(From what you said, it sounds as though your H really and truly feels that your internet "obsession" is preventing you from doing what he feels should be your priorities as a mother and wife? How do you feel about this statement?)
This statement is absolutely 100% correct.... with that said.. I am struggling with not being self centered..
At the moment there can be no R talk unless he initiates it. It seems to push him further out the door, and he immediately closes down. So for now I will have to keep that part of my feelings here. It seems when i dont bring up the issues he is in a calmer mood...
One thing I question... How do you pretend to be happy??? In the book it emphasises showing that you are happy and content... But if i'm not happy and content, how do i do it without coming off as fake, or even sarcastic.. the sad thing is, i guess i have forgotten what not being negative and nagging feels like .... pretty sad statement...
I'm rambling.
He spent all day working on a transmission. we fought this morning I messed up and spouted out that being critical was becoming one of his most used features.. and he said self pity was becoming mine He left and then i sucked up my crappy mood and made him lunch and brought it to him. He didnt thank me.. and i didnt press the issue... We are being civil atleast... Short goal for self..
1. Once i'm done here.. sign off the Internet and find something else to do... read a book, watch a movie. Take a bath something to keep my mind of the Internet, and off what he is thinking.
2. Do not bring up anything about R.
3. Act content when he gets home, and thankful that he took the time to work on a vehicle that "I" wanted.
4. Go to bed a decent hour instead of staying up until midnight!!
and final goal.. get up before the kids in the morning so that i am more receptive to them and not so crabby to have to get out of bed.(hoping going to bed at a decent hour will help that)...
Sorry to jump in, but I was wondering if you feel you get enough attention from your husband?
I notice you vying for his attention and when or if you don't get it, then you act out in a negative way so that you are SURE you have his full attention. Something to work on might be to attempt to get his attention in positive ways and see if that has the reaction you are looking for.
It also seems that you are wanting his help in order to conquer the internet addiction. Does it sadden you that he is unwilling to take part in this, or to validate your successes? Maybe that would be a place to start the communication with him--openly and honestly and without the drama.
Or, just leave the R talks alone altogether, which is probably the best course of action. Show him the wonderful side of yourself that originally drew him to you and I know that he will begin to come around soon.
Thanks for Jumping in... I respect all of your opinions.
I do want his attention, and your right as a child does I tend to get it whatever way I can. Being positive does not always make me feel safe... in some ways it makes me feel worse, not in control and vunerable.. kwim?
It's something i need to work on. I have tried all different kinds of ways to approach talking about our R... unfortunately because of that, i need to just leave it be for now. I truly need to let him come to me. If i can get this under control then I know I can save my marriage....Thanks again for your input..
Update
Last night went very well. I signed off the computer after here and put the kids to bed. Then I looked through my movies and found one that i had not watched. I dimmed the lights and put it on. I didnt call H to see when he would be home, or ask him what he was doing ect.. I sat and got into my movie.. about 20 minutes later he walked in. He was surprised i wasnt on the computer.. I could tell. I smiled when he came in, and then continued to watch the movie.. he asked about it and we talked about it for a bit. He asked me a little bit about my day,(that was nice) then he ate some supper and watched the movie. He asked me to take a shower with him when it was over. I did. I made sure to keep things lite. He got out to shave and I stayed in and enjoyed the hot shower. We went to bed after this and ML... he held my hand after and things stayed peaceful....
So if i read back on this night it was very successful... but some of me felt bitter why is this???? Why do I have to feel resentment?? will this feeling go away?? This morning I made sure to get up and get moving right away.. My boys were calmer and we are all dressed and ready for the day. H was surprised to see me up this morning, I didnt say a word to him instead i just went about my business and then told him to have a good day at work... I can do this I can do this I can do this...... I can not wait until it feels more natural to be this way..... Hugs
I'm going to let Honey take that angle with you, as I feel it is really important here and she's really great at tackling those pesky issues that are big in the grand scheme.
But I have a couple others to take here that may ultimately shed some light for you.
First things first...
Quote: One thing I question... How do you pretend to be happy??? In the book it emphasises showing that you are happy and content... But if i'm not happy and content, how do i do it without coming off as fake, or even sarcastic.. the sad thing is, i guess i have forgotten what not being negative and nagging feels like .... pretty sad statement...
Well, for awhile, you're going to have to ACT AS IF until your brain and body get into synch. Just ask anyone here how we all experimented with the Bob Barker approach: that is, to put on the game show host attitude and winning smile and see what happens. If you're really bored, you can read through my old threads and Meredith's as well, because we played around with this for quite awhile, and it works.
