Hey all!

Lights--I promise to put all of this in a letter to send to you via snail mail very soon! I'm still going over all this stuff.

I think I might have confused a lot of people with how I came to my decision and how I ultimately came to perceive Mr. Wonderful's response to that notice that I was ready to make our separation permanent (i.e., divorce).

He provided 2 comments: that he missed me (hell, I missed me too! ) and asking if we could talk about this.

As the days passed by and he called to schedule our parenting weekends, I realized that my discussion mirrors what he really wants. I think he has reservations about the consequences, but that the benefit outweighs them.

So while we have not been able to sit down and start hashing this out before contacting our mediator (and we WILL have a mediated D), I think this decision reflects what is in both of our hearts. I hope this explains this a little more fully.

There is something I've never posted before, mostly because I didn't want to read into the statement (I do follow my own advice in not believing what is said 100% of the time). But in this particular statement, I think it is telling and something I cannot ignore.

When asked how he felt about the consequences of D, Mr. Wonderful gave me this reply more than three times: "What I really worry about is how I feel about the thought of another guy seeing my daughters more than me."

Not, "I wonder how I'd feel if you were to find another man." Or "I think I would really regret losing you".

I told my weight loss counselors something I think I should share here. Before we got married, I had reservations about Mr. Wonderful's inability or reluctance or unwillingness to put his emotions out on the table.

I asked him if we could call off the engagement and be friends. His reply? No. I can't be friends with you without being your lover. I figured God would help me find a way to make that okay. I figure now that God is releasing me of a burden that has caused me pain for a really long time.

I told my lady counselors that I finally realize it is too much to ask Mr. Wonderful to be something he is not, and to understand that this is okay with me. And it really is.

Karen--We will meet, sweetie. God willing, on my next trip back to DC, which may be Thanksgiving. I think you are an awfully special lady with a whole lot to offer. Maybe one day we'll be able to leave this pain behind and chart out better territory... with a beer, perhaps?

I really don't want to hash out the terms of my D online... it's probably no good for me to journal this nor is it a good influence for the newer posters. I will commit to posting to others, though...

I do know he's learning. I think it's going to take him a long time to sort this stuff out... I can still be a friend to him without needing to see some progress from him for my own sanity's sake. I still love him, and probably always will. But I love me enough to draw a line in the sand.

It's time to graduate from the University of Hard Knocks. I think it's safe to say that many of us have earned our degrees Summa Cum Laude and not Somewhat Cum Lousy!

Who's coming out to the bar with me after this graduation?

Betsey

p.s. I lost another 2 lbs, bringing me down 3 lbs under my goal weight... I'm trying to maintain but my body is doing something different! This brings me down to 41 lbs total and definitely lower than my pre-D10 pregnancy weight. GO ME

"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein