You were so wonderful to me last week when I was in the middle of a meltdown. You validated the utter fatigue I was feeling and... I want to turn around and do the same for you.
As far as any of us looking at this and thinking, as you wrote, ""She got what she wanted! Now get moving!"" I want you to consider it differently.
First...you have not come this far worrying FOOLISHLY about what others might think... don't start now! Second....I doubt that any of us would feel this...even if we are anxious and excited to hear a happy ending.... Third... Every success we have on our db path usually comes when we are really listening and validating what is true. In this case, you need to validate what is true for you and take the time you need to strengthen yourself for this last great PUSH> ah yes... you remember those, don't you? and always they are preceeded by tremendous exhaustion....
Another analogy that comes to mind for me as I consider your fatigue, is the jetlag factor that accompanies a journey. When some folks get jet lag it is a matter of which direction they have flown...I have always found that direction is irrelevant. I tend to keep it all together during the journey and only fall apart once I land on home territory or close to it. It is as if I save up all that fatigue and live on raw nerve energy as I traverse unfamiliar ground. Once "home" it all catches up with me.
Take your time. Pace yourself. Breathe. You may be close to "home" but you will be db'ing the rest of your life (won't you?). Give yourself the rest and restoration to take this new branch on your path.
Hi there Bets, I've only covered what you posted this week since returning from some time off from work. (dial up from home is just too slow to try to keep up here.)
Since I started reading your posts, I sense you do tend downplay an extraordinary "animal magnetism" that you possess - even when you are not on your game. Around here, the coons make a nuisance of themselves usaully by making a mess out of your trashcans. Its the skunks that you have to watch for that tend to crawl where you don't expect them (sheds, garages, etc).
I can empathize with your sense of fatigue. This a loooong process, but that doesn't mean we have to try to outperform the Energizer bunny. Its a necessity that we recharge our batteries from time to time and preferably on a regular routine basis in order to avoid getting stuck in the dark.
Quote: ... And I don't see myself living like this much longer."
In fact, Bets, maybe its time to climb out of the lighthouse for a while and let Mr.W shine his beacon for a while. It seems he found the "On" switch. Time to sit back and see how bright he can make it glow. It may become bright enough to attact you to the light!
Thanks so much for the encouragement and advice. I'm drinking it all in.
I was hoping to get here over the weekend, but I found myself in the continued funk, along with some unpleasant medical news lurking for D7, and just couldn't muster enough energy to even post, let alone dispense advice to others.
I've been doing a lot of soul searching and praying over the past week. I've talked to friends who know me well off the BB, including my parents and others who have all asked me the golden question, "Bets, is this what is truly in your heart?"
I've been one of the fortunate people who have had the full support of family members and friends all along. Precious few have asked me when I'm going to get my head examined, and they are not in my close inner circle.
KAW, I'm taking your suggestion to heart... truly. I'm really discovering that my heart is not in this. It's been 2 years since Mr. Wonderful really emotionally detached from me, and I'm afraid that I cannot muster enough to really head back to the drawing board.
I keep going back to a thought that has come back to roost--one my mother planted before we married. She asked me if I was really following my heart. While she did not ask me for an answer, she wanted me to think about it. As one BB friend so succinctly put this, I managed to tap dance my way through a wedding without answering the question...
So much water has gone under the bridge. I see Mr. Wonderful and I see a man who has changed little. I see a man who might only be scared enough to work for me because I've lost nearly 40 lbs and look like the girl he used to chase. I wonder if I just represent the girl I used to be? Not the woman I am presently?
He still doesn't seem to have any answers. Only questions. And I'm seeing that a steady diet of ambivalence or worse, indifference, might just kill me or at least break my heart into little pieces.
I think we can be really good friends. Our many chats indicate we have what it takes to do this well. And we both love our girls more than anything. But I want passion from a man. A man who can see me for who I am, not who they think I am--or worse, think I should be.
Oddly enough, when I spoke to friends who have known me for a lifetime, not one of them was surprised at my struggle. They all felt that Mr. W. loved me, but that the passion I need from a man was never present. And every single one of them have told me to pursue the passion.
I felt very much at peace in church today. An odd sort of calm took over my being, and I felt a bit of a burden lift from my shoulders. I have to say that for once, I think I owe this path to myself. I've followed the right one for so long and done it for all the right reasons. But I don't ever want to be the angry woman I was before. Angry about being ignored or that my needs were not important.
