My first shift back on nights and in the wee hours I finally find the first quiet period in the last three weeks in which to update what's been going on in my life...
Three weeks ago I was informed I was being suspended from work pending an investigation to determine termination. That suspension period turned out to be for 10 days. When all was said and done, I still have kept my job, however, I'm basically on probation. So I have placed a renewed found focus on my performance at work. That in turn, meant less time keeping up on the bb ... which in turn helped detach a bit more from my sitch and I found myself for the most part really not wanting to post about it.
... but I know there's folks out there who have been wondering, as your kind emails have enlighten me.
After the initial shock wore off, CAW had been very support of me. In fact, she had asked me to stop by after my "hearing". After telling about it, she snuggled close and we stayed close to each other for a while, before I excused myself and left. That Saturday evening when I dropped D11 off, CAW asked if I can stay a while and I did and with her suggestion I ended up spending the night. She also asked if she could come over on Sunday to do laundry. I said no problem. When we arrived, I made breakfast for all. As she did the laundry, she asked if she could use the computer and eventually we ended up watching the football game during the afternoon. So we spent most of the day together ... a first since she moved out.
Next Wednesday is when I found out I still had my job, so called her up and asked her out on a "date" Friday night to celebrate I still had my job. She accepted and asked do she needs to dress up for it? I asked, "Wouldn't usually dress up for a date?" and she replied, "I never been on one?" (Yes, we've been on dates ... even in the last couple of years, but I guess she's afflicted with total amnesia, but I let it slide.) So I made reservations at a restaurant we have never been to ... one right on the riverfront and has received rave reviews for fine dining. While waiting for our meal it came up in conversation that she hoped I'd bring her here. So I said I guessed I scored one with my pick of restaurant. She came back with you scored two so far. I responded with a quizzical look. She said you gave me flowers when you picked me up and the way this date is going you're likely to score again! Later as we talked, I did bring up that this isn't actually our first date and reminded her of a couple of my more memorable ones which sparked her recollection, but still continued to play along thruout the night that this was our first. As it turns out we never got to the bottle of wine that I picked up for later and even slept in late the next morning ... but after getting up she seem to be in a rush to get back to the apartment, declining my offer to make her breakfast. Oh I almost forgot to mention ... while laying in bed ... she blurted out one of her typical one liners ... "I'm glad you didn't leave." I thought "WTF. I leave? You're the one that DID leave!" Then she explained that she had talked to D19 who mentioned that if I had lost my job, I was considering staying with my parents down south. So she's glad that I won't be leaving now and if I did she would have been very sad. So while she doesn't want to be my W, she does want me to be part of her life ... how do they put it ... friends with benefits ... so it seems. She even made some mentions about our next date ... like the next place she wants us to go eat at.
During the following week, she called me at work and asked for a favor. She wondered if I could pick her up from work on Wednesday and if we could run a few errands she needed. I said OK. When I picked her up she had some leftovers from the kitchen she mention were going to be dinner. Without any more elaborating, I played it cool as-if she wasn't including me for dinner. One of the errands was to see her boss at the office, I stayed in the car. While waiting step-D24 called asking for her Mom. When I said she's currently with her boss, step-D24 said she called wonder if she should make something for dinner. I said your Mom is bring something home for dinner. When CAW came back out, I told about the call and she said in a disappointed tone, "Oh, I thought you'd bring me back to your place and we would have dinner there." I said, "That's a great idea, but when you mentioned about dinner, you didn't specifically include me, so I wasn't going to presume to be included." So we ended up back at my place. Her back was really bothering her, so I gave her a massage until D11 showed up from school. Then CAW wanted to access her bank account on-line, but was having trouble with the connection. Shortly after her mood changed and she decided she wanted to go home. Upon asking D11, she wanted to go too, so it looked like I'd be eating dinner alone! I let my disappointment show thru, but I don't think she even noticed as she seemed to be wrapped up in herself again.