At some point, smiling and acting AS IF you are happy is going to affect those around you. It's much easier to be happy when those around you are happy. Someone has to lead the pack, and it might as well be you. Surely you can find ONE thing to be happy about... then just start looking at life that way.
It takes 21 days to make a habit, C&S. So give it some time.
Secondly, this will touch on the issue that Honey is addressing with you... and that is acting out for attention. Let's start with the introduction to our meeting...
Hi, my name is Betsey and I'm a recovering crazymaker. I am not cured, but I have happily remained sober for over a year now, and I don't plan on backsliding.
Acting out is crazymaking, C&S. I'm willing to bet a great deal of dinero that you acted out as a child to gain attention from others. Am I correct? And we know that any attention is better than no attention, even if it's negative.
My form of crazymaking took on a different flavor: I set "fires" so I could put them out, garnering praise and words of affirmation from my parents and other adults around me. My parents were not chintzy on words of affirmation, but I received them in spades whenever I handled a crisis with aplomb. I learned how to create crises.... which did not make me a very peaceful person.
My sister filled her daytimer with busy tasks so that she didn't have time to notice that her needs were not being met (her LL is quality time). My brother acted out.
We all adopted behaviors that gave us what we wanted and needed, C&S. The problem is that those tactics carried over to adulthood, but the bigger problem? They were no longer valid means of getting those needs met.
I have a very sordid past in this area. I used my crazymaking attempts to get Mr. Wonderful to provide those words of affirmation. You can imagine my frustration when he did not give them. The less words I received, the more resentful I became. The more resentful and angry I became, the more he withdrew.
How much easier would it have been for me to sit down with him much earlier in the game and tell him, "Honey, I am an auditory creature. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am, how much fun I am, how you respect me and how much you love me."
Before we became trapped in the sea of resentment, it might have made a huge difference if I had asked for what I wanted directly and in a straight forward manner.
I won't kid you, C&S. It took another BB poster to actually get me to see this behavior for what it was. And although I knew I was guilty as charged, I had no idea why I did it until we spent a thread or 2 discussing this in detail. I credit Trish (Cycler28) for helping me understand myself so I could stop doing this once and for all. And it took Mr. Wonderful a really long time to notice my changes.
The resentment? Well, dear, you're going to have to learn how to give yourself the things that SHOULD only come from you. Nobody else can give you self worth, C&S. That's your hard-earned gift to yourself. Your H does not have the power to make you happy, sweetie. That means the converse is also true: he does not have the power to make you unhappy. Only YOU have that power.
When you take responsibility for that part of your R, you will discover that the resentment is no longer present. I've said this before, and I'll say it until I'm blue in the face: you cannot expect your H to put a priority on giving you what you want if you are not taking care of what you need.
You've got a great start here, C&S. It's just going to take time, discipline and hard work to change the direction of this boat. I know you can do it...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Do you feel bitter because you feel that he "won" and you did everything according to his rules?
Or can you precisely identify where the resentful feelings are coming from?
My personality seems to be more ompetative... i would say that it comes from feeling like i'm giving up something for him.... so yes that he is winning and i'm not.. when i know how foolish this sounds, because we both win... however if i continue down my spiral path it will be a lose lose situation... Thanks for your input, it def. helps me to look at it as.. is it worth thinking i am winning in this situation when the outcome will be losing!
Hi, my name is Betsey and I'm a recovering crazymaker. I am not cured, but I have happily remained sober for over a year now, and I don't plan on backsliding.
Acting out is crazymaking, C&S. I'm willing to bet a great deal of dinero that you acted out as a child to gain attention from others. Am I correct? And we know that any attention is better than no attention, even if it's negative.
I always did this as a child... either i overachieved to find my place and get approval or i underachieved... Honestly with H too.. we have been together since i was 13.. My parents had just gone through a messy divorce, and both had moved on with other people and other lives.. i was left to fend for myself and movedin with my grandmother.. It was tough trying to recieve affection so in turn i recieved it from my now H. I did it negatively back then as well.. I developed high aniety when i hit my senior year of highschool and spent a year of my life in bed after i graduated.. H stood by my side moving in with me and my gram and basically putting his whole life on hold... I dont know why this is coming out now.. but i feel so guilty that he had to put everything on hold.. i was very dependent.. and the more needy i became the more the took care of me.. i felt safer knowing he was there and i was getting lots and lots of attention. eventually he became resentful because i wasnt getting better.. and i was still sucking up the attention... it all got old.. and when we got married and i had to move out of my safe area... things became a little rocky, i no longer felt safe.. i felt like i was losing control and was all alone. So i started pushing... i pushed him away and sucked him back in.. i did things i regret.. and ultimately ruined any trust he had in me.. I was even the one who suggested an open marriage.. hoping to get attention whether it be negative or not.. Everything i have ever done with this man has been out of attention.. I'm resentful that he is strong and I am weak.. I am resentful that no matter how hard i usually pushed he always stood by my side.. he should have left me a long time ago... that is where self worth comes in.. wow.. i really didnt know i was holding all of this in...
