Quote: Really? Your neighbor was offended? Sorry I don't see that. You said she is somwhat of a surragate mother image to you? I'll assume she is older and perhaps practices a faith more strict than others. Frankly, I'm not offended. It was a great letter and rather timely for me.
Hi Pattie,
My neighbour is a Southern Baptist, but whether they are particularly strict or not as opposed to others I can’t really tell you – I’ll never get all of those Protestant denominations here straight. She is a very religious person, though, as are many of the people that I’ve met. She’s 62, and I’m 27. Thanks for your kind words, and I'm glad you found the letter helpful.
I thought I would come over and tell you about my first date in 16 years tonight.But first Pen.I was raised as a Southern Baptist.And I wasn't bothered a bit by your words.But then again I'm a bit of a liberal.And just because she was offended doesn't make it offensive to everyone.My mouth is alway getting me in trouble.I'm rather blunt and I haven't learned how to tame my tougue.
So now on to my dinner date.We went to a really nice Italian restarant. He was a perfect gentleman.He opened my car door.He had one of those really big trucks.I was wearing tall boots and I still had to hop up.Very graceful.
Dinner was good.But I have a hard time finding something to eat that is not on my list of no no foods.I have to work tomorrow and didn't want to eat a trigger food and end up sick.
After dinner we went for a walk on the pier on the river.(not easy in heels)He was easy to talk to.
We got home about 10:30.He kissed me good night on my cheek.My D17 and her boyfriend were sitting out on the front porch.Her boyfriend is a nice boy.He even shook hands with my date when he left.He even put his hand out first.(I'm very impressed with D17 boyfriend.)
All in all a very nice evening.He asked me if I would like to go to a mandrine restarant.I said I would like to.I love mandrine food.
So how was that for a first date?
I had a good time.
Later Friends. Love, Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Hi Pen - Aren't you glad this group can handle irreverence
Quote: You wouldn’t perhaps stem from my side of the world?
Well, I'm in sunny England, where the 'bloody' separation of church from state happened a few centuries ago I was brought up Roman Catholic though, complete with a convent education, for what that's worth.
Makes you think, though, about how culture is always just there, under the surface... Slowly
I for one come from a very different background from all of you here, very diferent culture, belief and religion and I dont find that letter offensive at all. Talk about tolerance...
What I found is that the letter makes me analyse my Dbing nethod so far and where, how and what went wrong in my DB and how I could correct it.
Cant comprehend why some people found it offensive though..
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
One of my best girlfriends in college was a Southern Baptist. I told her about some of my beliefs, and she told me with absolute assurance that I wasn't a Christian.
I believed her and went and explored other paths. Today, I'm happily Pagan...a bit older and wiser. And I'm glad that she said what she said. But, I do realize now that I allowed her opinion to mean tooo much to me.
So, take it for what it's worth. I'm sure your friend loves you very much...but its still just her opinion.
Hi, I admit I was a tad confused by your friend's response, Pen. Was SHE offended or only trying to tell you that WE might be offended? If the latter, and if she hasn't lurked herself, she might have a different idea of what these boards are about. DB is a different game from the usual for starters. And while it doesn't work in bringing all relationships back, it is most likely a better gambit than anything else out there. She might just have a different picture in her mind from the reality. I haven't yet seen a poster that was offended, for really what did it contain that was offensive?
Hey Kitty, I am so proud of you for joining a gym. The thing is: people should love us for who wwe are inside, but peopole aren't perfect. And yes, we should want to feel in shape ourselves, for ourselves, for our health and self image. BUT , if we were in a relationship where we allowed our partner to hurt us with demands for a perfect body...well, that then becomes problematic. Been there, done that. Work that gym, but do it for you. I'm still trying, but frustrated that nothing seems to work well...but UDs idea for a low carb drink for breakfast (I find breakfast difficult) is definitely a step in the right direction for me. So, that being said: off to breakfast. gd (linda)
English, hmm? :: waves to Slowly:: I’m a half-breed myself - French mother, German father, currently relocated to the Sunshine State, and finding the transition challenging. Nice people, but the washing machines are a nightmare.
Thank you, PIB and BoldandBeautiful ! You’re both right; I’ve let one person’s opinion carry too much weight with me. While it is good and desirable to ask for feedback, and to consider (nice word) it, in the end, we must go with what feels right to us . GD1 , what my neighbour said was that the members here would be offended, but that might have been a polite way to tell me that she herself found it offensive. I’ll have to ask.
Sooo, now for something else I’ve been “considering” since reading Slowly’s “checklist” via the letter …… when I first came to this board, I had the fixed impression in my head that any marriage vulnerable to an affair must be in some way fundamentally flawed. (yes, I know – shoot me. *smile*). Then, as I progressed, I considered that perhaps, it needn’t always be like that – that in some cases, one person’s problems and demons past and future might be quite sufficient to break a marriage apart, even if the other person is doing everything “right” (classical midlife crisis scenario).
And now, I’m even considering that a perfectly happy marriage, where both partners are anything but unhappy, and might even describe themselves as “very happy” only a few weeks before might be susceptible to an affair ….. simply because one partner allowed a friendship to go too far, out of carelessness more than anything. A garden analogy – if we don’t take care to regularly pull out the volunteers while they are still small, we suddenly have a tree that will require a saw to cut down.
If this is true (and I’m beginning to think it must be) how do we guard ourselves against such a thing happening?
Are you questioning how we guard ourselves to the potential affair, or how we guard our marriages from infidelity?
There are certainly no guarantees in life. The only thing that can be certain is death, and even that has a varying degree of uncertainty in itself. So in essence, you cannot guard a marriage from infidelity. What you may find yourself doing is wasting your time trying opposed to living your life at the moment.
If you carry on a communicative, respectful relationship with your spouse, if you apply the DB principles to your everyday life, if you are mindful of your spouse’s love language and take care of yourself you are certainly lowering the chances of infidelity striking your marriage. By not letting your relationship fall into a routine, a rut, a dead end or whatever other cliché you’d prefer to apply, you are taking precautions against its demise. But cancer strikes the healthy. Nothing is certain.
Why though, dwell on what you cannot control? Why would you wake up each day and say to yourself, what if I am stricken with an uncontrollable disease? Would you not be living your life in fear of something you cannot control? But instead, if you eat healthy, exercise often and take care of yourself – you’re doing your part in keeping things on a healthy level and not wasting your time on what-ifs.
Pen, I don’t know your story. I do know that you communicate your thoughts on the board eloquently and you seem very in touch with your own feelings. But I have to wonder why you’d spend an incredible amount of energy wondering what we on the board think of a letter and your neighbor’s opinion of it, and now how we guard our marriage against the uncontrollable. Is there a specific fear that you are trying to address with us?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I’m no longer worried about my letter. I was worried, briefly, on the day I discussed it with my neighbour, but it passed quickly. Nor was the uncertaincy about the work as such. While we’re all human, different cultures still have different taboos, and I’m new here. If you’ve ever lived in another country, you’ll know that. The Janet Jackson Superbowl incident, for example, wouldn’t have even risen to the level of a minor scandal where I come from. I personally feel no need to talk about it anymore, but since people are still responding to it, I write back – simply out of appreciation for their thoughtfulness, not out of an inner insecurity or need for approbation.
Nor do I lay awake at night wondering what may happen to myself or my marriage. It was simply a train of thought that had developed out of Slowly’s post which I found worth contemplating. I enjoyed reading your answer, and now I’ll go outside and enjoy playing with the kids.
