Friends, Squatters & Lurkers--Fishbowl musings

[Underdog]

Hey to all,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and advice. I'm drinking it all in.

I was hoping to get here over the weekend, but I found myself in the continued funk, along with some unpleasant medical news lurking for D7, and just couldn't muster enough energy to even post, let alone dispense advice to others.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and praying over the past week. I've talked to friends who know me well off the BB, including my parents and others who have all asked me the golden question, "Bets, is this what is truly in your heart?"

I've been one of the fortunate people who have had the full support of family members and friends all along. Precious few have asked me when I'm going to get my head examined, and they are not in my close inner circle.

KAW, I'm taking your suggestion to heart... truly. I'm really discovering that my heart is not in this. It's been 2 years since Mr. Wonderful really emotionally detached from me, and I'm afraid that I cannot muster enough to really head back to the drawing board.

I keep going back to a thought that has come back to roost--one my mother planted before we married. She asked me if I was really following my heart. While she did not ask me for an answer, she wanted me to think about it. As one BB friend so succinctly put this, I managed to tap dance my way through a wedding without answering the question...

So much water has gone under the bridge. I see Mr. Wonderful and I see a man who has changed little. I see a man who might only be scared enough to work for me because I've lost nearly 40 lbs and look like the girl he used to chase. I wonder if I just represent the girl I used to be? Not the woman I am presently?

He still doesn't seem to have any answers. Only questions. And I'm seeing that a steady diet of ambivalence or worse, indifference, might just kill me or at least break my heart into little pieces.

I think we can be really good friends. Our many chats indicate we have what it takes to do this well. And we both love our girls more than anything. But I want passion from a man. A man who can see me for who I am, not who they think I am--or worse, think I should be.

Oddly enough, when I spoke to friends who have known me for a lifetime, not one of them was surprised at my struggle. They all felt that Mr. W. loved me, but that the passion I need from a man was never present. And every single one of them have told me to pursue the passion.

I felt very much at peace in church today. An odd sort of calm took over my being, and I felt a bit of a burden lift from my shoulders. I have to say that for once, I think I owe this path to myself. I've followed the right one for so long and done it for all the right reasons. But I don't ever want to be the angry woman I was before. Angry about being ignored or that my needs were not important.

I'm not saying he could not BE that man. But until he's shown that he's got what it takes, I really need to completely let go of this rope. I want more. I deserve more. I love hard and deeply. And I want the same in return.

Funny, he brought the girls home and left and D10 and I were having a very odd dinner conversation. She's been in a bit of a hormonal state, and I was finding it difficult to navigate until she brought up the subject of going to a luau at her dad's apartment complex.

I asked her what that entailed and asked if Gary and Pam had come too. She jumped up and down and said excitedly, "MOM! I forgot to tell you! The best news ever? Gary moved this week to a new apartment, pretty far from Dad! That's the best news I've had all week!"

Methinks that his boredom factor and Gary's departure might have had something to do with his rethinking our marriage. It's just not enough at this point.

Sorry for the downer post, but I really am happier. I'm actually sad about what could have been, but some of this was none of my doing. I'm grateful for the journey and all the help along the way. But I just want and need some peace for the indefinite future.

Peace to all tonight.

Betsey