Wow.. everything you typed was right on with how I feel. I have used any way possible to get attention.. i used to use the sad stuff.. but eventually it wore off.. and he wouldnt even notice if i was crying.. so i would cry louder.. he would get more distant... Some nights i would sigh so loud and so many times, that by the time he finally asked me what was wrong with me.. i had truly forgotton... or maybe there really wasnt anything wrong to begin with.. i just wanted him to ask... anyway my point is that i feel like we have done the same things and its nice to not feel alone... I am working on moving forward without the guilt and although it creeps up in my head quite frequently, i am trying to keep myself busy and putting a smile on my face... Thank you for coming to my page.. i look forward to getting to hear more from you..
Betsey
I have not read the 5 LL, i looked at my local library and it is due back in at the end of the month.. I will get it though. I just returned DB and DR... those were great! I feel like a different person, and I am reading Becoming Real, which is pretty interesting.
Okay... UPDATE
After I have been doing really well, Db'ing my butt off.. Bob barkering it ect.... lots of ML going on that is for sure lol..
I have refrained from starting R talk, and he has been bringing it up himself. The other night he said to me. "I want you Kristy" and then he kissed me really nicely, this is after we ML. I backslid a little yesterday and called him a few times on his cell phone. He got upset because he hadnt answered the first time, and i still called back twice... when he finally answered I could tell by his voice that he was upset.. and he should have been.. he was at work, with a customer, and I continued to call... bad habit.. then on top of that, i hung up on him for being rude about it. can you say cookoo maker lol.. anyway I came home and did some breathing... played with my boys.. and settled myself down. I even made supper.. which I often avoid!! (i'm working on it) anyway when he got home it had blown over, and he was in an easy enough mood that he just stated "the reason i get upset when you call so many times is I like to leave my phone on so if you need to reach me. But if you continually call it, then i have to leave it off because its not professional." I nodded my head did my best to validate (knowing that he is completely right on this) and said "i'm sorry, that was inconsiderate of me" and I dropped it and so did he.. phew.. glad i made it through that lol. I busied myself with getting the boys bathed, and then he played on the puter while i watched tv. I checked my email quickly when he was done and then went to bed.. He asked me about my therapy session and i told him that we talked a lot about my attention needs and how to love myself ect.. he stared at me for a little while and then said "please love yourself.. i'm not invisable or indestrutable, i need you to be strong." he followed that with a kiss and well you know..
on to today... I met him for our sons speech appt and this was a fun thing for me to do today... and without thinking i just did it.. I put on a nice long skirt and shirt... and after he put ds in the car i walked around the car and whispered.... "i'm not wearing any panties" lol he smiled and said.. "nice" and patted me on the butt.. I dont know why I did it, but it got the positive results i wanted and i'm glad i did...
Here is the best thing that has happened... last night H says to me... "do you want something to look forward too or do you want a surprise" of course i'm never good at waiting so i said... something to look forward too. He got a sitter and is taking me out tomorrow night... I'm sooo happy.. we are going to go out to eat and then go birthday shopping for ds4
I have lost 34 pounds in 6 months.. and I cant wait to dress up for him. i'm def. on a high.. a little scared as to when i will hit a low.. but for now just trying to ride it out. I just cant believe how well this is working.
Hi Nitaf... I dont know your story, but i wanted to offer up some hugs.. thank you for stopping in here.. I look forward to more from you.
Thanks for listening all... keep me in your thoughts!!
Holy Moly, Kristy. Your H's statement of "I'm not invisible and I'm not indestructable" really has my mind reeling. In the past I think I have taken it for granted that he would be strong and never gave it much thought as to how hard that must have been sometimes. Kudos to your H for being able to speak his mind and feelings and convey to you how much he NEEDS YOU in a way that is positive for you both. You loving yourself can benefit your whole family!
Your update is wonderful; isn't it nice to feel loved without having to resort to things that make you feel bad about yourself? Plus everything you mentioned is empowering to you. They are things that you are DOING, instead of sitting around and hoping to get his attention with a sigh. Which aint gonna happen, girlfriend! Great job and keep it up.
Bets, I don't know where I belong! I am homeless. I don't really belong in piecing, as our marriage is pretty much back together. It is not sex starved so I really don't belong there either. But it is still highly at risk for all of the old patterns to come creeping back in and ruining all my hard work. (ok, H's hard work too, lol) If there was a forum called "Moving Forward: How to keep from backsliding" I would move there in a heartbeat.
