Friends, Squatters & Lurkers--Fishbowl musings

[Underdog]

Hey Maya!

I haven't really spoken with the girls yet as to any concrete steps that I will be taking... eventually. I really want to have that discussion with them after their dad and I have a chance to discuss this first. I really don't know what he will have to say, and I have reservations about the conversation. Maybe because I am so acutely aware of the consequences? Right now, I'm just giving myself permission to exist and not do anything or make any goals.

My surrogate mom and I had a very emotional and tearful conversation awhile ago. She's so wonderfully supportive and the love she feels for me makes me feel truly blessed. She advised me to give any action a little more time, due to the magnitude of events that are already on our plates.

Then she wants me to approach him with the following statement: "I've made an appointment to see the mediator next week. Is there any reason why I should not do that?" And then she wants me to shut up and listen to what he has to say. She figures any doubt on my part will be eliminated by the words he utters. If anything it will either solidify my decision to make this break once and for all or it will tear my resolve to pieces. I don't expect the latter.

Side note: I am in discussions with D7's doctors (regular pediatrician as well as her pediatric GI) about trying to schedule the endoscopy and what needs to happen and when. I'm happily out of practice of this mode, but I'm feeling all the emotion I never felt the first time around. So is Mr. Wonderful.

We've had some incredibly good conversations lately, where he's validated me and my anxiety about this stuff. I really wish I knew what he was thinking. But right now I'm just needing to take care of me, and one day soon we will have this talk that needs to be hashed out.

I will definitely come to the Bay Area at some point in the future. It's my second hometown, and a place that holds a special place in my heart. Mr. Wonderful and I met in your neck of the woods and we were married there as well. The thought of going back right this very minute holds great appeal, because so many of our loved ones are still there, but at the same time tugs at my heart strings. Lots of history there. But we'll have to swap e-mail addresses and I'll let you know of my next trip back to your neck of the woods. It's too big a place in my heart for me not to want to head back. For the record, when I'm not rooting for my home teams, I root for the As and the Sharks. Sorry, could never be a 9er or a Giants fan...

I'll check back with you at your place when you return home from your dedication. I wish you well there and hope you can find some peace from within to take care of you through all that drama.

Betsey