I'm not saying he could not BE that man. But until he's shown that he's got what it takes, I really need to completely let go of this rope. I want more. I deserve more. I love hard and deeply. And I want the same in return.
Funny, he brought the girls home and left and D10 and I were having a very odd dinner conversation. She's been in a bit of a hormonal state, and I was finding it difficult to navigate until she brought up the subject of going to a luau at her dad's apartment complex.
I asked her what that entailed and asked if Gary and Pam had come too. She jumped up and down and said excitedly, "MOM! I forgot to tell you! The best news ever? Gary moved this week to a new apartment, pretty far from Dad! That's the best news I've had all week!"
Methinks that his boredom factor and Gary's departure might have had something to do with his rethinking our marriage. It's just not enough at this point.
Sorry for the downer post, but I really am happier. I'm actually sad about what could have been, but some of this was none of my doing. I'm grateful for the journey and all the help along the way. But I just want and need some peace for the indefinite future.
Peace to all tonight.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Betsey - I read about D7's medical complications, D10's hormones and there you are, serene as a Madonna, calmly sticking to your boundaries. In my current state of turmoil, you are an inspiration.
I totally agree that dbing notwithstanding, none of us should settle for less than we deserve. Than we want. You are winning this, Betsey. Not necessarily with MW, but nevertheless, a winner in this journey we are all on.
He still doesn't seem to have any answers. Only questions. And I'm seeing that a steady diet of ambivalence or worse, indifference, might just kill me or at least break my heart into little pieces.
I think we can be really good friends. ... But I want passion from a man. A man who can see me for who I am, not who they think I am--or worse, think I should be.
Oh yes, Betsey. I understand this so well and am struggling to understand that I, too, deserve passion and excitement and to be matched in my capacity to be intimate as I have grown.
So you see, once again you lead the way.
Whew. It reminds me of the song that was written during the initial labor union days of the Ladies Garment Workers.... one line of the song..
"It is not just bread we fight for we fight for ROSES, too!"
First, my prayers for D7. I also want to thank you for giving me a contined glimpse into my W's soul. If my W were keeping a journal before her decision to break it off--it would read just like this.
Quote: I think we can be really good friends. Our many chats indicate we have what it takes to do this well. And we both love our girls more than anything. But I want passion from a man. A man who can see me for who I am, not who they think I am--or worse, think I should be.
Oddly enough, when I spoke to friends who have known me for a lifetime, not one of them was surprised at my struggle. They all felt that Mr. W. loved me, but that the passion I need from a man was never present. And every single one of them have told me to pursue the passion.
I felt very much at peace in church today. An odd sort of calm took over my being, and I felt a bit of a burden lift from my shoulders. I have to say that for once, I think I owe this path to myself. I've followed the right one for so long and done it for all the right reasons. But I don't ever want to be the angry woman I was before. Angry about being ignored or that my needs were not important.
I'm not saying he could not BE that man. But until he's shown that he's got what it takes, I really need to completely let go of this rope. I want more. I deserve more. I love hard and deeply. And I want the same in return.
This reminds me that despite W's blindness or lack of faith in my efforts/ability to be that man, the pain she is experiencing in thinking it's not possible is extraordinary.
More than a few times folks have told me that I may need to take two steps backwards before I can take three steps forward--essentially retracing my steps to return to an old fork in the road.
But as for you, I really applaud your handling of the downs in life--that it's okay to be down so long as we know that we have to get back up--and do it!!
I'm looking forward to my trip to Colorado and wish I had a bit more time to learn about your world. As your grandfather has been a guardian angel to D7, YOU have been a guardian angel to so many on this BB--including me!
Bets, my DB friend, i just want to jot down my thoughts here.
I have been on this BB close to 9 months now, and have posted to you and gotten to know you from the onset. I have watched you grow, stumble, recover and grow some more for those 9 months, and have read what you have accomplished for 10 months prior to that.
The person you are today is no where near the person you were 2 years ago. You are more enlightened, more proud of yourself, more genuine than you could ever have imagined 2 years ago.
And this is why I trust that the decisions that you make today and for the rest of your life will not be made in haste nor uninformed.
There will come a point in each and every one of our journeys here on the BB where we stand at the crossroads. And I don't mean little intersections where we have to choose what we have for dinner and so forth.... I mean the one major crossroad, whether the journey has taken us to a place where we know in our hearts that we can survive, with or without the one we have been fighting for.