Hi my name is Kristy... I feel guilty for taking a year of my husband(bf at the time) life and never thanking him for it...
I feel guilty for taking advantage of the love he has given me over the years and disregarding it for my own personal pleasures .
I feel guilty for not being a supportive wife and mother.
I am a crazymaker and I am ready to start on my path to recovery. I will need all the help I can get on this Journey.. but ultimately it will be me who does the curing.. it will be me who makes the changes.. and it will be me who finally knows that loving myself is what I need to accomplish!
Betsey.. If you were here, i would be in big tears and giving you hugs.. You welcomed me from the beginning and having a place to turn really makes me feel like i can do this.. ty from the bottom of my heart.. ty to all that have been reading along..
HUGS!!
Update.. H sent me a message from his phone today..
"Hi darlin. I miss u guys. You look nice today! See ya tonight."
this is really working.... now to continue with acting AS IF.. i'm ready to Bob Barker.. TY...
I don't even know you and I am SO inspired by this post. You know, we all have demons and pasts wrongs that we are not proud of. Yours is no worse or more deserving of guilt than mine. Try, if you can, to begin the process of forgiving yourself and moving forward starting TODAY.
Having said that, I so know what you mean about the weakness! I have felt that many, many times. I look at my H and he appears so strong and together compared to me and that just makes me want to fall apart all the more. I have had to really readjust my thinking here and see him as a flawed human being, just like me, and learn to see myself as strong. And as Betsey said, act as if until you DO feel strong and competent. Really the progress you have made in such a short time is so inspirational! One thing you are inspiring me to do is to take a deeper look at myself and pinpoint why I acted out for attention, with H and others. I have never done this with the clarity and precision that you and Betsey have. I suppose I accomplished it as a young girl by being alternately sweet and loud and pushy. When I got older I used my looks to get attention from boys and while I was NOT promiscuous I truly began to crave the attention and validation that it provided me (WHAT it was validating who the heck knows). So there I was, either being sweet or loud or using sex to get attention. One of these ways usually worked.
Until I met my H. He is a nonconfrontational person so me being sweet was met with silent approval usually. He liked it and so saw no need to comment on it. Being loud or pushy or demanding just caused him to hide from me. Using sex did not work because he is LD and can go much longer without making love than I can, so that little "weapon" didn't work. (this is embarrassing to write out, no wonder I have not done it before) Basically I had no way to GET to him and...yet...there is a weak Achilles heel that my H has--my unhappiness. He is a sucker for me being sad or upset. I used this to my advantage more times than I can count. Rather than tackling the true issue ("We are not spending enough time together" for example) I would try any or all of the above methods and when they didn't work, I would revert to crazymaking behavior and use my sadness as a way to MAKE him pay attention to me.
It was a hollow victory, though. I got the attention but it did not fulfill me whatsoever. Nowadays, I still get sad (who doesn't!) but I try to make sure that my emotions have some basis in what I am truly feeling and are not coming from a place of manipulation.
And I loved the phone message from H! That was too cute. It sounds like you have something very special with him.
Wow! You guys have a great dialogue going here - I identify with a lot of what you guys are saying, and I will probably chime in at some point. Keep digging! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Well, one day I'll make it to Maine and we can hug! I've always wanted to head to your neck of the woods...
Goodness, Kristy, you guys have grown up together. Look at all that history the 2 of you share. Your H sounds like a really special guy... and definitely worth fighting for.
Did you ever check out the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I'd really love to see you give us some input here so we can help you fill his love tank. And hopefully gain some insight on how he can fill yours. I think I have a good idea, but I want to hear your thoughts first.
Now it's time to leave your childhood behind and figure out who Kristy the woman is, and who Kristy ultimately wants to be when she grows up. Don't worry, that is a constantly evolving process and you never "get there" but you have to shoot for something...
Aim high, sweetie!
Honeypot, would you PLEASE get your butt down here in piecing? I promise to start writing the book if you'll head our way...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I messed up and spouted out that being critical was becoming one of his most used features.. and he said self pity was becoming mine 
Betsey 