... and that pretty much is where I'm at. I'll be working alit this week including the weekend, but D11 has a band concert Thursday and I will be off for that. CAW said she thought I was going to be working that night and would miss it, then said she's so glad I will be there. Oh and I did put in to take Halloween night off too.
Wow KAW...you've been thru quite a lot the past 3 weeks....thanks for the summary!! I think you are handing CAW very well. Let her continue to pursue you....and keep yourself busy, too. She is wondering about you, I can tell. Continue to play it cool....respond to her warmth...that's good...just don't let it give you too many expectations. Let her see you will be ok with or without her. Keep on doing what you are doing.....I am impressed!
First of all I want to thank those folks who have visited and at the same time apologize to those folks for not personally responding. My time for posting in the last few weeks has been seriously limited. I hope I will be able to repay your kindness soon.
With all that has happen lately, I've continued to believe I will get thru it all and felt I didn't need to look for a lot of support.
... but right now I really am struggling with a new kink and I really could use you folks help.
The day started off better than average. I woke up to a phone call from CAW asking if she could come over. I said sure, I just needed to get ready. She came over alone (figured D11 would be coming over too.) She bought up how it was a beautiful day and she didn't want to waste it. I suggest we pack a picnic and head to a riverside park. She asked jokingly, if this was another date. So off we went. We both enjoyed the afternoon spending most of it walking in the park hand in hand and talking.
Then she called D11 to get ready with her Halloween costume and we would pick her up and go over to the house to trick or treat. When we got to the apartment, she wasn't ready yet. So we sat down and watched the end of the NY Giant game. During the banter, D11 made a comment on the Jeep reeked of smoke and to step-D24 not to smoke in the Jeep anymore and then added both of you. (meaning CAW). I let the comment go for then. When I first met CAW she was a light smoker. She however, would never smoke in my presense. When I moved in to live with her, it was on the stipulation that she would quit. As you folks may have figured out by now, I'm pretty tolerable to just about anything (even her seeing another guy for two years while attempting to save our M). But when it comes to smoking I have very strong feelings against it.
While going around "trick or treating" CAW pull out a lighter and started playing with it. I was debating internal if and how I could ask if she's now smoking when D11 open the door. She saw the lighter and asked, "You're not going to smoke are you?" That allowed me to ask, "You started smoking?" She simply said yes. I stayed quiet. After walking some more, she asked if I would get mad if she had a cigarette. I said, "It's your life but its a total turn off for me. I can't believe you would start smoking with all the health problems you have now. Its a nasty habit." To which she only replied. "I know." She didn't smoke while the whole time we were out. That was it, I tried to focus on D11 and what we were doing.
Afterwards, I suggest we all get a pizza. As I drove she reached over and held my hand. After pizza, she thanked me for a nice day and gave me a couple of kisses and we departed.
Now I'm home and I find myself stewing about this new development. I mean its wrong in sooo many ways ... and I know I can't stop her if she so chooses for an earlier grave, but I do feel like she has crossed a line that I have trouble accepting. She been crying about how tight money is and her she is "burning" it. ... And especially concerning D11. Is she smoking in front of her? Well, if D11 knows about it I guess the answer is yes. I can tell she disapproves. Is she smoking in the home? I have to consider D11's health. The three of them have been passing colds around for now going on two months. CAW had just battle a bout of bronchitis. There's second hand smoke to consider. Do I start considering altering the custody arrangement? If so, it would probably mean having to go thru the legal process. Strangely enough, I feel like I've been betrayed all over again and don't know what to do about it?
If CAW is going to smoke she's going to smoke and there's little as you know...you can say or do about it.
I understand your concern for the possibility of smoking in the home but I think if that were occuring you'd know it already (as d11 pointed out...the jeep stinks...the house would too).
Smoking, as stupid as it is...is one of those things we can choose to do or not to do to our own bodies.