Truth is, and I think so many people have lost sight of this, is that we aren't necessarily fighting for our M's, our spouses, our kids, our R's... WE ARE FIGHTING FOR OURSELVES!!! Without fighting for ourselves, none of the above can ever happen. We could not achieve the capacity to see what we need to do around us unless we ourselves know what we can do.
You have achieved that Betsey, more than anyone here. You have EARNED the right to make the decision you are making today. And for that, I can not begrudge you.
I am so glad I have gotten to know you. You have become the sunshine of alot of us here, whether you choose to or not. And it is not because you have saved your M or you haven't, its because you have saved yourself. BRAVO!
I would venture to guess that many of us don't know what to say about your latest post.
IMO, Mr. W must be nuts. He is that guy at the train station, waiting for the train to depart to that mystery destination. And when that train is ready to leave the station, he decides not to climb aboard and see where that next destination is at, because he is afraid that the train may derail.
You have fought for 19 months now, with gallant effort. And I believe you have achieved many of your goals.
All smiles today Betsey! Because you are you, and no one else!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Betsy, please go enjoy "I, Robot". I think you'd like it. I'm not sure what all the bad reviews are about...but my guess is that people expected it to stick to the short story Asimov wrote by the same title.
If anything, I'd say it was a mix of a lot of different Asimov stories. I enjoyed it immensely...but I did spend a lot of neccessary time trying to figure out which story the movie was based on. My gut said it was based on Caves of Steel.
But no...it was based on the idea of them, not any one actual story!
Does that help?
Also, you have my prayers for you and your daughter.
Angie, before I forget, I'll head up to your place in a bit. I just want to post my update and catch up with a few folks before I get busy here at work.
Still dealing with a little guilt over my decision... not because I know it's wrong, but because I know it's right. Odd feeling that is, for sure.
I did speak a few times to Mr. Wonderful yesterday. He was in a very chipper mood and had his daytimer out in front of him, wanting to discuss weekend parenting for the rest of the summer. We didn't address a time to have "the talk" but I really sense some relief on his part.
And oddly enough, that is sort of a comforting thought.
I went to a shindig last night, which was a forum for the upcoming election--specifically the DA election. Caught up with a few friends who I haven't seen in awhile (and got the scoop on what is was like to be in the 15th row of the Toronto Madonna concert). Most of these are my wonderful gay male friends... who are very adoring and complimentary, as well as supportive.
Aside from the fact that I was being pursued by another attorney who is working on the campaign ( ), I managed to plop my butt down on the side and listen to what these guys had to say to me. One of them (another attorney) reminded me that it is wise to recognize the distinction I was seeking from Mr. W.
That is, I sense he does miss me, but would make an effort only to please me because he's not happy where he is. The friend reminded me that this is not a firm belief that I am the woman for him, and gave me a hug for understanding that I do want more.
Of course, they are all friendly with him too and wish him well. Which is good, because he's going to be in my life for an awful long time.
I have never been more tired in my life. It must be 18+ months of an adrenaline rush crashing down. But I feel exhausted. I've decided that the rest of my year is going to be devoted to just enjoying myself, having fun with friends and taking care of my girls.
Knowing me, you can count on a few dramas along the way. It's looking like D7 is going to be undergoing some medical tests which will require anesthesia, with the possibility of surgery following. I can reassure all of you that I am not a surgery nut, but that there is a good reason for putting her under again... because all the indicators are there. She's a trouper!
Mr. Wonderful and I have had a few discussions about this, and we both concluded that we can't believe we existed on a steady diet of this fare for 2 years. What used to be "another day in our life" is now met with apprehension.
But, there are lessons here abound. I just hope they get a little easier with time.
Many thanks and big hugs to all you wonderful people who wrote the uplifting posts. They brought tears to my eyes. I pray for all of us on a nightly basis, and the 2 who top my list are my much beloved and missed friends, Meredith and Pam. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers too.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Around here, the coons make a nuisance of themselves usaully by making a mess out of your trashcans. Its the skunks that you have to watch for that tend to crawl where you don't expect them (sheds, garages, etc). 
Betsey 
), I managed to plop my butt down on the side and listen to what these guys had to say to me. One of them (another attorney) reminded me that it is wise to recognize the distinction I was seeking from Mr. W.