So, I'm sure our story isn't too different than most in this forum. My wife and I met about seven years ago and began dating almost immediately. The first three months or so were on fire with passion, lust, and incredible sex. I couldn't believe I could want a woman as badly as I did her.
We moved in together about two months into the relationship, and it was after the first month of living together that things began to change. Her interest in sex took a dive, which only heightened my longing for her. Isn't it one of nature's cruelest tricks, that the two are usually so inversely proportional? At any rate, our relationship declined over the course of the next five months or so, to the point that we decided to wait out our lease and call it quits thereafter.
But...
Things literally changed overnight. We still don't know to what to credit the change, but we found ourselves suddenly deeply in love, completely committed to what we found to be our best friend and companion. But, there was a dark side to the relationship, a stain that would continue to haunt us for the balance of going on six and a half years.
We married a year and a half into the relationship. In summary, our sex life was a constant struggle leading up to and beyond the wedding: she being hardly interested, me obsessing about the lack thereof.
It's a strange position to be in. We are very much in love with each other, and couldn't imagine being apart. We are the best of friends, and talk candidly about anything and everything, including our sexual dysfunction (up to a point). We spend every minute together that we can, because we want to. I can't imagine a better situation than being married to someone who is so much my soul mate. That is, except for sex.
So, we are caught in this pattern of friendship, which is wonderful, but completely awkward when it comes to our physical relationship. I've found that I have molded my sexual desires in so many different ways that I now can hardly think of my wife sexually, almost like a coping mechanism. In other words, the more I view our relationship as a friendship, the less I think of her sexually. Thus, I'm able to put it out of my mind while we're together.
As for my carnal desires, I simply shelve them. I like to think of myself as being in a position where I can't have sex, as if I've been hideously disfigured so that I can't be found attractive. By taking away the possibility of having sex, I think about it less, and am therefore tortured by it less.
I recognize how truly ridiculous the situation is. But, I love my marriage and will do anything to preserve it. If I have to perform a mental castration to accomplish that, then, unfortunately, so be it.
Whew!!! I've never put that into words. Sure feels good to get that off my chest!
Quote: If I have to perform a mental castration to accomplish that, then, unfortunately, so be it.
Alrighty, then. I guess you don't need this board.
Does this all sound familiar (to the old timers on this board)? We seem to get either the people who are willing to castrate/spay themselves mentally, the people who are headed to a divorce but willing to give it one more shot, and the folks who want to improve their relationship to the point that sex and ML are a comfortable part of their marriage.
If you're not willing to put in the work to be the latter type of person, we can't really help you here. But, if you want to walk the edge, figure out some things about yourself and your relationship, take some leaps of faith, step out of the old comfort zone, we might be able to help.
Otherwise, enjoy your mental castration quietly.
Hairdog - Harsh today and 80 percent chance of continuing impatience tomorrow.
And still another would be, "Wow, a lot of people have been in that boat. And look at the turnaround!"
Or, "That's exactly how I'm feeling, and this is how I'm working on it."
Or even, "Hey, at least you're obviously not so far gone that you aren't even considering a remedy. I mean, here you are, on these boards and all."
Personally, I've found that misery loves company, particularly when the company has experience pulling out of the misery. I respect the fact that you've obviously been on the boards a long time (nearly 900 posts), but, with all due respect, I think you could have posted something more constructive.
Many of us have been there, but like Hairdog said, if you want things to change you're going to have to make some changes that risk the R that you so cherish. There was never any sex in my marriage to start with, but we did (and still do) have that R that you described thusly:
Quote: We are very much in love with each other, and couldn't imagine being apart. We are the best of friends, and talk candidly about anything and everything, including our sexual dysfunction (up to a point). We spend every minute together that we can, because we want to. I can't imagine a better situation than being married to someone who is so much my soul mate. That is, except for sex.
There just came a time when that wasn't good enough any more. If that's what you have, how is that any different than just being very good friends? There came a time, possibly prompted by the feeling that my life was slipping through my fingers, when I decided to face the truth: I wasn't happy with a sexless M and nothing was ever going to change unless I changed it. If you're happy with being good friends, go ahead and castrate yourself. If you're not, if you're ready to put some things you value on the line, welcome.
Don't take it personally. Hairdog has been like this since HoneyPot made a "virtual offer" to hold his balls.
His point was that mental castration is something we've all tried as a solution, but it doesn't work. At least it doesn't work for long. You obviously want your M to be sexually satisfying or else you wouldn't have found this BB or joined it, right? Then how realistic is it to think that you'll be able to mentally castrate yourself for the duration of your M? Sooner or later, you'll have to admit that it's not OK with you to do without sex.
That's where the fun starts! You'll then have to decide what you're going to do about it.