One of my biggest pitfalls is staying positive in the face of loneliness. I am a stay at home mother and found that I dealt with the often-less-than-passionate feeling in my M much better when I worked. It was a distraction for nearly the entire day. Now I am in my home, near OUR things, surrounded by pictures of us, making OUR bed, etc and it gets hard sometimes. I do best on the days when he calls or emails me but I realize that MY state of mind should not ever be dependent on what he does or does not do. So, I struggle on the days when there is no contact from him and then little passion when he gets home (read: he has no energy left for me), and I thrive on the days when he does have energy. I realize now that it is an occupational hazard (of being a SAHM) and not necessarily that he is an evil and diabolical husband. However, don't pay any attention to me if we haven't ML for a week or so...then I may change my mind and decide that he is evil.
Anyhoo, for now I will lurk and occasionally post on my own thread until I figure out where to 'live'.
wow.... guess the low is hitting faster than I thought...
The man that walked into my house this evening is a different person.. UGH!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH okay sorry.. i'm unleashing my fury in here instead of with him.. i'm standing in the kitchen waiting for the supper that I cooked to be finished while he reads the paper... i wanted validation for cooking... i had an epectation and i should not have had that... on top of that. he is reserved and distant... he has said maybe 2 words to me this whole evening and i greeted him with a smile Okay.. 1...2...3...4...5...6..7..8...9..10... inhale in,breath out... its alright.. i can do this.. normaly i would blow up... Honey, I too am a stay at home mom of two little boys 2 and 4... i look for interaction and entertainment when he gets home.. the kids are both at my feet... please supper get done...
please pray that i get through this night... w/o putting any damage onto what i have done so far!! i'll be back..i can see some seriouis venting needing to occur.. lol thanks for the quick response.. i needed it..
CandS - I am thinking about you tonight! I remember when I was at home, I went pretty stir-crazy sometimes - you can do this! And if you can't do it tonight, you can pick yourself back up and do it tomorrow night!
Hum while you're cooking - be cheerful - smile anyway! Lots of hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I didnt do too much damage. I was def. in a foul mood as was he. We ate supper in silence.. and he had to pieces of the quiche so i thought that was a good sign.. i asked hi if he liked it. He said it was alright, but that he didnt really care for quiche... well i didnt take this too well because i have made different kinds of quiche in the past and he has never said anything so i became sensitive.. and took a breather in the livingroom. He told me I was being too sensitive and i let it drop. We gave the kids a bath and he then hung out on the couch after they were done. He was browsing through one of my flyers and commented on one of the woman.. and that opened up the door for talking about me I guess.. because i started in about not liking how my boobs had disappeared since losing all ofthe weight. He looked at me and said "glass is half full hun". I shut my mouth but this is how the evening went. Everything that came out of my mouth, he responded with "glass is half full" meaning everything coming out of my mouth was negative. It was quite an eye opener. He was able to say it atleast 10 times to me. Eventually i caught on and did my best to not let anything negative slip out of my mouth. This is a tough one for me, because i am a negative half empty kind of gal. But he is right and that it will be more healthy for me to try and not let the negativeness out.
I was able to reflect on something else last night too. The last two night H has been on the computer. Last night he was on looking at webcams. Something that i used to do. He sat right beside me and he didnt do any chatting as we have both decided that crosses the line. I wasnt jealouse, but I was able to sit back and reflect on how he must have felt all the nights that I did this too him. and I would always sit across the room and not beside him. He was laughing at the chat and watching two woman go back and forth... I thought to myself.. I did this too, laugh out loud at something someone said or did. He would watch tv, but idid this atleast 5 out of the 7 nights with him for months. I was able to feel for a moment what it must have been like for me to do that to him, it was a lonely feeling, but a positive one because i have no interest in doing that to him again. I did make a comment at the end of the night in a light tone. "your turning into me hun." He smiled "how so?" I said "this is the second night that you have been on computer." He smiled again. "i'm just hanging out, if you want I can turn it off." "no you dont need to." i said (and meant it) "The difference is he said, I'm sitting beside you and you were always away from me. I"m letting you see everything I am doing, and you hid it from me, and if you asked me to get off, I would." I nodded.."I know". About 15 minutes later I got up and brushed my teeth. He turned off the computer and went to bed with me.. we ML and everything felt right. So I made it through the night without doing to much damage, and was able to reflect and learn some more about myself and him.
