability to do things for the right reasons.

Unfortunately, my girls are suffering from the indecision that is pervasive in his world. Along with her medical maladies, D7 is really acting out. I'm fortunate enough to have a great behavioral psychologist who is working with me. And D10 is dealing with an incredible amount of anger and grief, resulting from wondering what is going to happen to her family, that I will not ignore.

Can you put yourself in my shoes for just a minute? If your sweet kids devoted all their time focusing on the source of their anxiety? I really think the fear of the unknown is far worse than the reality.

Right now, I'm just sad. Sad that he was unwilling to really come step up to the plate and swing the bat for us and our family and ultimately, for himself. He called the game at the top of the first inning and there is nothing left I can or want to do with this.

I just want to lick my wounds for awhile. I need to do this for myself so that my girls have a mother who is 100% present with them and able to help them steer through the issues that are following them too.

Betsey