Quote: When I moved in to live with her, it was on the stipulation that she would quit. As you folks may have figured out by now, I'm pretty tolerable to just about anything (even her seeing another guy for two years while attempting to save our M). But when it comes to smoking I have very strong feelings against it.
sit back and really think about that KAW. she was respectful enough to ASK if you'd mind if she smoked in your presence and refrained...be respectful of her and allow her the right to make her own decision if it is something she'll continue with...heck I'd imagine putting up with her seeing another guy for 2 years is more damaging to you personally than her having a butt now and then.
or of course there's another project to work on...figure out why exactly you are so apposed to smoking (and more leaniant in other areas like say adultery) other than of course the obvious medical reasons we all know of (have you lost family to illness caused by smoking? are you an ex smoker etc) are you possibly projecting your feelings about this issue onto CAW?
KAW wrote <<I know I can't stop her if she so chooses for an earlier grave>>
KAW I do not smoke myself. I just want you to hear it again Smoking is an "ADDICTION." Some people can quit, but many are so addicted they can not quit. The chemicals in tobacco are just as or more addictive than illegal street drugs. You are correct, smoking is hazordous to a persons health.
Smoking is an addiction. Not so many people have the strong will to quit. As long as your W respected the limit and asks others in the room for permission to smoke, I don't think you can control her for not smoking.As you said, it is her health and you can't tell her what to do.
I am sorry you find yourself in exactly the same positon that I found myself in. My H went from being a non smoker all our married life (and before) to starting on cigars, pipes and now cigarettes.
Can you imagine what it was like having him smoking a cigar shortly after the bomb, telling me pompously "This is what I am prepared to do..." regarding what he had *decided* he would pay me as contributions... (Keep in mind his father was a cigar smoking Captain of Industry).
When we were in the lawyer's office last year to hammer out terms for our *Consensual Agreement* his bad smoker's breath reeked across the room...
When he stayed in this house earlier this year to look after D while I was away visiting my mother, he had OW 2 to stay over a couple of nights, against his express promise not to do so, and when I came back I found cigarette butts of all kinds in my rubbish bin.
D comes back from her visits with H reeking of smoke, as does her bag and her clothes and everythng that has been up there. I usually pop her into a bath as soon as she gets back.
And you know what KAW? I have got over it. Here's why -
1) I cannot stop him from smoking, so I have to accept it.
2) D's right to see her Dad overides my concerns about her health.
3) If my H had said to me during our marriage, "I want to start smoking", I know I would have accepted it rather than break the marriage up over an issue like that.
4) Smoking is only one of many many lifestyle choices that are damaging to health. And we ALL indulge in some or many of those.
Don't get me wrong, I HATE smoking, I have never even had a puff in my life, I think that smokers are socially irresposible in so many ways, I find smokers' breath horrible etc etc etc.
By NOT making an issue of it with CAW, you are respecting her SPACE, and that's what you really need to do now!
My H says he felt CONTROLLED in our *miserable* marriage, so I have not said a word to him about his smoking to date.
Hope this helps cast some light on your predicament!
Livnelearn
PS Glad at last to have something positive to add to your thread!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Later as we talked, I did bring up that this isn't actually our first date and reminded her of a couple of my more memorable ones which sparked her recollection, but still continued to play along thruout the night that this was our first. As it turns out we never got to the bottle of wine that I picked up for later 
and even slept in late the next morning ... but after getting up she seem to be in a rush to get back to the apartment, declining my offer to make her breakfast. Oh I almost forgot to mention ... while laying in bed ... she blurted out one of her typical one liners ... "I'm glad you didn't leave." I thought "WTF. I leave? You're the one that DID leave!" 
Then she explained that she had talked to D19 who mentioned that if I had lost my job, I was considering staying with my parents down south. So she's glad that I won't be leaving now and if I did she would have been very sad. So while she doesn't want to be my W, she does want me to be part of her life ... how do they put it ... friends with benefits ... so it seems. She even made some mentions about our next date ... like the next place she wants us to go eat at. 
