Why, Merrick, you're drinking to the fact that you're here on Earth and able to drink! You're drinking to the fact that things aren't always perfect, but you'll be o.k. in the end... most of all, you're drinking to: GROWTH
I think you're right and I hope I'll be OK in the end--at least here on earth. It's these Eucharist, divorce, remarriage, and adultery questions--and their implications for eternal damnation that keep sticking in the back of mind. But we'll work on those too.
Betsey – I am glad you are still on that walk not towards, but with peace. If my gift is precise analysis, yours is giving a voice to so many who are struggling with the same issues and dealing with the same questions, but don’t have your amazing gift of self-expression. Reading your posts is realizing that one is not alone, that the struggle is worthwhile, that one person can, single-handedly, change her world, and touch many lives and hearts on her journey. And that there is peace around the corner of the road, and over the brow of the hill. Peace, but also new and exiting adventures. It has been a privilege to witness, and I have learned so much. Thank you.
I’ll close with a poem I found while reading up something completely unrelated, which I at first actively tried to discard, but which followed me home like a lost puppy and finally contentedly rolled up in a corner of my brain, intending to stay. Posted not for you, who is far beyond its reach, but for me, as a reminder.
After A While
After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, and you really do have worth. And you learn
yours is giving a voice to so many who are struggling with the same issues and dealing with the same questions, but don’t have your amazing gift of self-expression. Reading your posts is realizing that one is not alone, that the struggle is worthwhile, that one person can, single-handedly, change her world, and touch many lives and hearts on her journey.
That is a beautiful poem. I think I'm going to print it out as a reminder of what this journey is really all about. I feel so grateful for all the input I've received since I first started posting here.
PIB--Thank you for Pen's vote of confidence. I appreciate it immensely. I'm still having trouble with my decision, even though I feel it is ultimately right for me. I guess my conscience speaks really loudly and I don't take consequences lightly.
But I'll not only survive--I'm going to thrive!
Oh, Pen? I think I'm going to leave it to you to start the next thread. You pick a topic and I'll come join in when I can. Right now, I just really don't want to talk about my life... not only here, but off the BB too. I really need this time to "data dump" and just be.
I have a busy weekend planned... hitting Coors Field with a friend tomorrow night to see the Rockies play the Diamondbacks (courtesy of my swell friend, Merrick) and then catching up with him on Sunday. I'm really looking forward to the idea of fun without dwelling on my train wreck of a marriage for awhile!
Hope everyone has a splendid weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thank you for your support and brave admissions. Tell me, what are the next steps for you? How are you defining your goals? How are the girls feeling now that choices have been made?
and lastly...... why not visit the SF Bay Area?! Plenty of room here!
I haven't really spoken with the girls yet as to any concrete steps that I will be taking... eventually. I really want to have that discussion with them after their dad and I have a chance to discuss this first. I really don't know what he will have to say, and I have reservations about the conversation. Maybe because I am so acutely aware of the consequences? Right now, I'm just giving myself permission to exist and not do anything or make any goals.
My surrogate mom and I had a very emotional and tearful conversation awhile ago. She's so wonderfully supportive and the love she feels for me makes me feel truly blessed. She advised me to give any action a little more time, due to the magnitude of events that are already on our plates.
Then she wants me to approach him with the following statement: "I've made an appointment to see the mediator next week. Is there any reason why I should not do that?" And then she wants me to shut up and listen to what he has to say. She figures any doubt on my part will be eliminated by the words he utters. If anything it will either solidify my decision to make this break once and for all or it will tear my resolve to pieces. I don't expect the latter.
Side note: I am in discussions with D7's doctors (regular pediatrician as well as her pediatric GI) about trying to schedule the endoscopy and what needs to happen and when. I'm happily out of practice of this mode, but I'm feeling all the emotion I never felt the first time around. So is Mr. Wonderful.
We've had some incredibly good conversations lately, where he's validated me and my anxiety about this stuff. I really wish I knew what he was thinking. But right now I'm just needing to take care of me, and one day soon we will have this talk that needs to be hashed out.
I will definitely come to the Bay Area at some point in the future. It's my second hometown, and a place that holds a special place in my heart. Mr. Wonderful and I met in your neck of the woods and we were married there as well. The thought of going back right this very minute holds great appeal, because so many of our loved ones are still there, but at the same time tugs at my heart strings. Lots of history there. But we'll have to swap e-mail addresses and I'll let you know of my next trip back to your neck of the woods. It's too big a place in my heart for me not to want to head back. For the record, when I'm not rooting for my home teams, I root for the As and the Sharks. Sorry, could never be a 9er or a Giants fan...
I'll check back with you at your place when you return home from your dedication. I wish you well there and hope you can find some peace from within to take care of you through all that drama.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey