I think there are a kabillion reasons aka excuses for infidelity. There's weakness...in my little world, you make a committment to your partner but it is the committment to MYSELF that would prevent me from infidelity. So,bottom line, I do think infidelity is a weakness of character, but then I am opinionated! There are serial adulterers ...and we've read about many a one here on the boards and that seems to be a whole new beast. But I think that that people who justify their own behaviors by blaming others are most susceptible to giving in to affairs. Unfortunately, there really aren't always signs of disaffection of spouse...because some people just don't seem to see the harm in it. (Pen, you might have the French background to harken to re les affaires des cours (sp?). I KNEW my X was depressed and hurt and angry but I was just tired of rescuing him...damn, I wanted to be rescued for a change. Instead he found someone eager to rescue him. Oh well. But I've so many friends whose spouses just decided a fling was in order...that they somehow deserved it???????? I don't think you can protect against it, but you can try to keep the white elephants out of the living room. If you can face the issues as they come up, chances are you can keep them from taking over the love...and then there is that LOYALTY GENE, but that is another story gd
Quote: And now, I’m even considering that a perfectly happy marriage, where both partners are anything but unhappy, and might even describe themselves as “very happy” only a few weeks before might be susceptible to an affair ….. simply because one partner allowed a friendship to go too far, out of carelessness more than anything.
Pen, I was surprised to see you post this. And relieved. And somewhat impressed. It really shows how open you are to see all sides of the issues that led to your M. As a LBS, I think most people prefer to see us as having some "disease." You know, what did you do? This will never happen to me or our M.... yada, yada, yada.
I have two women in my small group at church who have both been OW. They told me all the things that the WA told them... not happy, blah, blah, blah. When I told them that my M seemed good or great to me, they looked at me like I had three eyes.
But it did. As a matter of fact, just a few days prior to bomb #1, I was thinking just how happy I was... I remember it clearly. Obviously, that was just about the time the flashing light on the top of my head went off, and Screwworm got busy.
I do believe that the WA may be "friends" and then some upheaval happens that may cause them to doubt their R or their W. It was a life altering event for my H, the death of his mom. His "friend" was there at the time, I was a convenient blame for the shape of his R with his mom, and there you have it. And you are right, the week before his mom died, maybe he would have said he was happy in his M, too. Maybe not, but he had me fooled.
Anyway, as a former OW, and yes, I know you don't like that title, thanks for trying to see my "side." I'm feeling a tad bid warmer to you (not a whole lot since finding out you are 27...),
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
first let me say GO YOU pen - first for the GO ME and then second for having so much wisdom at such a young age. i went thru a moment of regret after reading that you were only 27 thinking "if only i knew then what i know now" and then i put that ole stop sign up and said, "glad i know NOW instead of knowing it when i am 60" so GO ME again!!!
gd1? thanks for the reminders, but i can assure you that i am by far doing the gym thing for myself.
and already i am reaping benefits!!! the trainer there was thrilled that i have already lost 60 pounds, told me today when i went in for my free training session that he wanted me to be his personal project for the rest of the way to my goal. he was enamored with my story and my determination to do this for me and for health and he said that we were gonna make headlines!!! hehe
Quote: the trainer there was thrilled that i have already lost 60 pounds, told me today when i went in for my free training session that he wanted me to be his personal project for the rest of the way to my goal.
Kitti is he young and hunky even old and hunky YOU GO GIRL!
Quote: when I first came to this board, I had the fixed impression in my head that any marriage vulnerable to an affair must be in some way fundamentally flawed. Then, as I progressed, I considered that perhaps, it needn’t always be like that – that in some cases, one person’s problems and demons past and future might be quite sufficient to break a marriage apart, even if the other person is doing everything “right” (classical midlife crisis scenario).
I found this comment very interesting. Yes when a S has an affair the first one to be blamed is the LBS. Ok sometimes it is the case and the WA cannot be blamed alone for the break down. I know in my sitch I maybe didn't do everything right but I tried damn hard (maybe too hard)
Something that cracks me up is how everyone else tells me how wonderful I am: my parents (well its their job ) H parents and siblings, my friends, H workmates I even thing H believes it so why is he not by my side. Does the blame lie with H who when things get tough instead of facing up to them would rather walk away? (And when you have someone to walk to it makes is easier)
Don't get me wrong I don't blame H for any of this. I'm well past that. I know he has fundamental flaws and problems with dealing with things these I have accepted. Now all I have to do is make him realise this make him see that we can work through things and that I love him for who he is.
