Moving Forward...

[Underdog]

C&S,

I'm going to let Honey take that angle with you, as I feel it is really important here and she's really great at tackling those pesky issues that are big in the grand scheme.

But I have a couple others to take here that may ultimately shed some light for you.

First things first...

One thing I question... How do you pretend to be happy??? In the book it emphasises showing that you are happy and content... But if i'm not happy and content, how do i do it without coming off as fake, or even sarcastic.. the sad thing is, i guess i have forgotten what not being negative and nagging feels like .... pretty sad statement...

Well, for awhile, you're going to have to ACT AS IF until your brain and body get into synch. Just ask anyone here how we all experimented with the Bob Barker approach: that is, to put on the game show host attitude and winning smile and see what happens. If you're really bored, you can read through my old threads and Meredith's as well, because we played around with this for quite awhile, and it works.

At some point, smiling and acting AS IF you are happy is going to affect those around you. It's much easier to be happy when those around you are happy. Someone has to lead the pack, and it might as well be you. Surely you can find ONE thing to be happy about... then just start looking at life that way.

It takes 21 days to make a habit, C&S. So give it some time.

Secondly, this will touch on the issue that Honey is addressing with you... and that is acting out for attention. Let's start with the introduction to our meeting...

Hi, my name is Betsey and I'm a recovering crazymaker. I am not cured, but I have happily remained sober for over a year now, and I don't plan on backsliding.

Acting out is crazymaking, C&S. I'm willing to bet a great deal of dinero that you acted out as a child to gain attention from others. Am I correct? And we know that any attention is better than no attention, even if it's negative.

My form of crazymaking took on a different flavor: I set "fires" so I could put them out, garnering praise and words of affirmation from my parents and other adults around me. My parents were not chintzy on words of affirmation, but I received them in spades whenever I handled a crisis with aplomb. I learned how to create crises.... which did not make me a very peaceful person.

My sister filled her daytimer with busy tasks so that she didn't have time to notice that her needs were not being met (her LL is quality time). My brother acted out.

We all adopted behaviors that gave us what we wanted and needed, C&S. The problem is that those tactics carried over to adulthood, but the bigger problem? They were no longer valid means of getting those needs met.

I have a very sordid past in this area. I used my crazymaking attempts to get Mr. Wonderful to provide those words of affirmation. You can imagine my frustration when he did not give them. The less words I received, the more resentful I became. The more resentful and angry I became, the more he withdrew.

How much easier would it have been for me to sit down with him much earlier in the game and tell him, "Honey, I am an auditory creature. I want you to tell me how beautiful I am, how much fun I am, how you respect me and how much you love me."

Before we became trapped in the sea of resentment, it might have made a huge difference if I had asked for what I wanted directly and in a straight forward manner.

I won't kid you, C&S. It took another BB poster to actually get me to see this behavior for what it was. And although I knew I was guilty as charged, I had no idea why I did it until we spent a thread or 2 discussing this in detail. I credit Trish (Cycler28) for helping me understand myself so I could stop doing this once and for all. And it took Mr. Wonderful a really long time to notice my changes.

The resentment? Well, dear, you're going to have to learn how to give yourself the things that SHOULD only come from you. Nobody else can give you self worth, C&S. That's your hard-earned gift to yourself. Your H does not have the power to make you happy, sweetie. That means the converse is also true: he does not have the power to make you unhappy. Only YOU have that power.

When you take responsibility for that part of your R, you will discover that the resentment is no longer present. I've said this before, and I'll say it until I'm blue in the face: you cannot expect your H to put a priority on giving you what you want if you are not taking care of what you need.

You've got a great start here, C&S. It's just going to take time, discipline and hard work to change the direction of this boat. I know you can do it...

Betsey