W says there is no such thing as a Honeypot!

[NotATLDave]

whoa hairdog,

I keep thinking that she's going to crack at some point and realize that her problems belong to her.

The X thing is interesting. Especially because of her opinion of the other kids and their potential influence on your D.

It's interesting how you said "I don't WANT to move" instead of a pro-con discussion which would lead to thorny interpretations of what really is a pro and what is really a con - cloud of confusion and a waste of time to even go that far. It should be simple in that you state that you don't want to move but then make it clear that your "willingness to move" is a gift OR that you are simply going to stay in the house for a couple more years. This is the other half of differentiation where you make it clear that your concessions are actually gifts because you love and or respect your spouse. At the same time, don't undifferentiate to her lower level by allowing yourself to be infected by her insanity. She seems really compulsive. You should use this situation to push her into her crucible on this. Don't just tell her she's compulsive...stick to your guns, and she'll feel it. She needs you as an anchor because she's nuts. I know this because I'm nuts and my W is my anchor.

I pulled this kind of thing on my W about 6 years ago after our D6 birth. I compulsively put an offer on a slightly bigger house because I was feeling really cramped by the house we were in after the birth of our D6. I even told my W that our M wouldn't survive in our current little house. Wife stayed firm in her convictions that she didn't want to buy another house; especially so impulsively. I chilled out and accepted a job in Atlanta which was a city she fell in love with when visiting a friend and then I was able to get a bigger house. Problem solved. The moral of the story is that you should do what my W did and hold firm and don't accept such a compulsive decision on your W's part. Don't worry about her comment about feeling "trapped"...that's her problem and she telling you this to shut you up. Your HOM is a higher differentiation stance than hers and her response is to literally try to beat you down.

Keep up the good work hairdog. Sounds like you will be getting lots more practice holding onto yourself. She seems like a tough nut to crack.

Chris,

With all the talk about letting the LD spouse know/not know about these message boards, I'd think that giving SSM to the spouse would be "the best way" to subtly get them to come here on their own.

Unless your LD spouse is motivated to work on their LD issues and are truly struggling, it will be fruitless to ask them to read SSM and/or visit this site. Don't get me wrong, you SHOULD ask them to read SSM because your W might be the 1 in 10,000 who have the light-bulb go off (like eyesopened) and decide to work with you. But don't be surprised if they read a couple chapters and leave in their drawer for a month or don't read it at all. I'm not trying to be pessimistic. Of all the people on this board, I've had tremendous success but it started when I stopped asking my W for help and started changing myself (not in obvious ways either). Please stay on board and get your own thread going (so we don't hijack hairdog's). You are in a phase that we have all been in.