Do you think that it is too easy to get married? (I mean ths papers are full of it Brittany, J-lo, Brad Pit saying he didn't think marriage was for life (bit of a get out clause there if you ask me)) What sort of message is this sending to people? People think oh well if it doesn't work out at least we can get divorced. So is you don't think its for keep then why get married? Why not just live together? That's what I love about this site. Here we have a collection of people who do belive in marriage, know its hard work but believe its worth it.
Ok that's my rant. Hope you all had a wonderful 4th July. (I loved that holiday when I lived in the states)
God bless
Always questioning???
Not always sad!!!
Joanne
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning. Albert Einstein
Hi Briget, Sorry you are having a hard time lately...Big hugs to you. It might be the full moon; I've had a bad couple of weeks too. Fireworks helped, but alone they just aren't the same. So ((((((((((((((Briget))))))))))))))))). Find a friend and go for a walk, or coffee , or a movie...or a margarita!!
Hay all who read this most popular of threads!! Just wanted to invite you to Gail's (Hopeful's) Tampa party. She started these get togethers and hers is always a hoot! I went two years ago and made some lifelong friends and had a blast. I'm even bringing my Kalua pig for luau night!
It is the weekend of August 7 and usually people arrive THursday or Friday and leave Sun or Monday. I'm trying to talk Underdog in going with me from colorado (we usually get the distance award) and K.Kitty is thinning about it ! Check it out on the Just for Fun thread. It might help to get away from your piecings situations for awhile..sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder.
GD, I'll take you up on another travel adventure ASAP... but that weekend I have out of town guests. Then my grandmother arrives a few weeks later! I love company!
I hope you can go, Briget. There are some terrific BB folks out there, and it sounds as though FL is the happening place this summer!
No news on my front...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi everyone! Hope you had a good holiday weekend. It was quite hectic around here, but great fun. The kids and their friend left yesterday, and I finally have a chance to catch my breath.
Holdingon, I posted on your thread!
Briget, I'm heading over to your place now.
So, what is new in this part of the Ocean? Betsey, what is Mr. W up to these days? I also miss hearing about D7. *smile* And has anyone heard from Pamela? I miss her, too!!
Glad to hear your update! I've been busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest this week, which has left me with very little spare time.
Mr. Wonderful is on vacation this week, and will be returning tomorrow night. He and BIL are heading over to the house on Sunday morning for breakfast.
I will post my news next week, and it's sure to be the start of a roller coaster ride once again. Yes, this is a cliff hanger, but I need some time to work on the story before I tell it.
D7 is her usual, petulant self these days. All I can say is that it's a good thing I love her beyond belief, because she wouldn't make it another day in anyone else's world. She's up to her usual antics, which usually entail chasing and licking the cat...
I've been watching 2 other little girls on and off this week. They both go to D10's school and are 9 and 7. The G7 is really nice to D7. They all play nicely together. Their mom is a single mom to 4--they have 2 younger brothers as well. Mom gets no child support as Dad is going to jail and the court issued a restraining order against him, barring him from making contact with ANY of the children. Oh, and this nice lady is 29 years old.
The mom is going in for surgery next week, so I'll be watching the girls until she can get back on her feet, so to speak. Having 4 little girls will probably keep me a little bit busy!
I do correspond with Meredith and Pam, and will tell them hello. They both need their time away from the BB right now. So it's just us for the time being!
Have a great weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: I will post my news next week, and it's sure to be the start of a roller coaster ride once again. Yes, this is a cliff hanger, but I need some time to work on the story before I tell it.
Hey Betsey!
You mean you'll make me wait three days to hear all the news? Cruel is what I call it. Just cruel.
I had to LOL regarding the "busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest", as it pretty much reflects how I felt this last week. Four kids can sure keep you busy, can't they? If only they weren't so darn cute, he he.
I hope your D's friends' mother gets through her surgery without incident; I can't imagine what it must be like raising four children as a single mom without any child support. What a blessing that she has a friend like you to help in such difficult times.
Please tell Pam and Meredith hi, and that we're thinking of (and rooting for!) them.
gd 
Betsey