Quote: Then she wants me to approach him with the following statement: "I've made an appointment to see the mediator next week. Is there any reason why I should not do that?" And then she wants me to shut up and listen to what he has to say. She figures any doubt on my part will be eliminated by the words he utters. If anything it will either solidify my decision to make this break once and for all or it will tear my resolve to pieces. I don't expect the latter.
I dunno, I don't think setting up pop "tests" for people to pass or fail is such a good idea. Better to simply be straightforward - "Look, I'm really ready to move one way or another. If you really want to try at reconciliation, and are willing to put some REAL effort into it, I'll consider it - and it would look like X, Y and Z. But if that's not the case, I plan to move on with my life and will be contacting a mediator next week."
And please - ask yourself very carefully - are you feeling like divorcing because you are positive he will never be man enough for you - or are you simply too scared of being vulnerable and risking getting hurt again if you try? Because if it's the latter, what have you really got to lose by giving him a little more time? It's not really possible to be hurt that much more than you already have been, and if it didn't work out then, you would have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything possible - right now, I fear you'll always wonder, "what if?".
Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate the thought you put into replying to me.
I was merely relaying advice someone very important gave me. But the fact is, my decision has been made. And unless Jesus Christ himself appears to me and tells me that my path is wrong, I'm at peace with it.
Ellie, I'm a Catholic girl, through and through. I wrestle heavily with consequences for decisions and choices I make. This decision was very difficult for me and it took a great deal of personal soul searching to make it.
I listen to others and their opinions. But what ultimately matters is the fact that I have to live with the person who faces me in the mirror. That woman tells me that clinging to the past and hoping the man I married might change is no longer something that is healthy for me.
I've been at this for nearly 2 years, and no decision from him really IS a decision. I'm entitled to make some decisions for myself now.
I no longer want to devote any time to wondering what else I might have done to save this train wreck of a marriage. Everything I've done here, with all your help and the help of others, has been infinitely worthwhile. I have dignity and confidence in my ability to do things for the right reasons.
Unfortunately, my girls are suffering from the indecision that is pervasive in his world. Along with her medical maladies, D7 is really acting out. I'm fortunate enough to have a great behavioral psychologist who is working with me. And D10 is dealing with an incredible amount of anger and grief, resulting from wondering what is going to happen to her family, that I will not ignore.
Can you put yourself in my shoes for just a minute? If your sweet kids devoted all their time focusing on the source of their anxiety? I really think the fear of the unknown is far worse than the reality.
Right now, I'm just sad. Sad that he was unwilling to really come step up to the plate and swing the bat for us and our family and ultimately, for himself. He called the game at the top of the first inning and there is nothing left I can or want to do with this.
I just want to lick my wounds for awhile. I need to do this for myself so that my girls have a mother who is 100% present with them and able to help them steer through the issues that are following them too.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My heart goes out to you all. That can't have been an easy decision, but I do understand the peace you are looking for in your life.
I still feel pain at the future of not having CHL and the sense of humor I adore in my life, but I also feel I have made a lot of progress since realizing that he isn't going to come back to the marriage and that it is time I made a future for myself and the shelties.
Take care and I love you GF
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Betsey - don't get me wrong, I wasn't in the least criticizing your decision - I've said it often before, I don't think I would have been able to stand nearly as long as many of you. I guess it's just the fact that you made this decision just as he seemed to be turning around - and I know for many of us that is the scariest time, when it looks like we just might get what we've been working towards, and I know that vulnerable scary feeling. That's when you get this really intense feeling that to "protect" yourself you need to shove that person away.
Of course, for some people, that's just the moment when they realize that they don't really want that "prize" that they've won
Betsey 