I don't even know you and I am SO inspired by this post. You know, we all have demons and pasts wrongs that we are not proud of. Yours is no worse or more deserving of guilt than mine. Try, if you can, to begin the process of forgiving yourself and moving forward starting TODAY.
Having said that, I so know what you mean about the weakness! I have felt that many, many times. I look at my H and he appears so strong and together compared to me and that just makes me want to fall apart all the more. I have had to really readjust my thinking here and see him as a flawed human being, just like me, and learn to see myself as strong. And as Betsey said, act as if until you DO feel strong and competent. Really the progress you have made in such a short time is so inspirational! One thing you are inspiring me to do is to take a deeper look at myself and pinpoint why I acted out for attention, with H and others. I have never done this with the clarity and precision that you and Betsey have. I suppose I accomplished it as a young girl by being alternately sweet and loud and pushy. When I got older I used my looks to get attention from boys and while I was NOT promiscuous I truly began to crave the attention and validation that it provided me (WHAT it was validating who the heck knows). So there I was, either being sweet or loud or using sex to get attention. One of these ways usually worked.
Until I met my H. He is a nonconfrontational person so me being sweet was met with silent approval usually. He liked it and so saw no need to comment on it. Being loud or pushy or demanding just caused him to hide from me. Using sex did not work because he is LD and can go much longer without making love than I can, so that little "weapon" didn't work. (this is embarrassing to write out, no wonder I have not done it before) Basically I had no way to GET to him and...yet...there is a weak Achilles heel that my H has--my unhappiness. He is a sucker for me being sad or upset. I used this to my advantage more times than I can count. Rather than tackling the true issue ("We are not spending enough time together" for example) I would try any or all of the above methods and when they didn't work, I would revert to crazymaking behavior and use my sadness as a way to MAKE him pay attention to me.
It was a hollow victory, though. I got the attention but it did not fulfill me whatsoever. Nowadays, I still get sad (who doesn't!) but I try to make sure that my emotions have some basis in what I am truly feeling and are not coming from a place of manipulation.
And I loved the phone message from H! That was too cute. It sounds like you have something very special with him.
