I didnt do too much damage. I was def. in a foul mood as was he. We ate supper in silence.. and he had to pieces of the quiche so i thought that was a good sign.. i asked hi if he liked it. He said it was alright, but that he didnt really care for quiche... well i didnt take this too well because i have made different kinds of quiche in the past and he has never said anything so i became sensitive.. and took a breather in the livingroom. He told me I was being too sensitive and i let it drop. We gave the kids a bath and he then hung out on the couch after they were done. He was browsing through one of my flyers and commented on one of the woman.. and that opened up the door for talking about me I guess.. because i started in about not liking how my boobs had disappeared since losing all ofthe weight. He looked at me and said "glass is half full hun". I shut my mouth but this is how the evening went. Everything that came out of my mouth, he responded with "glass is half full" meaning everything coming out of my mouth was negative. It was quite an eye opener. He was able to say it atleast 10 times to me. Eventually i caught on and did my best to not let anything negative slip out of my mouth. This is a tough one for me, because i am a negative half empty kind of gal. But he is right and that it will be more healthy for me to try and not let the negativeness out.
I was able to reflect on something else last night too. The last two night H has been on the computer. Last night he was on looking at webcams. Something that i used to do. He sat right beside me and he didnt do any chatting as we have both decided that crosses the line. I wasnt jealouse, but I was able to sit back and reflect on how he must have felt all the nights that I did this too him. and I would always sit across the room and not beside him. He was laughing at the chat and watching two woman go back and forth... I thought to myself.. I did this too, laugh out loud at something someone said or did. He would watch tv, but idid this atleast 5 out of the 7 nights with him for months. I was able to feel for a moment what it must have been like for me to do that to him, it was a lonely feeling, but a positive one because i have no interest in doing that to him again. I did make a comment at the end of the night in a light tone. "your turning into me hun." He smiled "how so?" I said "this is the second night that you have been on computer." He smiled again. "i'm just hanging out, if you want I can turn it off." "no you dont need to." i said (and meant it) "The difference is he said, I'm sitting beside you and you were always away from me. I"m letting you see everything I am doing, and you hid it from me, and if you asked me to get off, I would." I nodded.."I know". About 15 minutes later I got up and brushed my teeth. He turned off the computer and went to bed with me.. we ML and everything felt right. So I made it through the night without doing to much damage, and was able to reflect and learn some more about myself and him.
Today is DS birthday he turns 4.. I have been calling him that all along trying to prepare myself because i cant believe he is 4 already... i am going to take him shopping with his birthday money. I invited H along,(during his lunch hour) but i am not going to set myself up. He may not be able to go and I need to accept that as its not that he doesnt want to, but time restraints may not allow it. I will send him 1 email reminding him that I am going and give him a specific time and then he can decide on his own. Tonight we go out to eat together, and do some shopping for ds birthday party tomorrow. I am very happy about this, and i hope i am able to be light spirited, positive and fun for him tonight...... and for MYSELF!!!