Today is DS birthday he turns 4.. I have been calling him that all along trying to prepare myself because i cant believe he is 4 already... i am going to take him shopping with his birthday money. I invited H along,(during his lunch hour) but i am not going to set myself up. He may not be able to go and I need to accept that as its not that he doesnt want to, but time restraints may not allow it. I will send him 1 email reminding him that I am going and give him a specific time and then he can decide on his own. Tonight we go out to eat together, and do some shopping for ds birthday party tomorrow. I am very happy about this, and i hope i am able to be light spirited, positive and fun for him tonight...... and for MYSELF!!!
Okay, so i'm not doing so well with H response to going shopping lol... I guess i really did think he was going to say yes.... here was my email. I did really well with this i think..
I am taking DS shopping today with his money. Do you want to go as well? I am taking your mom along so it isnt a big deal if it would be easier to pass. Let me know though and give me a time that you are taking lunch so i can plan it. Thanks.
His response
You can go. I will catch up with you tonight. Love Ya!
UGH I know i gave him the out... and i know i need to follow it up. but i'm bummy that he isnt meeting us. anyway... this is my opportunity though to show him that I am changing.... normally i would email him back or worse yet call and say "your not going??? what are you doing?? do you have plans for lunch with someone else???? yep that would be me.. hard to admit but thats what i have done in the past.... Instead I just sent this....
Okay, Have a good day, Love ya!
complete 180!!! but i still cant help wondering what he is doing at lunch that he doesnt want to come with us... ths is where trust comes in I know thanks for listening.
Goals for today I will not call or email or send messages with my phone. I will go with ds and MIL and have a great time. But .. between you all and me.. this is eating me up... UGH...
Alright so I have hit a low Last night did not go that well. Dinner was great, i kept it lite.. but he was distant Then we had to go birthay shopping for our ds.. lets just say i didnt 180 we are both very stubborn, and we could not decide on what to get him.. the things i wanted were more pricey... his less... we stayed in the store for 2 hours anyway we ended up just settling and getting him a few gifts that we know he will like. Then we came home.. i was pretty quiet.. sulking i suppose.. I asked H for a massage.. he gave me one and then we ML... fast forward to this morning. DS4 woke up really early and i got him set up watching cartoons and laid back down. Then ds wanted his father to get up this was about an hour later.. H got up and took him to MIL(she lives two houses away) and got his new toy that he bought yesterday. anyway H comes back because he is going to make the cake for DS party today.. while laying in bed with DS2 i'm thinking of all the ways i can 180 for the birthday party, as H and I always seem to fight at these things... As he walks by me, i put out my hand for him to take it.. he says "NO" in a sharp voice and walks by me... I immediately say "what was that for?" he says "nothing" and then goes about his buisness... I should have dropped it.. but i didnt.... I knew it was because he had to get up with ds.. and i didnt do it first.. this is a constant battle with us... he feels because i get to sleep in a little longer then him during the week.. and i mean a very little.. 15 to 20 minutes tops! then he should be able to sleep in on the weekends... eventually i blew up and said.. i'm getting the cot from your MIL and i'm moving into Ds's playroom "HELLO WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!" he didnt say anything and then because we dont fight in front of the children... i waited until they returned to the other room to resume playing.. again should have kept my mouth shut... i said.. So you would like me to get up every morning with the kids.. that is when he said that i get to sleep in.. Then I said so what else would you like me to do right now? he said do whatever you want, i'm having the kids help me make the cake.. so now i have locked myself in the bathroom... need to shower... trying to keep my mouth shut... this is going to sound strange.. but do any of you ever fear losing yourself in the process?? Should i become a robot?? I'm sure someone is going to set me straight, as I can already tell i'm not thinking straightly...
Let me correct myself.. and see if i'm right.
This morning i'm sure i had an idea that by not getting up it might possibly cause some tension. I should have gotten up with ds, and allowed H to sleep in.. if he wanted to get right up with ds and allow me to sleep in then he would have... i should not have forced the issue, by not getting up! okay then instead of even putting my hand out to try to get validation from him and see if things were okay.. i should have still gotten up right then and started my day without saying anything.. he would have made the cake and it would have passed...
Since i didnt, I should have not asked him why he said NO, it was obviouse at that point why he had not... and I really really really should not have thrown out there that i would be getting the cot ... All i was looking for was.. no its okay hun, i dont want you to get the cot, this isnt a big deal, and I was overreacting to you not getting up... lol if only i could program him.....
oooooh should have could haves... they Stink!!!
If anyone is up and can offer some imput on how to recover the day without causing more damage... that would be great.. i'm going to hop in the shower... do my hair and makeup that will take about a half hour to 45 minutes.. then i will check back in.. Thanks and hugs...
well we made it through... not too much to report. Yesterday we had a nice day at the ocean... wonderful place to reflect. I'm looking forward to my weekend away. Just some time to reflect and think about what i want in life.