We all sympathize with your plight. We've been there, too. But most, if not all, of us are in the "later" stage where we're searching for what we can do. We're all the "fixers" in our M, and most of us are working alone. From my observations, the successes we've seen from those dearly departed posters were found in their ability to engage their H/W in the process. I haven't seen anyone gain success unless the spouse was willing to be involved.
You emphasized the friendship you have with your W. I think that's huge! You'll need to tap into that as you confront her on your needs and the sexual aspect of your M, should you choose to. Friends don't let friends go Un-F**ked.
Thanks, Wildebube. I appreciate that. I don't think I'm at the point of risking anything, but it's comforting to know that this resource is available if and when that point comes.
Quote: His point was that mental castration is something we've all tried as a solution, but it doesn't work.
Now THAT'S a relief! Seriously...I've felt like I've been floundering in this morass for so long, grasping at straws, and honestly have thought that resolving to go without is the best last hope. To discover that taking such a drastic position about this is evidently a common means of trying to cope with it gives me pause.
And, as you said, the fact that our relationship is so strong otherwise will only help the situation when I am able and armed to deal with it.
I agree that the mental castration thing doesn't work. Nor does stuffing the desire with food, alcohol, drugs. Nor does taking herbal supplements to dampen desire. All of it will leave you ultimately feeling resentful.
(You could be the one exception, but I'm with Hairdog that you wouldn't have found yourself on these boards if mental castration were really a longterm solution).
In an ideal world, you should be able to say to this "best friend" of yours, "Well, I've sort of mentally castrated myself so as to make things work right now. How long do you think this dry spell might last? What can I do to get our relationship revved up again?"
In other words, get to the point where she might have to deal with the fact that she has very little sexual desire, if in fact that's the case. YOu have no idea right now where this might go. she might say, "well, we've become such good friends, I'm having a hard time being interested in sex with you, sex is supposed to be mysterious, etc., etc."
While my R with my H is the deepest R I have in life, it is not brotherly/sisterly or best friendly, either. I do not go to him with all the little things I mention to my girlfriends or my sister, etc. I try to keep a different (sexual) channel open with him (although I fail as much as I succeed, many days). I can tell you this: my H's desire declines the more we relate as buddies (sharing medical problems, daily irritations, etc., etc.) His desire increases when we have mostly fun together (so does mine). It's always sexier to lay in the sun together and drink maitais than to discuss our cholesterol results...
Yuo may not have a very HD. Two LD people can have great sexless marriages. Most of us are NOT in that position. From my own personal experience, I do not wish to be my wifes best friend. I want to be her lover, which is a BEYOND best friends. My description of lover is a companion, a best friend, who like to experience intimacy on all levels including a vibrant sex life.
GC, Your behaviour is "Fused" just as mine was (is). Fusion in the HD usually takes the form of excessive habitual neediness and is a total turn off for an LD. I am in the same position as you except that I am a few months further along the recovery track. You really need to stop thinking negative castration thoughts and get a game plan. Decide realistically what you want (say sex twice a week) and go for it but don't expect things to improve quickly as years of fused behaviour is not undone in a short time. Here is some ideas based on what I am doing (my W is ND): Cut out all the needy behaviour (really difficult and I have not done it all yet). No standing at the door waving to W when she leaves the house. No rushing to open the door when she arrives home. No unnecessary clinging on and trying to kiss her all the time. Let her come to you for a cuddle. If you stifle her with affection she will not have the freedom to express herself and her love for you. Take some risks. Talk about the subject that is difficult to talk about. Explain to her that the time is right for you both to work for a "Passionate Marriage". Make sure she knows you think you should be enjoying sex twice a week (or whatever). Don't apologise for any of this. You have to gain her respect because you will need to lead this project and my guess is that she (like most LDs) normally wears the trousers in your house. Gradually make other more detailed demands of what you would like her to do. For example, touch you intimately and initiate sex sometimes. These declarations will not get her to do it but will make her start to think about it. She probably does not think about sex at all so this will be a significant change in her life. If you are persistent she will think about it a lot more often and will eventually have to do something. My own experience of the last few months is that my W now knows that I want us to ML twice a week ideally and she is working on committing to once a week at the moment. So far we are managing an average of once every three weeks but that is up from three times a year so we are making progress. The good thing is that she now accepts that lovemaking is part of our life whereas before she just defended herself against it. It is difficult to keep the momentum going though and if you slow down or lose interest for a week or two you just go back to the old ways. You will probably be accused of putting her under pressure but don’t give up. You have to get her to convert the feelings of pressure into feelings of love and then she will be able to blast through the gridlock. Good luck. SD
Seriously...I've felt like I've been floundering in this morass for so long, grasping at straws, and honestly have thought that resolving to go without is the best last hope. To discover that taking such a drastic position about this is evidently a common means of trying to cope with it gives me pause.