Friends, Squatters & Lurkers--Fishbowl musings

[Underdog]

This post is going to be more of a journaling sort... to help myself more than anything. Before I begin, Lights? Your e-mail was wonderful! Believe me, the velvet 2x4 was exactly what I needed and your input warmly received. I'll do it justice in the next day or so. You know I love you, right?

I know many of you are anxious to know what has transpired with Mr. Wonderful since he told me that he really misses me on Monday and requested to talk?

Well, our talks have not been R oriented this week. I let him know last night that I am exhausted beyond belief. If someone would watch my girls and take my job duties, I swear I would love to sleep for one solid month.

We've had plenty of opportunities to do some problem solving over the past few days. For one, he got some bizarre news about his boss on Tuesday evening. I won't post it here, but he handled this really well, and it gave me the chance to listen to the part of him that is a compassionate and kind man.

He also left me a check with money to help with A/C costs since it has been hot as heck here lately. I told him I really appreciate that. He seemed pleased that I expressed gratitude.

The next morning, I had to call him to tell him about our unexpected overnight visitor, who entered the house through the fireplace, crawled up my patio drapes and decided to sleep on top of the valance... getting soot all over the place and pooping all over the place as well.

I didn't realize that the ruckus created the night before was not the cat... so needless to say, we had a raccoon take up residence, much to my horror. I screamed loud enough to wake the dead, as well as 2 little girls! Thank goodness for the lovely animal control guy...

I was at first hesitant to tell him about this, because I think he feels that my life is one big drama he doesn't need. However, I got over that fear and asked him if I should call a contractor friend to put a cap on the chimney and fix the damper or what he felt I should do.

We got that resolved... and then he called me yesterday afternoon to discuss some challenges he discovered about D7, D10 and their summer supervision. It was news to me, and he asked me for input on how to handle our dilemma. I gave it a little thought, but was beyond tired and didn't feel I was being very helpful.

After getting to the gym and having a good chat with a college friend, I phoned him back and apologized for seeming unenthusiastic about problem solving. He said he didn't have that interpretation but did notice I seemed aloof. I let him know it wasn't aloofness, but extreme fatigue.

Then the garage door broke this morning... he called me awhile ago to let me know he had fixed that for now, and what we need to do if it goes south again (it's a solid cedar door and very heavy, requiring industrial springs).

All in all, he's been really warm and helpful on the phone and using a very caring tone with me.

Herein lies my present state of mind, which will pass. No need for any whacks because I realize I need to sit on the bench for a bit to regroup and stare into space. I NEED this zoning out time.

I've worked my butt off for 18 months to get to this point. I'm glad to have the chance to start over. But right now, I feel fatigued and a bit weepy. I'm scared of heading on a trip with him that I am more prepared to take than he is. It doesn't scare me or stop me from pushing ahead, but I just need to stare at the map for a bit before I take the first step.

I'll devote my time to taking care of myself--and my girls, of course--and just to pray and be. I really and truly need the peace that will come if I just let this boat come to a complete standstill without any brakes or gas or steering.

I know this sounds weird to you who have been here with me during this journey. I know you're probably thinking, "She got what she wanted! Now get moving!" But the fact is, my tank is out of gas right now, and I will eventually put it back in, but right now I just want to sit in the car and rest up before continuing the journey.

Mr. Wonderful seems oddly content with this peace right now as well. I guess neither one of us realized how difficult and energy zapping this all has been.

In the meantime, I'm planning some fun things and really looking forward to them. One in particular, and this person knows how much fun this is going to be!

I'll be back soon, I promise. Now who wants the floor?

Betsey