Hi, my name is Betsey and I'm a recovering crazymaker. I am not cured, but I have happily remained sober for over a year now, and I don't plan on backsliding.
Acting out is crazymaking, C&S. I'm willing to bet a great deal of dinero that you acted out as a child to gain attention from others. Am I correct? And we know that any attention is better than no attention, even if it's negative.
I always did this as a child... either i overachieved to find my place and get approval or i underachieved... Honestly with H too.. we have been together since i was 13.. My parents had just gone through a messy divorce, and both had moved on with other people and other lives.. i was left to fend for myself and movedin with my grandmother.. It was tough trying to recieve affection so in turn i recieved it from my now H. I did it negatively back then as well.. I developed high aniety when i hit my senior year of highschool and spent a year of my life in bed after i graduated.. H stood by my side moving in with me and my gram and basically putting his whole life on hold... I dont know why this is coming out now.. but i feel so guilty that he had to put everything on hold.. i was very dependent.. and the more needy i became the more the took care of me.. i felt safer knowing he was there and i was getting lots and lots of attention. eventually he became resentful because i wasnt getting better.. and i was still sucking up the attention... it all got old.. and when we got married and i had to move out of my safe area... things became a little rocky, i no longer felt safe.. i felt like i was losing control and was all alone. So i started pushing... i pushed him away and sucked him back in.. i did things i regret.. and ultimately ruined any trust he had in me.. I was even the one who suggested an open marriage.. hoping to get attention whether it be negative or not.. Everything i have ever done with this man has been out of attention.. I'm resentful that he is strong and I am weak.. I am resentful that no matter how hard i usually pushed he always stood by my side.. he should have left me a long time ago... that is where self worth comes in.. wow.. i really didnt know i was holding all of this in...
Hi my name is Kristy... I feel guilty for taking a year of my husband(bf at the time) life and never thanking him for it...
I feel guilty for taking advantage of the love he has given me over the years and disregarding it for my own personal pleasures .
I feel guilty for not being a supportive wife and mother.
I am a crazymaker and I am ready to start on my path to recovery. I will need all the help I can get on this Journey.. but ultimately it will be me who does the curing.. it will be me who makes the changes.. and it will be me who finally knows that loving myself is what I need to accomplish!
Betsey.. If you were here, i would be in big tears and giving you hugs.. You welcomed me from the beginning and having a place to turn really makes me feel like i can do this.. ty from the bottom of my heart.. ty to all that have been reading along..
HUGS!!
Update.. H sent me a message from his phone today..
"Hi darlin. I miss u guys. You look nice today! See ya tonight."
this is really working.... now to continue with acting AS IF.. i'm ready to Bob Barker.. TY...
H stood by my side moving in with me and my gram and basically putting his whole life on hold... I dont know why this is coming out now.. but i feel so guilty that he had to put everything on hold.. i was very dependent.. and the more needy i became the more the took care of me.. i felt safer knowing he was there and i was getting lots and lots of attention. eventually he became resentful because i wasnt getting better.. and i was still sucking up the attention... it all got old.. and when we got married and i had to move out of my safe area... things became a little rocky, i no longer felt safe.. i felt like i was losing control and was all alone. So i started pushing... i pushed him away and sucked him back in.. i did things i regret.. and ultimately ruined any trust he had in me.. I was even the one who suggested an open marriage.. hoping to get attention whether it be negative or not.. Everything i have ever done with this man has been out of attention.. I'm resentful that he is strong and I am weak.. I am resentful that no matter how hard i usually pushed he always stood by my side.. he should have left me a long time ago... that is where self worth comes in.. wow.. i really didnt know i was holding all of this in... 