I'm so dissapointed in me as a person. I know if i could just build myself up and stop whining so much that my marriag would be healthier because of it... I've done pretty well at keeping the R talk down to a minimum. We rented two movies last night, "against the ropes" and "secret window" both very good.. and just what i needed to distract me from disecting my marriage... if i could just stop thinking about it every minute... just let things lay for a little while. H can go to work without thinking about it, why cant I??
I am a writer.. and have put my writing on the back burner since having children. I have finished a childrens book, but that is all I have worked on. I wrote a novel when I was 16, and have been meaning to dig it out and rewrite it now that I am older. I have never submitted anything out of fear of rejection... and quite honestly i think it is time for me to get out of my funk, and start writing again. It was my love, and i put it off... another thing that i put off, was getting my motorcycle permit. Out of fear.. but when i was a little girl and rode around with my father, i always said i would get my own some day.... what am i waiting for? I've always wanted to train to boX... i dont really want to boX but i wanted to train for it... to train for something that would make me feel strong.... what am I waiting for? I've always wanted to learn how to draw or water paint... what am i waiting for? I always played guitar and i have written 3 songs... i've wanted to put them on a disk... what am i waiting for? I always wanted to be a great mother and a wife.... what am I waiting for..
Goals.. Reread Flylady and rejoin her site.. begin with babysteps and start taking control of my home (for me and my family) Plan an activity a day for me and my children to learn something new, or play something old. Start writing again Get my Motorcycle permit learn to boX learn to paint/draw record my songs
new focuses are just what I need...... hugs to anyone who still reads this
Try not to beat yourself up too much for feeling the gamut of emotions that are presenting themselves. It takes some time to figure out what they mean and how to work with them. Then it takes even more time to learn how to use them to your advantage.
All of this just takes time and lots of patience.
I'm glad to read that you've decided to put yourself into writing again. Everyone needs a passion... a reason to express themselves in a positive light. I grew up with a very artistic and musical mother, and always felt inadequate in those areas. It took a long time for me to accept that my right brained, left handed mom is different than I am. And we both love each other, regardless of the gifts we bring to our families.
I think you've got some amazing goals here to explore. I think they hold the key in you finding out who you really are and where you ultimately want to go. You know there will be detours, but half the fun in life is learning how to make the detours enjoyable.
I think you can do this... really. Take a deep breath and just plug on.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
lol he smiled and said.. "nice" and patted me on the butt.. I dont know why I did it, but it got the positive results i wanted and i'm glad i did... 
Okay.. 1...2...3...4...5...6..7..8...9..10... inhale in,breath out... its alright.. i can do this.. normaly i would blow up... 
anyway we ended up just settling and getting him a few gifts that we know he will like. Then we came home.. i was pretty quiet.. sulking i suppose.. I asked H for a massage.. he gave me one and then we ML... fast forward to this morning. DS4 woke up really early and i got him set up watching cartoons and laid back down. Then ds wanted his father to get up this was about an hour later.. H got up and took him to MIL(she lives two houses away) and got his new toy that he bought yesterday. anyway H comes back because he is going to make the cake for DS party today.. while laying in bed with DS2 i'm thinking of all the ways i can 180 for the birthday party, as H and I always seem to fight at these things... As he walks by me, i put out my hand for him to take it.. he says "NO" in a sharp voice and walks by me... I immediately say "what was that for?" he says "nothing" and then goes about his buisness... I should have dropped it.. but i didnt.... I knew it was because he had to get up with ds.. and i didnt do it first.. this is a constant battle with us... he feels because i get to sleep in a little longer then him during the week.. and i mean a very little.. 15 to 20 minutes tops! then he should be able to sleep in on the weekends... eventually i blew up and said.. i'm getting the cot from your MIL and i'm moving into Ds's playroom "HELLO WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!" he didnt say anything and then because we dont fight in front of the children... i waited until they returned to the other room to resume playing.. again should have kept my mouth shut... i said.. So you would like me to get up every morning with the kids.. that is when he said that i get to sleep in.. Then I said so what else would you like me to do right now? he said do whatever you want, i'm having the kids help me make the cake.. so now i have locked myself in the bathroom... need to shower... trying to keep my mouth shut... this is going to sound strange.. but do any of you ever fear losing yourself in the process?? Should i become a robot?? I'm sure someone is going to set me straight, as I can already tell i'm not thinking straightly...